


Fire In Our Eyes

by ioiosan



Category: Naruto
Genre: M/M, Uchihacest
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-26
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2018-05-03 12:17:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 19
Words: 54,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5290406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ioiosan/pseuds/ioiosan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sasuke sees how much Itachi has changed in the years after their parents' death, while they've been apart. Now, at 15, he discovers things about Itachi and about himself that he had no idea about. The eyes that can't cry, the emotionless facade, the urge to touch and how he gets burnt every time. Madara's secrets coming out as well only make the situation more surreal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

_-7 years ago-_

All he could see in front of his eyes was death- the unmoving bodies of his parents laying on the floor, one on top of the other, as his older brother was looking at them with shocked and scared eyes. His brother, who never showed any sort of emotion whatsoever, was looking shocked.

An 8-year old Sasuke Scooted closer to his brother, as he started to cry ' _What happened?_ '. He couldn't quite comprehend the whole situation at hand. He was confused; he could of course realize that his…  _their_  parents were gone. He cried bitter tears as he clung desperately to Itachi's sleeve. Yes, he missed his parents already, but it wasn't all bad. His aniki was there with him at least.

Through tears, Sasuke could see that Itachi wasn't crying like he was. Itachi only stood there, with trembling hands, looking at the collapsed bodies.

"N-nii-san…" Why did their parents die? How  _could_  they die, when he could see no blood? Not on their clothes, not on their faces, nor on the ground. The only thing Sasuke could certainly acknowledge were his parents' eyes, wide opened, dead eyes.

"Nii-san, what happened?" Again, Itachi said nothing as he closed his eyes and collapsed on the ground, on his knees, as his shaking hands went to hold Sasuke's.

"Otouto… I… I don't know…" His voice was broken and low, holding a shaking undertone to it.

Sasuke freed his hands from his brother's to touch his mother's cheek. It was still warm.  _'How did this happen?'_  He felt strange.  _'What's wrong with me?'_  He  **was**  devastated to see his parents dead, he cried his heart out, but he wasn't really suffering.

"Nii-san?" he looked behind to see Itachi still on his knees, black hair framing his face and covering his eyes as he looked down. "What… do we do now?"

"Call…" his voice cracked and he couldn't say anything else for a moment. Itachi wasn't sad or devastated, he was  **shocked**. He couldn't believe his eyes, and his features showed utter shame.

"Who? The police? And what do we tell them? We don't even know what happened here… There's no blood, nothing! Aniki… are you okay?"

"No." Sasuke looked at his mother again, touching her hair gently, whispering a silent 'mom'. He treated this like his parents were only asleep. His 8-year old mind comprehended death, but not the actual consequences, or what it implied.

"Call… Call Madara. He'll know what to do."

"Why should we seek help from that creep?"

"Just do it." came Itachi's impassive answer. Sasuke had a frown on his face as he took Itachi's cell phone in his hands and called Madara. It wasn't anything new that the younger Uchiha had a strong dislike for their uncle Madara. His considered him to be a total mad man. Even his appearance suggested the man wasn't completely sane. At least to Sasuke, the long mane-like hair added to the weird behavior.

Ever since their father introduced Madara to them, the man only seemed to pay attention to Itachi (and acting too much like a father for Sasuke's liking). Always treating  _his_  aniki like China porcelain, and always looking down on Sasuke, like he wasn't worth his attention. Why did everybody take so much care of Itachi? Why did everybody ignore HIM? And even with all that, Sasuke loved his brother more than he loved anybody else. That's the main reason he hated 'uncle' Madara in the first place. Madara was someone his brother turned to when something was troubling him. But if Itachi said he had to call him, then he would.

20 minutes later, the door opened and a tall man entered, gasping as he saw the scene in front of his eyes. Sasuke only mentioned on the phone that 'Itachi-nii told me to call you… We have a problem here, come as fast as you can.' He didn't even look at the bodies; he immediately went to stay by Itachi's side, scanning the 11-year-old boy quickly.

"Itachi-kun, what happened?"

"I… I don't know… I think it was-" Madara signaled Itachi to stop as he went near the bodies and turned them over.  _'No blood,'_ he noticed. He knew what it was, and he couldn't help but look at the trembling boy next to him in admiration.

"Sasuke, go pack. You're moving in with me. Itachi, you'll only be staying around for one week. You have to leave, do you understand?"

"He's not leaving anywhere!" Sasuke shouted, the sudden death of his parents forgotten in a second.

"It doesn't concern you. Now shut up." Another thing about Madara that annoyed Sasuke to no end was his imposing personality. Even when Sasuke was decided not to listen to what the man said, when Madara simply raised his voice the tiniest bit, he found himself obeying. Just like now. He wanted to shout at the elder so badly, and ask him why Itachi had to leave. Ask him what happened to Itachi that he was so shaken by the death of their parents. It was a well-known fact that his older brother never cared too much about them.

But it was probably accumulated stress, Sasuke thought.  _'Shisui just died as well'_. Only one month ago. And it was Itachi's fault. Nobody accused him, but Itachi was under the impression that he was the one who killed Shisui, because he wasn't able to help. Itachi said that the moment he saw Shisui drown, he panicked, and couldn't move a finger. Again, Sasuke didn't care in the least about the now dead cousin; he hated Shisui because he was Itachi's best friend and always wanted to spend time with him. But to Itachi, it was like the world crushed beneath his feet. Ever since Shisui's death, Itachi's been acting weird, pushing everyone away and isolating himself. The only person he talked to was… Madara.

"Until when?" His aniki's voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Until we're sure the history doesn't repeat itself"

Sasuke didn't understand a thing they were saying. How could he? There was not something his ears were supposed to hear, he could at least understand that.  
He really felt useless at the moment being. He didn't get why Itachi had to leave. He wanted to punch Madara for even suggesting that his brother should leave. Wasn't it enough that he lost his parents, now he was about to lose his brother as well? If there was any God up there, then he hated Sasuke with a passion.

If Itachi left, then Sasuke would end up staying with Madara, whom he disliked greatly. And this entire situation confused him a lot. One thing that added to him confusion was the lack of hurt he felt. Why? This wasn't normal, he was sure of it. Any other kid he knew would have already fainted from crying and done stupid, reckless thing as well. But he was okay with his reaction, somehow. Itachi didn't look too suffering either, and Sasuke always wanted to copy his brother in everything.

Itachi didn't look scared and ashamed with himself anymore. He was simply standing on his knees, looking at Madara blankly and blinking every now and then. Sasuke dried his tears and came closer to his brother, embracing him from the back.

"Nii-san, don't go! I don't want you to leave me…"

"Otouto, I'm sorry"

"Don't say that! If you don't leave, you won't have anything to feel sorry about!

"I'm sorry…"

That was all he ever said.  _One week later, he was gone._

The doctors didn't clear the fog about Mikoto and Fugaku's deaths. It was only revealed that they both suffered some severe brain damage, and it was a disease of some type. Bottom line: it was a natural death.

At the moment the doctors announced that, Sasuke could clearly see the relief on Madara's face. He already thought the diagnostic to be half-assed, but when he saw his uncle's face, he began to wonder whether… _Madara killed them?_  But how could that be possible? There was no blood? And all the forensics were negative.

That night, it seemed like Itachi had an idea of what happened. Of course it had to be MADARA to try and keep him as far away as possible from Itachi during that week! He didn't get to talk to his aniki  _once_! 2 months passed, and he missed his brother terribly. He's been repeatedly asking his 'uncle' about Itachi's location, but the only answer he got was 'abroad'. He couldn't even send him a letter!

All the days passed without any major events. Every day, Sasuke woke up and had to put up with Madara, who always had something to criticize him about. His hatred grew when Madara went away from home for ONE month to visit Itachi, without taking him as well.

It's been 7 years now, since he's last seen his brother…


	2. Not What I Expected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens in seven years after his parents' death? What happens to his brother? And will he be the same? The reunion seen from Sasuke's pov.

**-Sasuke-**

It's 8:30 AM, and I'm getting ready to go and face my wonderful uncle. Tomorrow I'm starting my freshman year in high school. Just 4 more years of straight A's and learning. All in all, uneventful and hardly exciting. However, the reason of my excitement for today is Itachi's return- which seemed for the past 7 years as improbable as me learning how to fly.

I looked into the mirror and frowned. At 15, I'm still a pretty scrawny guy. Not tall, just slim. My hair is just as it used to be when I was a kid, and the changes of my face are minimal. I was told there would be puberty, but I'm starting to think it skipped me. I wondered if Itachi would recognize me if he saw me on the street for a moment, but that was a ridiculous thought. Of course he would. But would I recognize  _him_? He was 11 when I last saw him, and now he's 18. Unless he's suffering from silent puberty too, then he's probably changed a lot.

Does he still have long hair, does he still have trouble sleeping, does he still have those lines running down his cheeks, does he still… cares about me? I missed being close to him even before our parents' death. He was and will always be my best friend, my confidant, and my brother. I was (am?) pretty attached to him, if I come to think about it. Only 3 more hours. Now only if stupid Madara would let me have some time alone with him.

" _Sasuke, get you ass downstairs! Breakfast's ready!"_  I heard Madara shout from the kitchen. Well, even  _he_  had some good parts. He cooked, washed dishes, did the laundry, drove me to school, didn't  _ever_  beat me… As much as I hated to admit it, Madara was a good parent. Much better than my own (deceased) father, anyway. His death might have been a good thing now that I think about it. But that's too assholish of me.

Madara never had me do something I said I didn't want to do. He allowed me to go wherever I wanted and bought me everything that I asked for. If only he would be less of a stuck-up, I could say I like him. But no, he takes every occasion he can get to make fun of me, mock me or play tricks. And when I fuck something up, he'd ignores me for 2 weeks, until I get bored of the silent treatment and actually apologize.

When I asked him why he was bearing with my wishes all the times, he said he just wanted me to be happy. In reality though, I always heard him mutter ' _I can't handle a second Itachi'_  under his breath afterwards. I'm not very clear on what he meant by that, but then I remember how our father always denied Itachi any form of entertainment and always made him do things he didn't necessarily enjoy doing, so maybe that's it.

"I'm coming right away!" I shouted right back at him, with a smile on my face. Despite my suspicions about Madara's involvement in my parents' deaths, I've grown to accept him somehow. Yes, I usually play the rebel teen and don't listen to what he says, sometimes just to test his patience, but if he were to leave, I'd probably miss him. I guess it's normal seeing as I've lived with the guy for 7 years.

I went to the kitchen after admiring my outfit. I look damn good today. And no, I don't usually pay much attention to the way I dress or the way my hair looks, but I want to make a good impression to Itachi. Regular clothes and a pair of new shoes would do. I took care that my naturally spiked hair looked a little less wild, and that was it.

When I entered the kitchen, I could smell a chocolate pudding. Once again, I was ready to clap my hands at Madara. He was never one to simply give me toast for breakfast; he wanted to brag about how many things he could cook. Well, if I had to describe Madara in 3 words, they would be arrogant, pompous, and asshole.

I saw him over the sink, washing some dishes. He was dressed in a black suit, the funeral-party-cocktail-business suit. That's  _his_  version. My version for it was the 'I-don't-give-a-fuck' suit. He usually takes that suit if he couldn't care less if people like how he's dressed, or he simply doesn't have any ideas of combinations between clothes. Really, I expected him to be at least a bit more enthusiastic about Itachi's return.

"What's with the 'I-don't-give-a-fuck' suit? I thought you were happy Itachi's coming back." I grinned at him.

"I am," he said, turning so I could see his face now. "I just didn't know what to wear, and anyway, Itachi doesn't know this is my funeral-party-cocktail-business suit, so I don't mind wearing it."

His hair intrigued me as usual. It had so much volume, and it was so long. How could he wash it? And unlike Itachi, Madara never tied it. He said it was part of his personal charm, and I know he was right, even if I had a hard time admitting it at first. It was true: Madara  _was_  a looker. I can't believe how he isn't married yet, with all the women jumping on him from everywhere. Unfortunately, it seems to rather be a 'Uchiha charm', since I've got my own herd of admirers which always get on my nerves.

"Oh, and Sasuke… are you going on a date afterwards by any chance? You smell like a whore." Kind words from a kind man...

"No, I'm not. I thought I should smell good, since Itachi's coming."

"You overdid it. And you shouldn't even try to impress your brother. Trust me, nothing impresses him. Trust your poor uncle who has tried everything." I frowned; he's never told me anything about Itachi before, what's gotten into him?

"What do you mean you tried everything?"

"I tried to get the slightest reaction out of him. Anger, surprise, happiness, arousal. Nothing worked. He's changed a lot, you know. He's a very silent person right now. He's pretty flat and uninterested in things teenagers his age would be."

"And you're telling me this because…?"

"I'm just warning you. I know you're always attention-starved and enjoy being in the spotlight. It's in the Uchiha blood to be proud and a bit of a show-off. Except for your brother. Therefore, I doubt he would pay much attention to you. He barely listens to  _me_."

"I'm his  _Otouto,_  he always pays attention to me! And if he doesn't, I'll make him!"

"Good luck with that…" he sighed as I sat at the table and started devouring my pudding. It was strawberry-flavored and so far I loved it. I actually wondered why he didn't eat with me, but I didn't question him. I took my iPod and plugged my earphones. Soothing the anxiety, at full volume. Every time I looked at my iPod, I felt like hugging Madara but restrained from doing so. The guy was really too good to me sometimes.

"Which room's gonna be Itachi's?" I asked while letting some pudding fall from my spoon.

The house had two spare rooms. One was Izuna's, Madara's lost brother. He never entered that room, although he hadn't prohibited me from entering it. He was really sentimental when it came to Izuna. I never knew what happened that Izuna disappeared, since Madara never told me. He only said that the room used to be his and that all the things in there were just like Izuna left them. He also added that I could go in, as long as I didn't move anything from its place.

Actually, I liked the room. It was  **huge**. It had a queen-sized bed, lots of pillows, fluffy carpets and photos. I loved the photos. I think they were the only photos where I could see Madara radiating with happiness. They must've been close.

The other empty room was some sort of guest room, but it had a door, which communicated with Izuna's room. Madara said it was his old room, and I think he moved from it especially because it was too close to Izuna's… just sayin'. I never thought Madara to be a sentimental, but this was his weak spot.

"My old room, most probably. I doubt you'd want to share yours," he answered flatly while sipping on his coffee. I wished I could get more reaction out of him, honestly.

"My room is too small for 2 persons. Besides, yours is better. It looks like no one's ever lived in it, and you said you didn't move things from their places. Did you  _really_  live in there before? It looks almost like a museum room."

"I did. But barely, I must admit." he answers flatly.

"I mean, even Izuna's room looks livelier! But if you didn't stay in there all the times, then where did you stay?" He looked at me with a strange glint in his eyes and answered curtly.

"Business trips, hotels… I rarely came home."

Somehow, I didn't believe him. Yes, Madara was the CEO of a huge company, but especially because of that, he could have someone else travel in his place. And Izuna disappeared when he was 16, so Madara was 18 something- he wasn't working at that time, I assume. One more thing to ask Itachi once he comes back. If there is anyone who knows things about Madara, that should be Itachi.

"When do we leave? We gotta go to the airport before Itachi's plane lands at 10."

"Of course… We're leaving at 9; it's more then enough time. We've gotta go shopping afterwards, I doubt Itachi has any notebooks with him, and school's starting tomorrow."

"Why couldn't he come at least one week before school started? I don't have enough time to talk to him and get to know him again."

"You'll have more than enough time to get to know him after you come back from school, trust me. Or even during school. You have plenty of classes together."

"Did he go to school there? Where is he coming from, anyway? You've never told me where you sent him? Can I know now?"

"Jeju Island. And no, he didn't go to school there, he learned everything on his own." Lucky bastard. Homeschooling sounds like fancy slacking.

"Where on earth is Jeju?" I ask, somewhat appalled at my nonexistent geography skills.

"South Korea. It's a pretty isolated place, you know Itachi was never too social." Well, well, doesn't it run in the family.

"I thought you would've sent him to China, honestly. Never mind, he's coming back home, and that's all that matters! Do you think I'll recognize him?" Madara looked at his coffee, then went to a drawer and took out a photo. It was an old one, with both Itachi and me in it. He looked at it for some time, and then put it back.

"He's changed, but you'll no doubt recognize him. He's a lot taller now. But he still has long hair and pretty much the same face. You two don't look so much alike as you used to. But you're both slim. Only, Itachi is… some other type of slim. He has a strange body, you'll see what I'm talking about."

I was really curious of what he meant with 'strange body'. Strange can only mean two things. Exceptionally handsome or exceptionally ugly. Can't really imagine Itachi being ugly but who knows.

I finished my pudding and went to the parking lot at Madara's car, a black Honda. It's a mystery why he didn't get something better than this yey. After 10 minutes of waiting, Madara still wasn't out. I started shouting from where I was, since the kitchen window was facing the driveway.

"Madara, move your ass down here at once!"

He shouted back a  _"Can you be any louder than that? I'm coming right away, have a little patience!"_

I was ready to shout louder than earlier, but we have neighbors who might still want to sleep. It's only 9:05AM. Madara said we'd go buy some new sheets for the bed and some new curtains, probably some food as well, until it was 9:45, when we'd head to the airport. After that, we'd drive home to drop Itachi's bags and go to the supply store for notebooks, pens, and Madara also mentioned a cell phone.

He came shortly after, carrying a book with him.

"What's with the book? You  _rarely_  read."

"It's for your brother- he'll like it."

"I bet he'd rather have some fun."

"He  _rarely_  has fun." He smirked at me to prove his victory.

He unlocked the car doors and we got in. I connected my iPod to the car's radio and put on a Disturbed song. I could see Madara frowning. I knew he didn't like the music I was listening to, but I really couldn't care less.

* * *

"Is the plane here yet?" I asked anxiously.

"Yes, it is. Just wait 10 minutes and he'll be here."

"I wish I had someone to share my joy with…" I sighed. I really wished I had some friends here with me… Like Shikamaru, or Gaara. They would have the patience to hear me ramble and not get too bored.

"What, you want a girlfriend? Get yourself one, then." He smiled at me.

"That's not what I meant. I only wished I had my friends here with me. I'll  _never_  have a girlfriend."

"Why not? I already know about your fan club, just choose one girl. Looking at Itachi I know he'll never have one so the responsibility falls on you to continue this majestic bloodline."

"When he was here, he had his own fan club, why would you say that? And, no, I'll never have a girlfriend. Girls annoy me to no end. You should be happy, Madara. This way, you won't have to worry about any girl going to '16 and pregnant' because of me."

"How reassuring. And Itachi still has a fan club over there, but he's just not interested. At first I thought he was gay. But I guess he's just asexual after all. It's like he only lives to breathe and read books. Knowing you, you'll get bored of him really fast."

"You don't know me as well as you think you do, stop claiming that you know me like the back of your hand!"

"I was just saying. I know you get easily bored, and I doubt that your brother will keep you entertained. On the other hand, you like commanding people, and Itachi never complains, no matter what you ask him to do."

"He's my  _brother_ , not my personal slave. I wouldn't care if he was lazy, stupid, stinky or gay, he's still my brother and I missed him."

Madara didn't say anything else. He just shrugged and looked at the glass door, where people already started getting out, families shouted and cried tears of joy. Well, maybe Itachi is apathetic and uncaring, but I still hope he will be happy to see me, even if he doesn't show it.

5 minutes passed and it seemed like less and less people were coming out of that gate. Where was he? After another minute, the flow of people stopped. Completely stopped. _Where is he? What if something happened?_  Madara didn't get a chance to answer as the gate opened once more and someone got out.

I stared at him with wide eyes and I bet my mouth also hung open. Yes, I did recognize him, he hasn't changed that much, yet he was so different. His eyes were so beautiful, as always, but they seemed duller, and the lines on his cheeks were even longer. He was dressed in a dark blue T-shirt and black jeans, carrying a bag on his left shoulder. His dark brown hair now almost reached his waist, some strands still framing his face. I guess I really missed him if I'm ogling so much. He saw me and gave me a small smile. I knew he wouldn't ignore me. I'm the only almighty younger brother he has.

"Itachi!" I shouted, unable to contain my enthusiasm anymore. "What took you so long?"

He didn't answer until he got closer to us. I immediately hugged him as Madara took his bag. He smelled good, a fresh scent I remembered from childhood. He  _was_  taller than me but not by much… okay, actually he was a good 10 cm taller than me, I guess.

" _I wanted to avoid the crowd,_ " he whispered softly in my ear. It made my whole body shiver, for some unknown reason.

"Why did you do that?" I asked him as I broke the hug. He looked at me with a tired gaze and didn't answer. He moved to face Madara, who looked absolutely dumbstruck.

"Itachi, are you okay?" he asked with a concerned tone.

"Why wouldn't he be?"

"You don't get it. Itachi… for 7 years, he hasn't touched anyone. When I tried to just take his hand, he wouldn't let me!"

"I told you! We're brothers, I'm the exception to all of his rules! Right, nii-san?"

Itachi didn't answer, he simply went to Madara and hugged him as well, saying a low "I missed home."

As he was embracing Madara, I could see what dear 'uncle' meant when he said Itachi had a 'strange body'. To me, it wasn't strange, just oddly feminine. The grace he was moving with didn't help the issue much, either. Oh well, I don't care how he looks like as long as he's back. I was about to laugh at Madara's shocked expression, like the Grim Reaper was embracing him just now.

"Hey, you should be bonding with  _me_ ," I said, also hugging him from behind, "not HIM! I feel abandoned already!" I heard Madara chuckle, now out of his shock, as he patted my head.

"Here is the Uchiha sandwich, ne? Itachi, let's go." We both backed away from him to see that he was completely unmoving. I went to ask him what was wrong, but he turned to face me before I got the occasion.

"Sasuke…" His voice was changed… it was now deep and seemed to be so...fluid. The kind of voice girls would call "sexy". He put his hand around my wrist and I immediately flinched away. It felt almost as if he'd burnt me. I feel strange for some reason. And now I feel awkward too for flinching like that when he only wanted to grab my wrist.

"Sorry," I muttered, embarrassed. I looked up to see him watching me with an understanding gaze.

He looked back and saw Madara moving towards the exit door, then took my wrist again and started walking in the same direction. This time, his touch was only warm, and soon I found myself walking in front of him, at a much faster pace. When we reached the car, I was panting from the running and dragging Itachi after me. When I looked over my shoulder, Itachi seemed like he didn't even walk, not run! No ragged breath, no red face or sweat. He looked exactly the same. I couldn't help but stare at his pale skin. I took his hand in mine and tried my make scratches on his wrist with my nails.

"What are you doing?" Again that low, whispered voice. I didn't answer, I just continued scratching until I saw the skin reddening.  _That's_  what I wanted to see! All this time, and seeing the slightly inflamed skin, I wonder how he kept his hand still and didn't complain about me hurting him.

I was completely fascinated of how fast his skin went back to its pale color. I just let go of his hand, whispering a quiet ' _you're weird'_. I guess he heard me, because when I looked up, I could see amusement in his eyes, even though he wasn't smiling.

"Boys, get in the car!" I glared at Madara. He always had to ruin everything. I saw Itachi get in the back seats, and even though I preferred being in the front with Madara, I sat next to him.

The first 10 minutes of the road were plain boring. Itachi started reading the book Madara brought for him, not once looking at me. I felt really strange knowing that I was gawking at him so intensely, yet he didn't feel the need to check me out at all. Every time I said something, he only nodded, and I could bet my life that he wasn't stealing glances either.

When we got home, Madara suggested that, since I want to spend more time with Itachi, he should go to the stationery store on his own and leave us alone. After he left, I showed Itachi to his room, and he seemed to smile.

"He gave me his old room?" he asked me, looking around.

"Yes, how did you know? You've been here before?" He nodded and got out of the room, entering Izuna's. I wanted to tell him not to touch anything, but he probably already knows that.

"Itachi, did you know about Izuna? Madara's disappeared brother?"

"Of course. This is his room, after all.  _Their_  room."

"Their? Did Izuna live with a girlfriend?" Madara never mentioned anything about his brother sharing the room with someone. It would explain the queen-sized bed, though.

I saw Itachi smile lightly, adding, "You could say so."

" _You could say so?_ " I repeated in an annoying voice. "Did he, or did he not? Whom was he sharing the room with?"

"Ask Madara." he answered. I heard him chuckle to himself and I was curious about what he found so funny. But anyway, what he just told me confirmed my theory. Itachi knew a lot of things about Madara that I didn't.

"You seem to know Madara pretty well, nii-san. How about you tell me things I don't know about him?" I looked up at him with pleading eyes, as he sat on Izuna's bed. He ignored me for some time, until he finally nodded after signaling for me to come sit with him. I gladly complied; if only I wasn't 15, so we could be close like in the good old days. We were too old for that now.

"So, why does Madara have long hair? Even  _he_  said it was annoying sometimes."

"Izuna liked it that way." Which again proves my theory about Madara having a weak spot for Izuna right. Just like Itachi has a weak spot for me! I can see on his face that he isn't totally pleased with answering my questions, but he's always done what I asked him. He hasn't changed that much in 7 years, after all.

"How old is he? He didn't want to tell me, and he doesn't look old, but you know…"

"He's 35." I  _knew_  he was young! Well, not all that young, but he's nowhere near old either. The guy looked even younger then he was. So, he got our custody when he was 28? Cool.

"How did Izuna disappear?" He suddenly stiffened, but only for a second. If I didn't know him, I probably wouldn't have noticed. He didn't answer for a good 5 minutes, when he decided to speak.

"I don't know the details."  _Liar_. He didn't even try not to make it sound like a big fat lie. He was silently communicating me that he won't answer the question, even if it was painfully obvious that he knew the answer to it.

"Fine, don't tell me! I thought we were being sincere with each other!" I pouted at him. I knew it was not going to work, but it would at least make him feel guilty. "Then, why did Madara send you to Jeju?"

"I can't tell you yet. But part of the reason was to keep me as far away from town as possible." His eyes were telling me that I should better know what he was talking about, so he didn't have to voice it out loud. I wanted to laugh; we both knew that I was the one affected by our parents' deaths more than he was. Besides, that doesn't explain why he had to stay away from ME for 7 damn years!

"Itachi…" he wasn't looking at me. He was lying on the bed with his eyes fixated on the white ceiling. "Please look at me, nii-san" He did turn to look at me, and this time, I could clearly see that he wasn't looking at me like he used to do when we were kids. No more love, no more care. Not even at the airport, contrasting to his caring voice, his eyes were blank. And I was mistaken… not once did he look me  _in_  the eyes. He was always looking somewhere at my forehead, not once dropping his gaze lower.

"Why won't you look into my eyes?" I asked him silently. I tried my best to sound natural, but couldn't help the feeling that while he was one arm away, he's actually even further.

He wasn't relaxed in my presence. At least not like he used to be. "There's something wrong with you… What is it?"

"I don't know." Not again…  _I don't know._  Images were playing in my head like crazy. Images of  _him_ , sitting on his knees next to our parents' bodies, whispering those damned words again and again, with a broken, shattered voice. All this mess started with  _I don't know_! Why did he have to say them?

"Don't! Don't you ever say that you don't know once again!" I shouted at him. "I hate it when you say that! It makes me cry when you say that! If you don't know, then don't say anything at all!"

"Why?"

"Because every time you say it, I see  _that night_. I see you on your knees, I see all that hell! All you kept repeating was 'I don't know'! You have no idea how many nights I've dreamed this same thing, over and over again! In just one night, I felt like I've lost everything! You were gone! You looked so miserable when you looked at them, when you looked at  _me!_ "

It was the first time in 7 years I allowed myself to admit how I've felt that night. To hell with all the happiness that my aniki was back… I wanted him to calm me, to help me understand that night that happened so fast! I desperately wanted to be held, and told that I don't need to worry about anything.

Once again, I felt broken on the inside, and there was no one to glue the pieces back together. I looked at him once more, to see his head hung low. When he lifted it, I could see his eyes, looking as  _dead_  as they did until now. No tears, no sorrow, just death.

"Why don't you cry? I would've felt so much better if you just cried with me! Don't you feel any pain? Have you become a stone?"

"I cannot cry," he whispered, and his voice sent shivers down my spine. Why? Ever since he's came back, he made me feel strange, and that deep and low voice of his made me shiver every time he spoke. When he touched me, it burned, when he walked, it hypnotized me. He made me say things I didn't even want to admit to myself!

"Sasuke, I can't cry… Pain, sorrow, happiness, despair,  _nothing_ can make me cry."

"How can you say that? Everybody cries! If I were to die right now in front of you, you wouldn't cry?"

"I wouldn't. I'd die on the inside, but I wouldn't cry. I'm different. This is my fate, to never shed tears…"

"Fate? What are talking about?"

"It's the fate of a cursed heaven, of a blessed hell. I can't show emotion, I can only feel it."

"Then you're not human! I wanted you to  _help_  me understand, not to confuse me even further! Now I really think you also died on that day, and you're only a walking corpse now! And I was even happy that you returned!" I turned my back to him and returned storming to my room, slamming the door behind me. Maybe Madara was right… It was maybe better without him.

But, Itachi is the only one who seems to be able to provoke me like that. For 7 years I've been yearning to see him return to me! I wanted to be close to him, yet I kept myself far, far away, out of reach.

After all, it's ME the one who started yelling at him! It's ME the one who wanted to know everything, even when he told me 'it's not time' yet. I should've given him time to… prepare what he wanted to say to me.

But when I saw him looking so dead, I just wanted to knock some life into him. To make him  _feel_. It didn't matter if it was pain, love or anything else. I just wanted to see some emotion play into those black orbs of his! Because it  _has_  been there. I've seen it! I thought Itachi would be just like he used to… But this… To be so curious to explore this maze he currently is… it's not what I expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every time I read this chapter I add or delete parts of it. Ahhh, the pain.


	3. Pictures of the Soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sasuke's not happy with his brother, but did he ever try to put himself in others' shoes? Itachi's pov.

**-Itachi-**

It was already noon when Madara came back home, carrying a bag full of notebooks and pens, pencils, sharpies.  _Sasuke will be happy to see them_. I headed to the kitchen slowly, greeting Madara as I entered the room. He smiled, and then frowned.

"You two already started having arguments?" he asked me with a scowl. I didn't answer; it was too obvious that he wasn't actually  _asking_  me. He was merely stating a fact. "I think he expected you to be a little more enthusiastic about seeing him. Sasuke always wanted to be in the spotlight of the people he cared about. I don't know how he'll learn to cope with your indifference."

"I'm not being indifferent." I said calmly. He should know better than tell me that, after all. Out of all the people, he's the one who knows me best, and he knows that I can't show my feelings for obvious reasons. These eyes won't show anything; they're just hollow.

"You certainly aren't good with emotional display then," he winked at me, although his voice sounded serious.

"I wonder why's that. And I believe that my emotional display towards Sasuke is further damaged by the fact I can't even look him in the eyes, don't you think?" I can't help the sarcasm in my voice even if I try.

"I thought you've learnt how to control it, that's why I brought you back! I don't want to see the history repeat itself! I don't wish for Sasuke to end up like Izuna!"

"I know you don't…" I sighed, thinking. It was different from what happened to them. Madara awakened these eyes at 18, a lot later than me, at 11. He didn't even know fully well what was going on when the accident happened. ' _Tsukuyomi_ -  _a powerful eye technique that destroys the emotions displayed by eye-contact, and creates an inner world, or an alternate universe that you can only show a normal human once. It has the capacity to shut down the nervous system completely of the person who gets caught in it. But at least they know what's in your soul before they die,'_ was Madara's exact explanation of the phenomenon.

That's what happened to both Izuna and my parents: an accident caused by anger. When mother started blaming me of having the emotions of a stone, and Fugaku said I want to defy him. I was 11, I snapped. And for a second, even I wasn't aware whether it was my fault or not. I was unaware of the consequences, and the price was high.

All those 7 years I've been mastering the Tsukuyomi, while discovering that I could mold fire and water. It sounds impossible. And I'm not a dragon from a Chinese fairy tale, nor am I the little mermaid. I can't look at something and set it on fire, and I can't control weather. But I can extinguish fire and also mold its shape, even work my own body heat from low to high.  _I bet if Sasuke had this sort of possibility, he'd pretend to be sick with fever all the time._

With water it's a lot more interesting. But these powers have been my downfall. They took me away from my family, from Sasuke.  _Damn eyes!_  Missing him so much, yet giving the impression I couldn't care less if I remained in Jeju for the rest of my life. Even if I wished to cry right now, I wouldn't be able to. I'm not granted with tears, unfortunately.

"Itachi?"

"Yes."

"I wanted to tell you something." I lifted my gaze to see Madara properly. "Sasuke always wanted to know what exactly happened to Izuna, and also various things from my youth. Even the reason why you were always with me before you left to Jeju. Don't tell him yet, he wouldn't understand."

"Madara… Have you ever considered that Sasuke could also develop these eyes?" I asked without even thinking. There was no need to tell him I wouldn't say a thing to Sasuke. It went without saying. There is something else I wanted to discuss with him right now.

"It might happen. I mean, it's possible, but he should have shown some signs already. You're brothers, it's supposed that if he ever develops it, he'd be around the same age you were. But he's 15 already, and you were 11."

"I wish he could have it," I whispered back to Madara. He smiled; he knew what I meant. I wished he could have it, so he could be immune to my Tsukuyomi. Just like Madara is.

Being into Madara's mind felt like watching an old movie. Everything seems old, and nothing of the present interests him in a special way. Molding our inner worlds, I can definitely state that we'd make a complete family portrait. He'd be the past, and I'd be the present and future. Too bad things like these only work in theory. Also, too bad Madara doesn't actually have a memory of the past. It solely includes one person-Izuna- surrounded by his guilt and sorrow.

"I miss Izuna," he whispered to me. Somehow, Madara has learnt to display his feelings by the tone of his voice, if the eyes were unavailable. Sadly, in my case, I'm not too fond of talking, or giving my voice different nuances.

"Then go see him…"

"He's dead"

"He's not."

I could see his eyes widen to the size of dinner plates, as he stared at me in disbelief. Of course, he's told me numerous times how Izuna 'died', and how they were extremely close, sharing Izuna's room, but the fact remains that his brother  _wasn't_  dead. I knew that for sure. You have to know the feeling of having killed a relative in order to be able to make the difference: it can't be explained.

"How do you even know that?" he almost shouted at me. It was the first time I saw him other than sarcastic or serious. It was pretty much visible that it irked him to find out I can read him so easily, even when he didn't say a thing about the matter. But in the end, he doesn't need to tell me something like this…

"Silence speaks louder than words. I could read it in your red eyes."

"Have I ever told you how much I hate that intuition of yours? But you've always been special, it's not all that surprising if I come to think about it."

I gave him a small nod and took the bag with the stationery he's bought for Sasuke and me. I picked the basic notebooks, one pen and one pencil; I never needed more than that, and Sasuke always liked having the new and sophisticated stuff anyway.

"Well, we should have lunch. Do you wanna help me cook?" he asked me with a sly grin, almost as if he was suggesting my inability to cook something edible. I don't blame him for thinking that, though; he's never once in his life seen me cook.

"Sure, let's do it."

* * *

**10PM**

"I'm going to sleep. G'night both." Sasuke announced in a tired voice as he went to his room upstairs, with Madara. They've both been very quiet after eating lunch, and we silently decided to eat dinner separately, or in my case, not at all. The quiet atmosphere didn't bother me, I was used to it, but Sasuke was never the quiet type; every time I looked at him, he'd look away and close his eyes. He ate as fast as he could, and then ran to his room. From 1PM to 9, he didn't come out. And now, 1 hour after his leave, I hear his footsteps in front of my door, and I open it for him. He used to do this a lot when we were children, he came in front of my room but he was afraid to knock.

_I opened the door only to see him there, in a lotus position, staring at the ground and looking up when he heard the door open. Just when I wanted to ask him why he was there, he rose from the ground and entered my room. I waited calmly to see what he was going to do next. He simply sat on my bed, looking at his feet. I didn't ask anything. It's not the first time he comes to my room just to look around, or be with me. And his presence didn't bother me, so I didn't mind._

_I picked up my book and started reading, not curious enough to steal a glance at him from time to time. I knew he'd start talking sooner or later. Probably later, though._

_Even if I wasn't looking, I knew what he was staring at: the books on my nightstand, the ones that I enjoyed re-reading. I know for a fact that Sasuke finds them incredibly boring, but Madara said it's a good thing that I'm reading. So said mom, and dad… he didn't really care as long as I kept on being his straight A student._

" _Aniki?" Oh, there it is. I just nod my head to tell him I'm listening. He already knows that unless we're discussing some serious matter, I'm multi-tasking. "Why are you spending so much time with Madara lately?"_

" _He's a good guy." I saw Sasuke ready to say something along the lines of 'That's not what I asked', so I continued. "He's giving me books, and he's nice to talk to."_

" _You're spending more time with him rather than with me. It's not fair!" he gave me his famous pout, the one that generally granted him everything, from anyone. Except for Madara. He was somehow immune to THE Sasuke pout, and I think I have a fair idea why._

" _Why does it bother you so much? I often offered you to come with me to visit him, didn't I?" He probably doesn't like Madara very much, that's why._

" _I don't want to share, Aniki. I want to spend time with you, not with you_ _ **and**_ _Madara." Straight to the point, as always. But that's not necessarily the best approach. It will guarantee you an honest answer, and that's not always what you want to hear._

" _You're only 8, Sasuke. It's normal that I have more things to talk about with Madara. When you'll get older, I'll spend more time with you. Just wait and see." Even I was a bit surprised by the flatness of my voice sometimes. This is one of those 'times', and it had the same effect as always on Sasuke: he furrowed his brows and exited my room quietly, only adding a quick 'Sorry to be a burden, then.' And I'm sorry to disappoint you, Otouto. Maybe next time._

Once again, as a reply I opened my door, and he was indeed there. The only difference would be that he hadn't had time to sit down cross-legged this time. I pointed a hand to the inside of my room, inviting him to come. He didn't move an inch. For a few seconds, he simply stared at me. I could feel his questions in the air, and the instinct told me that he was too proud to ask anything. So be it.

I returned to the bed, leaving the door open, and him in the doorway. I wonder if he'll come inside, after all. It would be best if he didn't. Sorry to disappoint you, Sasuke. And now, I'm saying it in advance.

"I thought you'd invite me in," came his soft voice. It was a bit raspier than in my memories, though.

"I did."

"Not verbally. You talk too little, I can't even recreate your voice in my head, like I could in the past."

"I've got nothing in particular to say." It was more than enough that I had to talk a lot when we first saw each other at the airport. My throat still hurts, I usually go days without even muttering a word.

"You should. We haven't seen each other for 7 years, do you really have nothing to say to me? Look, I'm sorry for lashing out at you earlier, but that doesn't give you the right to remain grave-silent."

"What would you want me to tell you?" He finally moved from the doorstep, closing the door behind him. He really changed in all these years. He's not shy anymore, and he seems to actually get along with Madara. The only thing that remained the same is his curiosity. He's always so curious, always wanting to know more. Somehow, he's caught my interest; just like he always did before. But unlike him, I don't ask. I observe.

"Still like red and black?" he asked suddenly. I only nodded. I was a bit surprised to see that he'd even use the kindergarten questions in order to get me to talk. And I must admit, he looks funny all concentrated like that. "How tall are you now?"

"1,78." He seems to be a few centimeters shorter. But he's only 15, he'll still grow.

"I'm 1,72. That's not fair. I always wanted to be taller than you, you know? It's almost like a challenge for me now, to get to 1,80!"

Pause.

Maybe he was waiting for me to say something in retort… I didn't.

"Madara said you have a strange body." So I was right about Madara checking me out. "I can see what he meant now." And would you please share?

"My body's perfectly fine."

"No, it's not! If you're ever curious enough to see what I mean, ask Madara. Even if he hasn't told me, I'm sure we got to the same conclusion. Take care when you're…"

"Yes?" He stopped for a second, and looked down. It was obvious from his posture that he wasn't quite willing to continue what he started saying. Still, he looked at me again and spoke almost inaudibly.

"Take care at school. It's full of assholes there, and you know, with long hair and… just be careful, okay?" His face was suddenly red, and only then I caught what he was trying to say. I really hoped nobody would comment on that. It's not my choice that I grew up slender like this.

"Sasuke?" He was still looking down, with blushy cheeks, almost as if he was ashamed of letting me know that I'm the most probable target of the queers from his (our?) school.

"Eh, yes? Sorry, I'm being jumpy lately. I don't think very much before talking, ne? I mean, I missed you a fucking whole lot, and now my brain's all mushy, you see? You were gone for so long, and you changed a lot. I'm almost afraid that I'm not up to your standards anymore."

At that moment, he raised his head and saw my questioning gaze, so he further elaborated. "Madara told me you're probably not gonna spend too much time with me, and that you only sleep and read… nothing else. And when I look at you, I realize that it's almost like you belong to the silence, surrounded by your books. And I'm kind of intruding here, because I want to have you back, after 7 years. Argh, I'm making no sense here, damn it!"

A frown adorned his face once again, as I was thinking of his words. Did he really feel like that, after only 12 hours with me? He's rushing to conclusions already.

"You're not intruding. I'm not used to talking to people, that's it. I can't go back to my 11-year-old self. Give it some time, you're still not used to being around me."

"And I like it that you're trying to talk to me, but your mere presence makes me nervous. I'm scared that we really have nothing in common anymore, and that we won't be able to talk! Maybe you remember that ever since I was a little kid, I found silence awkward." Yes, I recall that. "And that's why I talk a lot now. Usually, at school, I'm the cool and silent one, but when it's just the two of us, if I don't talk, then  _you_  certainly won't! You're making me ramble like an idiot, for God's sake! I feel retarded."

"If you have no idea what you want to talk to me about, then why did you come to my room?" He bit his lip the moment I got mid-sentence, and then crossed his arms, looking troubled. Sasuke is one interesting kid, that's for sure. If only it weren't so dangerous, I'd look him directly in the eyes. There are so many emotions at once playing in those black orbs, it's fascinating. I could go through hell and heaven, and still not be as expressive as he is. I think the eyes are the only thing I truly envy at Sasuke.

"Well, you see…" he started quietly. I almost forgot I've asked him a question. " You're so different now that I want to re-discover you. You're so silent; you never let anything you think at the surface! I want to know you like I used to when we were kids, to be able to guess your thoughts. You can't possibly imagine how much I miss our childhood."

"It almost sounds like a declaration of love," I commented for myself, when I felt a light punch in my shoulder.

"Don't twist my words, I'm being very serious here! It's Madara's fault I'm being so open, he told me to always say what's on my mind, so don't blame me!" Madara really spoiled him. If I ever talked my mind with father, he'd chop my head off. Although, that makes Sasuke all the more interesting. He's probably the only Uchiha to ever act on impulse, just like that.

I raised my hand and poked him in the forehead. For a moment, I felt like a child again, when Sasuke's only allowed impulse was to play with my hair. I wonder if he tried braiding Madara's like he did with mine.

"You know, Madara regretted telling me to act on impulse. I almost ruined him once. And he couldn't escape once he allowed me to braid his hair. It was fun." Speak of the devil. I can certainly assume Sasuke has a thing for long hair. When I wasn't at home, he'd braid mom's. And she was the only one who honestly didn't mind.

"When are you going to sleep?" he asked out of the blue.

"Around 11, and that would be in half an hour. Why?"

"Oh, I was just asking. I'll leave then. You must be tired after today, right? I don't want to pester you anymore."  _I'm sorry to be a burden._  Sounds so familiar to the past...

I didn't have a chance to answer (although I wasn't going to), as he stormed out of my room. I pretended I didn't see his sad eyes, when he closed the door with a loud thud. I pretended I didn't lie about my sleeping hour, when he came inside my room, at midnight. I pretended I didn't feel a thing when he laid glued to me, holding my hand tight. Unfortunately, he doesn't remember that I am the morning person between us two, if his plan was to leave before I woke up, leaving no evidence of ever being here. But I did have a nice sleep. It reminded me of childhood, when we'd always sleep together because he was waking up in the middle of the night, feeling lonely. He's still my otouto, after all these years.


	4. Listen To The Children

-Sasuke-

Seeing Madara's room with Itachi in it is still a strange sight to me. Despite the fact that they look very much alike, it's almost as if the room was made for him, and that's incredibly unsettling. A room with nothing in it, nothing to give away who's living in it, nothing to give away  _if_  anyone's living in it, and nothing to make it look less empty. If it wasn't for the warmth of his body, I would've thought that Itachi himself had died and chosen this room as his temporary refuge while he's still in a ghost state.

When I woke up the following morning, I was no longer sleeping next to my brother. He had probably gone to the bathroom without bothering to wake me up. The fact that he was awake at the time that I had set my internal alarm to ring was surprising to say the least. Why would anyone in their right mind wake up at 5 in the morning when there was no reason to do so? But I have long since stopped trying to understand the inner workings of the almighty Itachi Uchiha. Even where we were little kids, he was far beyond my understanding. It is probably a simple fact of life that I need to get used to. My brother is never going to reveal himself to me- at least not in the way that I want him to.

Seeing as there was nothing to do alone in his (Madara's...) bed, I left it after a few minutes of thinking. The first day of school is a drag, just like my friend Shikamaru would say. There's never anything exciting going on, and there's never new people to meet. Naruto had sent me a text with a picture of his schedule already, which is never a good sign. But that's something I'll be dealing with later.

I leave the room and go to my own, taking off my shorts and proceeding to take a shower. The water is not as hot as usual, and it's painfully obvious that Itachi is taking a shower at the same time. I wonder if we'll have to build another bathroom now that there's three people in the house. I know that Madara will be against it because of the money involved, but it might become necessary in time.

* * *

At school, Itachi doesn't wait for me to show him around. He simply takes his schedule from the front desk and leaves me behind. While I did not expect him to stay stuck to me the entire time while we are at school, I did expect him to stick around at least for the first day. I was wrong. And since complaining about it was not going to do any good, I just started looking for my few friends (excluding Naruto). I found Shikamaru sitting in front of his locker beside Ino, dozing off. She was playing a game on her phone while lending him her shoulder to sleep on.

"How long he been sleepin'?" I whisper to Ino as I open my own locker, three doors away from theirs. Naruto and Neji had their lockers on the other side of the building, so luckily I don't have to bother with them in the morning. Not that Neji was annoying- but he had much too strong opinions for my taste, and he liked to argue about them too. In this respect, Shika was more like me. Even when he didn't agree, he didn't argue. It was too much of a bother after all, for such a petty matter.

"I think 10 minutes. What time is it now?"

"7:28. Let's hope he'll be up in 5 or I'm leaving without you two."

"Are you stupid? As if I'm gonna stay here to be his pillow forever. I'm leaving in 5 too, with or without him." While Ino could be described as a pretty insensitive girlfriend, according to Shika she is 'just like she should be'. After crushing on me in middle school, Ino decided that Shika was the only decent guy around who could also tolerate her short temper. And she wasn't wrong. Despite looking like two strangers to the outside world, they made quite a great pair and only had minimal fights. It made me a little jealous, but I know that this harmony between them is due to Shikamaru's careful planning and infinite patience, which means that I'm definitely not made for it. I'm capable of careful planning, but not so much of patience.

I gathered my notebooks and nudged Shikamaru with my foot. He lazily opened his eyes and looked at me in annoyance.

"I know I know. But we gotta go. It's 7:35." With a little groan he takes his head off of Ino's shoulder and takes his books off the floor. He starts walking in front of us despite having just woken up from his seemingly infinite slumber. Halfway through the walk to our class, Ino goes a separate way. I'll have to get used to the fact we don't have the first period together anymore. It's just Shikamaru and I now, and that's not all that bad actually.

As soon as we entered the Geometry class, Shikamaru continued his nap on the desk. There was always a seating chart, and for some reason he never looked at it yet he always chose the seat assigned to him. One day maybe I'll understand how he could guess so accurately.

* * *

During the lunch break, I got to see Itachi again. He was sitting on the window sill, away from the tables full of other students. He didn't have a lunch, nor did he buy anything. I wondered if I should go talk to him but the aura of rejection surrounding him convinced me not to. However, he was still the one dominating my conversations with my friends. The whole school noticed him the moment he stepped in, and people were trying to find out if anyone had had the courage to talk to him yet. The answer was, most likely, a big no.

"I didn't know you had a brother" Neji said despite not being as interested in Itachi as everyone else seemed to be.

"Of course he does." Comes a lazy answer from Shikamaru. "You just haven't known him for long enough, back when his brother was still here. He was gone for some years."

"Why did he come back one year before finishing high school?" Neji prods further.

"I don't think he came here to finish high school honestly. But who knows. Enlighten us, Sasuke."

"I don't know either. Madara decided it was time for him to come back. But Madara never reveals his reasons so I don't know much more than what Shika already inferred." I wouldn't be surprised if Shikamaru could guess the reason behing my brother's return way before I did. Solving puzzles was his specialty. Complicating them was mine.

"Where he goin to college, yo? I bet he's smarter than you!" Naruto chirps from behind Neji. That little shit...

"Not sure if he's ever going to go to college. And I'm smarter than him."

"Pffff, sure you are. I know you since we were kids, temeee. You can't fool me like you do with others!" And of course, this must all be yelled loud enough for half the people in the cafeteria to hear. Even if they can't figure out the exact topic of discussion, it still bothers me to no end that I'm the center of attention while my brother can watch.

"Naruto, shut the fuck up. This is not even relevant to any of you. And definitely not to the other hundred of people in this fucking room." Just to make things even better, I was a bit louder than intended too.

"Chill, man. Take a joke, will ya? Jeez."

Was I angry? Yes, I was angry. Maybe he had hit a sensitive spot for me. I don't want to discuss my brother with them. I don't want Shikamaru to figure him out before I do. And I don't want anyone paying so much attention to him in general. But at that moment I didn't want to tell them that either, so I kept all the anger to myself.

The lights flickered for a moment, and that took me out of my little moment of spacing out. The entire room started giggling at the short power cut off, except for Itachi who started watching me from across the room. I thought he wanted to say something to me, so I left my friends behind and with a sandwich in hand, I headed towards him.

"Are you okay?" Itachi asks me as soon as I get close to him, as if he's worried about me.

"Of course," I answer. "Why?"

"You just seemed upset. Why did you come to me?" The lone wolf throws the cub to the side. How dare I approach my own brother without a clear reason for it?

"I don't know, maybe because everyone is talking about you and I'm sick of listening to them? I didn't know you'd become a damn star at the school." I honestly do not know why I'm being cynical with Itachi when he's not the one at fault for my bad mood.

"I did not mean to become one. I look quite plain today on purpose."

"Plain. You call that plain? Itachi, you look like a gracious ballerina dressed for a theft." Black, black, and more black. His unnaturally thin body is covered in all black, only his face and hands being visible. His long jacket only adds to how somber and unnatural he looks, in this sea of people with no fashion sense and an acute obsession for brands and colors.

"I thought it would have been unfit to show up in a kimono. I don't have many western clothes." He answers dryly, suddenly not interested in my well-being anymore. "How would you dress me, otouto?"

"Don't call me that here. Just put some awful looking baggy clothes on you anf you'll be fine." I can see him raising an eyebrow at me, questioning my answer. "It would definitely make you look less like royalty. You gotta be ugly enough not to get raped."

"That's not a worry I have. I can assure you that it will not happen."

"And I can assure you that people here are pushy as hell and both men and women will hunt your ass down on a daily basis if you keep dressing like that and attracting attention. The fact you're so covered up only makes you more of a tease."

"Am I being a tease to you too?" he asks me with a blank face, seemingly not expecting an answer.

"Don't be an asshole, I'm trying to help you."

"I've been here for a day, and I am already too secretive, too silent, and an asshole. I'm learning so much about myself." For the first time, I see a slight smile on his face.

"Why are you being difficult on purpose? I don't mean it in a bad way, don't take offense."

"I am a good asshole then. Otouto, you're much too young for such foul language." I feel the same anger bubbling inside me, followed by an emotion I can't quite describe. This is not what I wanted my brother to be like. Waltzing in like a geisha, attracting everyone's attention, and pushing all my buttons. He's silent and then he's bickering with me. He looks like he's carrying the world on his shoulders, and then he claims not to have a single worry. Why does he make such little sense to me, even now when I'm much older?

"Sasuke. Are you sure you're okay?" The lights had started flickering again.

"Hm? Yeah, sure. Don't worry." Although the flicker didn't stop for a good while now, Itachi was looking at me more and more intently. At some point they stopped, and he got closer to me.

"Please tell me what you were thinking," he whispers in my ear. "Please." he tries to put a hand on my shoulder, but once again it feels like he's burning me with his touch. I scoot away from him and wave my hand. It was nothing. Nothing important. But I want him to wonder what it was, as punishment maybe. Because I'm "much too young", and it's a childish desire that must come true.

He keeps looking at without any emotion on his face. He looks at his hand, blinks once, and puts it back on my shoulder. It feels like a normal hand now. "Just tell me if something ever bothers you." With that, he takes his hand off and doesn't look back at me again. I don't see him again after that until the end of school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a little shorter than what I usually write, but I need some time to readjust to the story. In my head, it had gotten too philosophical. There will be a lot of action in the next one, that's for sure. Please review or leave kudos and tell me your impressions, however good or bad they might be.


	5. The Unforgiven

-Itachi-

At the end of every school day, Sasuke goes home with only Shikamaru. Despite living in the same house as his older brother, he can never get a hold of Itachi. Itachi never waits for him, and he never says where he's going. Some times, he's already home when Sasuke gets there. Other times, he doesn't return until late evening. Despite his younger brother's repetitive inquiries, he never reveals where he's been, nor his reason for not wanting to walk home with him.

One evening, Sasuke decided to skip his last class and follow Itachi as soon as he got out of his class. However, he discovered that his brother didn't go to his last class either, and instead decided to wait in front of Sasuke's locker with a book in his hand. He had told the younger to stop trying to follow him, and thus Sasuke's stalking intentions died way before coming to fruition.

This day, however, it was Itachi's turn to get frustrated with his brother. Much of this was due to Madara's absence from the house. Sasuke had been waiting for Madara to leave the house for an extended period of time ever since Itachi moved in. And, despite Itachi's impassive face, he dreaded being left alone with Sasuke and was trying hard not to express it. In his attempt to distract his little brother from himself, he even purposefully turned Sasuke's shower water cold by absorbing the warmth from the pipe leading to the bathroom. The shock and river of swears only distracted Sasuke for about an hour, though.

* * *

October 6th was the day of doom for Itachi. At noon, his room had once again two people in it. Without bothering to knock, Sasuke came inside and flat out asked "what are you hiding from me?"

It would've been much easier for Itachi to answer that question if his brother wasn't sitting shirtless in front of him, shivering like a kitten in the snow. The only thing the elder could focus on for a second was his brother's goosebumps and the strong desire to help warm him up. He resisted the temptation though. His hands would probably just burn instead of providing comforting warmth.

"What are you referring to? And why don't you put a shirt on?" Itachi asked after a minute of silence.

"I'm not putting anything on until you answer my question!" The goosebumps seemed to intensify with every word coming out of Sasuke's mouth.

"What do you want to know?"

"Why are you always avoiding me? Why do you never look me in the eyes? Why do you leave school and random off without ever telling me where you're going?" he takes a break to breathe, and continues with a louder voice, "And, please, for the love of god, WHY is your body temperature always so fucked up? I know you know I was in your room that night so you can't deny it! You're always burning, Itachi! What kind of sickness is that and did you give it to me too?"

The elder looked at his brother with a raised eyebrow. He didn't want to answer any of those questions, maybe except for the leaving school part.

"I'm not avoiding you-"

"Bullshit," Sasuke cuts him off with a scowl.

"-without a good reason. I simply have reasons that you cannot understand just yet. That's all." Itachi continues his sentence calmly.

"That's all. That's all bullshit you mean."

"I do not look you in the eyes because I'm not in the habit of doing that. I don't look anyone else in the eyes either." Sasuke seems to accept this answer with much less fuss than the previous one. Itachi's careful avoidance of the entire truth is effective.

"I leave without you because I like to be alone and I like silence. You never shut up when you're with Shikamaru, and I wouldn't want to deprive you of his company only because of my silence craving."

"Keep going, now."

"My body temperature doesn't need a diagnosis."

"Oh come on, don't give me that. No normal person has the body temperature of a radiator. Unless you're trying to suggest I'm the abnormal one here." If Itachi was in the habit of rolling his eyes at people, this was a great moment for that.

"All I'm saying is that it is what it is. No need to question or change it."

Unsatisfied with the explanation, Sasuke reaches out for Itachi's hands and holds on despite the burning temperature. Slowly, Itachi's hand gets cooler, yet somehow more sweaty. When Sasuke retreats his hand slightly disgusted at what he perceives as sweat, Itachi smiles at him.

"I swear I don't know what's wrong with you. What's next, you're shooting lasers out of your eyes?"

"I wouldn't go that far..." Itachi says with an even wider smile. If only he knew.

"At least that. Give that hand back." As soon as he catches it, Sasuke starts poking it as if wild animals will emerge from beneath the skin. When he smells it, he immediately frowns and Itachi retreats his hand. "That is NOT sweat!"

"..."

"It's not! Unless you have the cleanest hands ever, that's not sweat! That's water, Itachi!"

"I keep my hands clean. Unlike you, otouto." Albeit surprised at being called that, Sasuke doesn't lose his train of thought.

"You know, it's funny how you basically sweat water but you can't cry even if I were to die in front of you. Did you ever wonder why it happens?"

"I'm tired of being questioned." Those were the last words Itachi said for the rest of the day. No matter how much Sasuke pleaded with him, he refused to speak. Every word brought Sasuke closer to the truth, and if it weren't for the almost surreal nature of Itachi's abilities, he would've probably already found out.

That night, however, Sasuke was camping in his brother's room. Maybe out of spite, maybe out of an effort to bond with his oh-so-unfriendly brother. Whatever the reason, he didn't hesitate to slip into Itachi's bed once the clock struck 11. The moment Itachi tried to push him away, the lights flickered again. With confused eyes, Itachi finally accepted the little leech trying to hold on to him.

* * *

The following day at noon, Madara returned home only to find Sasuke alone in the kitchen.

"Where's the other problem teen? Did you scare him away?" his mocking voice filled the kitchen, and for a short moment, Sasuke felt like everything was back to normal, as if Itachi never came back.

"He's not home. I have no idea when he left or when he's coming back, or where he is. Apparently I was being too nosey for his taste."

"Oh no. Did you start counting the hairs on his balls while he was sleeping?"

"Don't be gross, Mada. They're probably balls of fire anyway. Did you ever notice he's always burning up?"

Madara smiles at Sasuke and gives him a dark chocolate bar he picked up on his business trip. "Of course I noticed. He's always been like that."

"I call bullshit. When we were kids he wasn't a human heater. I better not find out he's got some terminal disease later on. I'll blame you, you know."

"Why would I be responsible for your brother's body?" Madara asks with indignation in his voice. Of all the things to be accused of, it had to be this.

"I don't know. It's just frustrating to be always kept in the dark."

The kitchen lights suddenly turn on without anyone having touched them. Madara raises his eyebrows at the event, just as Sasuke says, "I hate how that always seems to happen lately. Itachi's bringing weirdness all around me."

For a moment, Madara looked worried. He then realized what was going on. But what on earth could he do now for Sasuke, if the boy didn't know anything about what was happening to him? This was probably the exact nature of Sasuke's conversation with Itachi. Most likely, Itachi knew that his brother had started showing signs of developing the sharingan. Why, then, didn't he say anything to the boy?

"Maybe you should try to calm down," Madara says carefully. "Don't let any petty little thing annoy you. Like fucking electricity."

"I'll work on it. Maybe."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This baby chapter serves the purpose of being a buffer, really. The next one will be slightly different, so this is more of an explanation of what's going on. Hence the 3rd person pov. It'll go back to 1st person in the next chapter. You can probably guess what's going to happen, but you're guessing wrong most likely. So stay tuned.


	6. Hurts So Good

-Itachi-

Sasuke sneaks into my room this night around too, even with Madara in the house. Like he always does, he's holding a hand across my stomach tonight too, probably in an attempt to keep me in bed until he wakes up. The only difference is that today, he's got a lot less clothes on. While I do not understand the cause of the change since he's always complaining about my "burning" body temperature, I'm not going to question him.

At around 2AM, however, something wakes me up. It was a feeling as if I had been hit by lightning but somehow survived it. Sasuke was still sleeping soundly, showing no signs of having felt the same thing that I did. He's starting to develop it...

Maybe now he will realize that he electrocutes me just like I burn him. The only difference being that he cannot control it, while I can. Soon I will have to explain to him what is going on and why there is a power outage every time he gets mad. Such a fiery temper, on par with the flashy consequences.

_See, I'm looking at you properly now. Looking you in the eyelids is the closest I can get to looking you in the eye._

I shift my numb hand from under his back and instead rest it above his head. Never before had my face been so close to his as it was right now. And between a shared breath or two, I actually found myself wondering why it had to be like this, and why we couldn't always be this close. Brothers from the same parents, with the same blood flowing in our veins, yet never getting too close to each other. As if the similarities repel. What a cruel concept.

He strengthens his hold on me and snores a little in his sleep. Yes, sleep is so honest. Maybe because I had him right before my eyes and he had no way to protest, I kissed him. In his most vulnerable state, he is mine. When that rebellious attitude is gone, he is mine. When we'll finally be able to look each other in the eye, we will be united.

"Ngh.."  _Sleep until my dream comes true._

* * *

The morning following that night, I woke up first again. Sasuke was no longer latched onto my waist, so I got out of bed and took a shower. Madara was awake. I could hear him in the kitchen, talking to himself while cooking us some breakfast. I joined him, mostly to pass the time until Sasuke woke up and we could eat.

Madara smirked at me when he saw me enter. I sat at the kitchen table and observed his cooking. It was crème brûlée, and a whole box of ice cream cake was waiting on the counter already. A sweet breakfast.

"I noticed your brother has taken a liking to your bed. Or should I say  _my_  bed? Who would've thought that I could get both my nephews into my bed, willingly? Cheer up, Itachi. It's hilarious."

"Hilarious indeed."

"He's starting to show signs, isn't he?" he questions while looking at me from the corner of his eye.

"It appears so. It's premature though. It's not strong enough for him to realize that he's the one causing it yet."

"It might take a year. So he's a late bloomer. Are you eager to talk to him about it?"

At that moment I heard Sasuke coming down the stairs so I just nodded at Madara. I didn't look at him, but just stared at the plate that was placed in front of me. It looked delicious.

"What the fuck, Mada. Your sweet tooth got activated again?"  _Right. He doesn't like sweets._

"No, but your brother begged me on his knees to make him some crème brûlée. I couldn't refuse such a sweet request." Madara's ability to concoct such lies was fascinating and admirable at the same time.

"Sure he did. I want toast."

"Make your own, my sweet spoiled  _brat_." Madara hissed in response, with a fake smile on his face.

"Can I only have the ice cream?"

"I suggest you eat both. It's quite delicious," I intervened. He would never stop bickering with Madara otherwise.

He groaned something at me, and I actually looked up at him for that. I think he saw my eyes widen and scoffed in even more annoyance.

"I don't know what the fuck happened to my lips. I mean, sure, I ate chilli last night, but chilli ain't supposed to burn my fucking lips off, right? I'm never buying that shit again."

"Stop with the sailor language, Sasuke."

"Gimme a break. I'm really frustrated about it. It hurts to speak!"

Suddenly, Madara was staring at me intently. It was that look that meant  _is this what I think it is_. And he was right. So I avoided his eyes and accepted the fact that I was going to get a lecture laced with personal anecdotes later on.

Despite all that, I did not regret marking Sasuke like that. The red on his lips looked enticing and it suited him. Aside from the pain it caused him, I did not regret a thing.  _Never regret something that once made you smile, isn't that so?_ And Madara was not one to talk.

We ate breakfast in silence and went shopping later on. It was a normal day. No lecture ever came. Not yet. Not from Madara.

* * *

At night, Sasuke barged into my room as soon as Madara went to sleep. I considered telling him that Madara already knew about his sleeping habits, but I decided not to. It might've caused him to stop coming, for the sake of keeping up appearances. However, Sasuke's violent entrance and gaze caught me a little off guard.

"You bastard, you shut up and say nothing as if I'm stupid and I don't realize what happened!"

"..."

"Just admit it!"

"What do you want me to admit, Sasuke?" I knew what he meant. He just caught me off guard. I did not have an explanation or reasoning for what I had done.

" _You_  kissed  _me_  last night, and you kept silent about it as if it were nothing!"

"I'm sorry."

"I don't need your apology, Itachi. I need to know why. Why did you do that, why did you shut up, why did you BURN me again if you claim your body temperature is  _not to be questioned_ , and why did you not do it while I was awake?"

The last question...

"Yes."

"Yes what?"

"Yes, it means what you think it means."

"What do I think it means?"

"You think I wanted you to do it while I was awake."

"Did I?"

"Yes. And the answer is yes."

"Sasuke..." What does he want from me  _now_ , telling me all this?

"Grow some balls, Itachi."

"That's rude."

"Says the guy who kissed his brother in his sleep and then pretended it never happened."

"I apologized for that already."

And then he kissed me. An angry, inexperienced, sloppy kiss. Meant to punish me maybe, although I did not feel punished at all. He placed a hand on my neck and held it as if he wanted me to suffocate there, under his kiss. To make sure I wouldn't leave, even if it hurt me to stay. He eventually stops, but keeps the hand on my neck.

"Do it like a man. If you wanna do it, be honest about it."

"That's a sexist gender stereotype."

"Shut the fuck up, Itachi."

Another sloppy kiss. He tries to stare into my eyes as I look somewhere at his forehead. The hand that was not on my neck pushes me against the wall behind my bed and keeps me pressed against it. It almost stops me from breathing, and the prodding tongue in my mouth is taking even more of my breath away. Maybe he wants to choke me.

"You'll suffocate me if you keep doing that," I say as soon as he retreats a little to breathe.

"And don't you deserve it? I thought this is what you wanted. This is what you were doing last night."

"I was a lot more gentle." It was true.

"I'm not a gentle person," he answers and smirks at me. "You took the first step. Now I have no reason to hold back, isn't that right?"

And he didn't hold back. It feelt like the kisses would never stop. I do not remember how many times he kissed me. I don't remember how I felt about it. He gave me no reason for his action. This was not what I wanted, but I had no reason to reject him. All I know is that eventually, I gave in and reciprocated them. This time, I tried not to burn his lips anymore. Once he was satisfied, he told me to go to sleep. And I listened. And in a dream haze, I felt him touching me. Or maybe it was my own imagination trying to soothe me.


	7. Don't Stop Me Now

-Sasuke-

Every now and then when I see Itachi reading in his room at night, I wish I could scold him like our father used to do. He shouldn't be so surprised that his eyes are sometimes failing him. His new habit of staring at something intensely until his eyes finally focus is very misleading. Because he never squints or moves any muscles on his face to signal the discomfort, it seems like he's merely taking in his surroundings. When he stares at me too, it feels like he's analyzing me.

I remember he had those exact same habits when we were children too. Now he does them a bit differently, however. For a change, the last time I saw him reading while I was with him was in the car, the day that he came back. I know that he still reads a lot. He does it in front of Madara. He does it at school. He does it in his room. But never in front of me. I don't mind, yet it unsettles me for some reason.

Madara tells me I'm paranoid. That's his answer to everything lately. There are times when although Madara and Itachi are speaking in front of me, I feel left out. Confused, even. I don't always understand what they're talking about, and it feels like they have a code of their own made to exclude me from the conversation. It would've been pointless to ask them about it. I don't want to hear two perfectly identical, planned, and eloquent answers deflecting my question.

Today Itachi is in the living room, reading. I haven't talked to him all morning, and if I don't say anything then he won't bother to look my way. He's probably still angry at me, but doesn't want to discuss it after I told him to stop talking last night. So I stay in my room talking to myself like the moron I am while wondering why on earth my chest has to burn so much on both the inside and the outside.  _They hurt more when the lights start flickering in my room_.

I'm stupid. So, so stupid.

* * *

(A/N: Yes, this will be a flashback of sorts. It happens before the intro)

Yesterday, I overheard one of Itachi and Madara's enigmatic conversations. They never included me in them, and the little bits and pieces that I hear are not enough to actually understand anything. All I can pick up from them is that Madara is growing increasingly irritated with Itachi, for some undisclosed reason.

_"You shouldn't criticize the decisions of a grown-up just because you think you're mature enough, Itachi. Even if my choice is questionable. So shut up."_

_"You shouldn't say 'the decisions of a grown up'," Itachi laughs. "Do you think the same tricks you use on Sasuke will work on me? You are defending the choices of your 18 year old self here, not the choices of a grown up. I can contest them all I want."_

Why does he always find so much to talk about to Madara and not to me? This pointless quarrel that goes nowhere... Why is he always so captivated by it?

_"Why do I always have to deal with troublesome people with big mouths? I stand by my choice even now, so it's the decision of a grown up."_

_"That's exactly the problem. How come it's taking more than a decade for you to realize the futility of that choice you made? You do realize he's waiting for you, don't you?"_

_"That has absolutely nothing to do with you, Itachi."_

_"I'm merely trying to open your eyes. Don't forget I'm guilty of graver deeds than you are. I find it odd that you never changed your mind."_

_"You don't know what it's like, Itachi. You no longer had to face your sins after the caskets were covered with dirt. I don't have that kind of closure."_

At some point I stopped registering what they were saying. I know they were discussing our parents' death, and I knew Itachi felt guilty about it. I knew he would've probably wanted to attend the funeral. I'm not quite sure what sins Madara is talking about, but as time goes by I'm more and more certain that he had something to do with their odd death. Why else would Itachi constantly argue with him in that reproaching tone? They stayed and talked all afternoon. I only saw Itachi again at night, when he returned to his room.

When it got dark, I usually automatically went to Itachi's room. Lately he started ignoring me completely, disregarding all my comments or attempts. For once, he was reading even if I was in the same room as him. It was making me feel guilty. Silence makes us all feel guilty, doesn't it? Maybe except for him, since he finds solace in it.

_He did it first, so why should I feel guilty about it?_

Itachi took off his hairband at 11:15, signaling he was ready to go to sleep. We had school the following day, but he never went to sleep earlier just because he had school. He got under the covers, switched off the only lamp in the room, and turned his back to me.

"You could at least say goodnight,  _a-ni-ki_." He didn't answer this time either. When I came closer and held a hand over his shoulders while trying to spoon him, he didn't budge. It was as if he had gone completely frigid. His hair was in my face, suffocating me slowly. Itachi is suffocating me from inside out, at all times.

Slowly inducing the desire in me and the rejecting me. Suddenly his gracious walk is my porn. Every breath is a small moan. Every blink is a flutter of eyelashes. His hot palms are seductive. All the physical signs are there, yet his mind rejects me so openly.

"I'm sorry I kissed you," I finally said. He slowly shifted to look at me, but it was too dark to see his expression.

"You give up so fast, no matter what I say." And my face almost fell at that. He's the one telling  _me_  that?

"You're conflicting. You're so fucking conflicting for me. What do I do with you?" He just stared at me for a second, probably amused. But Itachi is never amused.

"Sorry. I can't be who you want me to be. I'm aware."

"Jesus, Itachi. Why the fuck did you kiss me then? What the fuck do you want? Do you even know why you do what you do?"

He turned his back to me again and didn't say anything. We sat like that in silence for many minutes. At some point I know I started pulling on his arm hairs to pass the time and make sure he wouldn't fall asleep. The hairs were short and my fingers were not the most delicate so I imagine it must've hurt him a little.

"I do love you. But not physically like you love me."

"You don't love me  _physically_?" Was the serious? Right then I thought it was a joke. Now, I regret that thought.

"No." I could feel his serious face although I could not see it, and it somehow made the situation seem even more hilarious to me at the time.

"What makes you think I love you physically?"

"You're hard every night. I can feel it." He answers sternly, like an unwilling parent giving an awkward sex talk to their 12 year old daughter.

"I don't love you physically, Itachi. You must've imagined it."

"I did not imagine it. It is quite clear. Why do you deny, even as your  _hard_ dick is pressing against my thigh?" The almost clinical tone of his voice was making it harder and harder not to laugh.

"I'm denying it because it is not true. See, I love you quite innocently, just like I always did. Isn't it  _you_  the one who started the physical aspect between us? I'm merely responding to that."

At that moment, those didn't even feel like my own words. They were way too complex to represent the turmoil that was in my head. But they felt like something Itachi would've wanted to hear. To justify his signals and desires. Maybe he was secretly controlling my mind. But who knows... the whole thing made no sense anyway.

"Did you miss me?" He asks me seemingly out of the blue.

"Excuse me?"

"Those 7 years. Did you miss me?" He raised his head a little and I could see his eyes shining in the dark.

"Are you stupid? Of course I did."

"He sent me pictures..." he starts in a low voice, then continues louder. "...while I was away. I couldn't help myself. I'm sorry. They were the only familiar thing I had."

_Did the almighty, stoic Itachi Uchiha really..._

"Masturbating to them? That's fucked up, Itachi." He nods. "I mean, the world invented the internet, you know? You have at least five horny housewives throwing themselves at you on every innocent website!"

"I don not love you physically," he repeated for what felt like the hundredth time. "You were just all I had at the time. And maybe in general too...we only have each other."

He sounded resentful. Resentful for what he had done. And I don't know why, but I couldn't bring myself to feel sorry for him. Why should we pretend that things are normal between us? We had always been excessively close. The 7 year hiatus did nothing to lessen our strange bond.

And so, when he looked back at me and tried to apologize, I covered his mouth with my hand and slowly started to take off his underwear. I could feel the weak protest in his body, but it was so half-assed that it almost wasn't there. I sure didn't take it seriously. He wanted to  _talk._  He wanted to  _explain_. To bond. To share. But that's what you do when you have 7 years to reflect. I had 7 years to suffer, not to reflect.

Who gave a shit that I got hard for my brother? Who gave a shit that there was no logical explanation for what we were doing? I certainly did not.

When Itachi desperately tried to pry away my hand from his ass, I simply told him to give in to it.

"It was bound to happen," I said. "Just let it happen," I said.

"You still don't know anything about me. Or about us. There's so much..." and his serious voice got silenced by a wet kiss, not as skillful as it could've been, but not as meaningless as Itachi thought it to be.

He was so beautiful that night. Everything about him was utterly enthralling. Even as he was trying not to react to the movements of my hands on his body, even as he held his head up like a royal figure, even as his burning palms rested themselves on top of mines, there wasn't a single thing about him that wasn't beautiful.

His pride and regret could not stop my hand from moving up and down his shaft, just like his pride could not prevent him from making the little sounds he made, all little sounds of guilty pleasure.

When my hand wet from his semen moved to his ass, he turned to me and tried to kiss my neck. His kisses all left burning wounds on my body, and his touches were anything but gentle. Elegant, but not gentle. As I managed to force a finger inside him, I realized that he knew that he was being cruel. Each time he left another kiss burn, I added another finger or I sped up the pace.

Even as he made a strangled noise, I did not stop, because the kisses never stopped. I was never good at making him feel better anyway. That was his job. But even if he did try to atone with his body, his mind was still plagued by guilt. I am far too young right now. All I could've done for him was fuck the guilt away.

When I felt a drop of blood pouring from one of the wounds he left on me, I pushed him onto his stomach and thrust myself in, more roughly than I intended, more painfully than I expected. His back was colored with my blood, and my dick was most likely colored by his. Through the pain and pleasure of it, I still felt a pang of happiness hitting me with this dark and blurry sight. I saw his red colored back for a second when the lamp light flickered for a second. I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself down. This didn't have to hurt either of us. This didn't have to end so quick.

"You can move if you want to," Itachi whispers from under me.

"Do you want me to?" If he didn't admit it at that moment, then he never would've done it. I remember myself thinking,  _say it. Say you love me. Say it, Itachi. Say it._

"Does it make any difference?"

"It does to me. Please."

"Yes."

"Do you love me?"

"Yes."

"Do you want me to fuck you?" He sighed. I smiled, and I started moving. "I did not mean to push my luck," I said between thrusts. "I almost felt wanted for a second."

"You are wanted." I went just a little bit harder after hearing that. It couldn't have lasted more than 3 minutes. Not with the intense feeling that came rushing through me with every thrust. Not with the overwhelming excitement that had been building up ever since his first kiss.

I know I heard a few silent moans from him, probably from the pain and pressure of my body. For a moment, a second before I came, I could've sworn he turned his face to look at me, but I closed my eyes and forgot everything just a second later.

When I pulled out and felt my own cum dripping from his ass straight on the sheets, It made me feel so satisfied. He was right where I wanted him. And if I hadn't fallen asleep right after taking in that sight, heightened by a low flicker of light, then I would've told him that I loved him too, and I would've accepted to talk.

But that talk never happened, not until now. I'm so stupid. So, so stupid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the special chapter, about 1,000 words longer than the past ones. Next chapter will be from Madara's POV, because I need to develop the second part of the story.


	8. Us And Them

-Madara-

"Why are you so afraid to meet him again?" Itachi asks me as he's playing with the spoon he ate his dessert with. "It's been so many years, don't you think it's time you admitted you've been careless in your decisions?"

"You shouldn't criticize the decisions of a grown-up just because you consider yourself mature enough, Itachi. Even if my choice is questionable. So shut up."  _How does one answer questions that they dread addressing?_

"You shouldn't say 'decisions of a grown-up.' Do you think the same tricks you use on Sasuke will work on me? You are defending the choices of your 18 year old self here, not the choices of a grown up. I can contest them all I want." He stares at me as if daring me to deny what he's rightfully accusing me of.

"Why do I always have to deal with troublesome people with big mouths? I stand by my choice even now, so it's the decision of a grown up." Itachi shrugs and smirks at me. He gets up and throws the spoon in the sink and without facing me, continues his persuasive speech.

"That's exactly the problem. How come it's taking more than a decade for you to realize the futility of that choice you made? You do realize he's waiting for you, don't you?"  _How does one face the past, when one is forced to relive it every day, at a torturous intensity?_

"That has absolutely nothing to do with you, Itachi."

"I'm merely trying to open your eyes. Don't forget I'm guilty of graver deeds than you are. I find it odd that you never changed changed your mind."  _...when memories are a curse?_

"You don't know what it's like, Itachi. You no longer had to face your sins after the caskets were covered with dirt. I don't have that kind of closure." _...and any decision is wrong? Every action is hurtful to someone? Every moment of closeness hurting him, and every moment of distance hurting me?_

"I have to face Sasuke every day, and lie to him. Don't speak as if I'm a stranger to suffering. But I'm sure Izuna would agree with you. Half assed feelings are more torturous than indifference." He turns to leave from the kitchen but looks at me over his shoulder for one last time. "Still. Don't rob someone of their life just because of your cowardice."

Little Sasuke may complain about his plain personality, but he just doesn't know where to look. They are such complicated kids.  _Were we not the same, though?_  How many times had Mikoto told us to stop being such brats? For God's sake, we are so far away from each other right now.

One in the grave, one on the way there, one raising the other's remains. How much things changed from the time you were raising us yourself, nee-san.

* * *

Mikoto was older than me by 7 years, and older than Izuna by 10. She single-handedly raised me, and together we raised Izuna. In that respect, she saw us as her own children as she got older. When she moved out with Fugaku at 20, Izuna felt orphaned. And if there's anything I can blame Mikoto for, it's her timing. At times, her lack of observational skills too. But there was no way she could've known...

After Izu was born, our father left home looking for work and one month later, after multiple failed attempts at getting a job, bought a gun and shot himself in the head. For 3 years, our mother struggled to raise us by herself. Mikoto helped her so much that she didn't get to have much of a childhood. Once she left town at 15 to go to a fancy high school, our mother decided to remarry. Since Mikoto was not living with us anymore, we rarely spent time together anymore. Which, for better or for worse, saved her from a lot of grief. It also closed her eyes to a lot of what was happening in the household.

Because of that, when our mother died only three years later, she never considered taking custody of us. She was 18, and she wanted to go to college, not raise children. I like to tell myself that she couldn't have been granted our custody anyway, but that's because I love her as a sister despite all the times she ignored Izu's cries of help.

Our step father was not by far the kind widower our hopeless mother thought him to be. He was the one who poisoned her right after making her change her will in his favor, just like he did to his previous wife.

In a way, I should consider myself lucky that our step father had no interest in me. On the other hand, the countless times he allowed his mistress to touch Izu everywhere made me want to snap his neck, along with hers. He didn't do this because he thought it was fun, but because he was scared of being left and being alone. Every time his mistress would threaten to leave him, he'd use us as little prizes for her. We were young, we were adorable, and we were completely under his thumb.

When I was sixteen, I realized that he emotionally abused and manipulated everyone he ever came into contact with. By then, it was far too late to fix anything.

He was not interested in us, so he didn't care what happened to us as long as we were still alive. Mikoto was gone, and I was afraid. Seven years had to pass for all this hell to end. Seven years in which I had developed so much hatred for life and for those people that I developed the weird visual powers that haunt me even now.

The older I got, the more I felt like I was losing my mind. The more it felt like neither Izuna nor I could stay sane in that house anymore. Going through puberty while being molested must be hell on earth. Izuna more than me probably developed a hatred for all sexual contact because of that, and I could do nothing to help.

I was scared of my eyes, and I was terrified of being separated from Izuna in a time when all we had was each other. For that reason, I waited until I was 18 to do anything to save ourselves. I had wanted to do it sooner, but one night was enough to change my mind. One night, followed by many nights much like it.

When I was 16 and Izuna was 13, he told me that for once, he wanted to be held by someone he loved. The school system did nothing but accentuate the feeling of  _wrongness_. Being touched sexually without your consent was wrong. Being touched sexually by a relative was wrong. Being happy was right. But what if being happy came from something that was wrong?

At that time, I refused him and told him that it's just the emotional distress making him ask for that. I could no longer keep my stance once he begged me to do it.  _"I want to know what it feels to not hate what's happening to me,"_  he said.  _"You're the only one I'd ever allow to touch me. I know I'm young. But I'm too young to have all that bad stuff happening to me too."_  He was tearing up.  _"Please."_

I could not refuse. Our bodies and experiences were so similar. The night we first had sex I felt like I was somehow penetrating myself. This part of me that was detachable, yet unmistakably  _me_. He was in pain, and I was very bad at what I was doing, but he didn't say a word. He just kept clutching to me as if I was a tree. Somehow, he was more experienced than me, and it broke my heart as well as it made me angry.

Every night he'd come back from that woman's room crying, he'd beg me to fuck him. Make him feel a bit more loved and a bit less used. Even when I was too rough, he claimed that the tears were of joy. By the time he was 15, we started having sex more often than he was called into her room. It was a release, yes. But it was also our way to share ourselves in ways that we could not do it with others who couldn't understand our life and thoughts and pains.

A few months after turning 18, I sent Izuna away on a summer camp and murdered our step father's mistress. It was the first time I used my eyes to willingly hurt someone. Nobody could've traced it down to me. Our step father hanged himself after I sent him a note saying that I sent a note to the police telling them how he killed all of his wives. Indeed, the police assumed his mistress died poisoned by him.

In court, Izuna was old enough to decide that he wanted to live with me, and Mikoto was listed as the second legal tutor, although it was just a formality. She never interfered with us. She was married with children already. She was too busy with her own life to get involved in ours. Since I inherited our mother's dying company, I started working there.

* * *

I got lucky I think. I was a better entrepreneur than our mother was, and Fugaku helped me with getting clients too. That man's business spirit was his only good part, but I was in no place to judge my sister for her taste in men. After such a poor childhood, it's no wonder she could overlook his bad parts for a little love and money. Mikoto insisted that the children get her surname, and that was probably all Fugaku ever gave up for her.

By the time I was almost 19, Izuna kept pressing me to tell him what happened to our step father and his mistress. He knew I was involved, he just didn't know how I pulled it off. He asked me every night.

"Nii-san, tell me how they died."

"No."

"I want to laugh at their miserable deaths." His devious smile was always my weakness.

"That's not very nice of you."

"They weren't very nice to me."

"That's true. But still no."

In the end he convinced me, just like he could convince me of anything. I told him about my eyes, and what they could do. He insisted that I could control what I did with them perfectly, and I agreed. I wanted to be his hero. I wanted to look strong. I was young and stupid.

"Can you show me what you saw when you killed her?"

"Why would you want to see that?"

"To make myself feel better."

And I tried to show him the best that I could. But as soon as I looked into his eyes with the intention to show him, he laughed for a second and then dropped to the floor. I was desperate. I thought I had killed him too. I called the ambulance and told them he dropped without a reason. I was crying on the phone. I was dying on the inside while he was dying on the outside.

But he lived. He was in a coma for two weeks, and then he woke up. That day, we had the last conversation in person. He was cheerful, and I was plagued by built. I wish I could take back that conversation.

_"What a beautiful sight to fall asleep to was that," he told me as if he had just slept two hours instead of two weeks._

_"I almost killed you, Izu."_

_"It would've been very kind of you, but I'm glad I'm alive so I can admire your face more."_

_"Now is not the time for jokes."_

_"I'm half blind and mostly paralyzed, you want me to lose my humor too and turn into a vegetable?"_

_"I'm no better than everyone else." At that point, I really felt too worthless for words._

_"Mada, don't be ridiculous. I'll recover soon enough."_

_"I crippled you just like everyone else did."_

_"Yeah well, maybe I don't need those legs anyway. I'm lazy, I don't feel like going anywhere anyway. It's the perfect excuse! Sex will be less painful too." His forced silly smile only made me feel worse._

_"There are no good parts to this."_

_"Okay. Okay, I'm broken. I'm not happy about it either. What you gonna do now, leave me here like a broken doll?"_

_"I don't feel like being made fun of, Izuna."_

_"And I don't enjoy being in a hospital bed unable to even piss on my own. But you know, I get over it. Like a mature human being."_

I got angry, and scared. I saw him looking at me mockingly for a second and I didn't have the courage to face him again. I do realize that I was (am?) childish. But then again, he never tried to talk to me either. I sent him letters multiple times, and he never answered. I declared him mentally incapacitated, and kept him in a hospice ever since. He never tried to get out. He never tried to talk to me. For all I know, he never read my letters either. I pay for his hospitalization every month, without asking how he's doing. I don't know what he looks like anymore. But every night, I see him in my nightmares and that keeps me from going to visit him.

I'm afraid of Itachi making the same mistake. Us and them...plagued by the same fears. Sasuke is so much like Izuna. Always daring Itachi to do things. Izu, I wish I knew what to tell those kids. But we are too different from them. There's too much grief and silence between us. There's too much electricity and curiosity between them. What do I tell those kids, Izu, so they don't have to suffer like us?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, finally Madara's story, and definitely not the last time I'll write a chapter from his POV. Next time we'll have Itachi POV, so tell me what you'd like to know about him/his thoughts and I'll see if I can fit it within the plot. Please tell me if you liked this chapter, and what I could add for the next time we see Madara.


	9. Where Dreams End And Reality Begins

-Itachi-

Sasuke gives me that guilty look every time I look his way, so why doesn't he seem to appreciate my efforts at not interacting with him? For one night, he didn't even come to my room. We hadn't talked all day, and apparently he wanted to maintain the silence during the night as well. The bed felt a little less warm without him, but it was a little more relaxing to not have to constantly control my body temperature for him.

It was only a bit unsettling how quickly I got used to feeling him against my back, holding onto me like a hungry leech.

Two days later, however, he returned. Still, he no longer tried to touch me or even talk to me. He merely got undressed and went to sleep on his side of the bed before the time when I usually go to sleep. So here we are now.

"Am I getting the silent treatment from you, otouto?" I ask him from my desk, not looking back at him.

"Sorry," comes the whispered response from under the covers.

"You don't want to talk to  _me_ , your traumatized victim?" I know I'm pouring salt in the wound. I must admit that I do not know what he's thinking about what happened between us two days ago. He goes from lust to regret very fast, it seems.

"Sorry," he repeats in an even smaller voice. "I didn't mean to. It was adrenaline. I was... I was..."

"You were?"

"I was frustrated that you wouldn't talk to me and tell me what you wanted."

"So you decided, by yourself, that what I wanted was sex."  _Be more gentle, self._

His head came out from under the covers and I could feel his confused and hurt stare on my back even though I could only see it from the corner of my eye. I am quite intrigued now.  _Why am I doing this to him?_

"You know I can't read signs. You... I'm sorry, aniki. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"Oh, but you did. You were very confident, even."

"I didn't know what I was doing, I just thought that's how things go."

"Those things?"

"When you give those signs. It usually means...sex."

He was quite fascinating in his innocence, and I must admit that even if I resented him, this would've convinced me otherwise.

"Your older brother ignored you, so that means seduction and sex? You have an interesting notion of foreplay, otouto."

"I KNOW I'M STUPID. I know it. Stop reminding me. I'm sorry, Itachi." Even his yelling can be adorable. And yet he sounded like he was about to cry, so I stopped. My intention was not to have him think that I hated him for what he did. And despite what he may think, I could've stopped it if I wanted to. I did not mind the action itself as much as I did not appreciate its...delivery. Meanwhile, he hid under the covers again.

"You don't have to look sulky and devastated forever."

"But I fucked up so badly and-"

"Sasuke. Stop sulking."

"-because you're so unemotional, I try to fill in the emotions myself! What do you feel? What do you want? You waltz back into my life and make the strangest statements and I don't know what to do! I lose myself in front of you all the time. And lately I WANT to lose myself in you as well. Why, Itachi? What ARE we?"

I understand his points. And it reminds me so much of Madara at times. The way he loses himself in those strong emotions powered by hormones and uncertainty. The way he never knows what the right thing to do is.

"I am not unemotional." I came closer to him, but not under the covers yet. "Don't you think you're assuming way too many things about me?"

He takes his head out from under the covers once more and looks at me as if lost. His hair's a bird's nest, with spikes everywhere, and he tries to run his hand through it to smooth it over, without much success. He opens his mouth. He closes it. He opens it again.

"Please tell me about you, aniki."

* * *

I remember when Madara and I exchanged the stories about our eyes through the Tsukuyomi, as he called it. He killed only one person with it: his step mother. Izuna survived the Tsukuyomi, and yet Madara said he needed to be constantly hospitalized after it. I know he never visited, because he told me so. I know because the grief I saw inside the Tsukuyomi was too big for someone who kept in touch with their most beloved.

_"It would do no good. He might not even recognize me anymore. He might be a vegetable already. Who knows."_

He said that, and yet he was crying on the inside every night as he was plagued by nightmares and insecurities. Not having closure... is that what it can do to a person?

Madara's fear of what could happen if I told Sasuke how our parents died stemmed from his own experience with fatal curiosity. And yet there was too much of it. If I hadn't pressed him to let me come back, he would've probably postponed it indefinitely, just like he postpones visiting Izuna. To him, not seeing Sasuke at all was better than hurting him and then living with the guilt. And for a while I agreed. But then, what was left in life for me?

 _"Why did you let Sasuke do that?"_ he asked me yesterday.

_"Because I couldn't refuse him."_

_"Why did you kiss him then? You think I didn't see?"_

_"I never doubted that you saw. I just felt like doing it."_

_"Itachi, you can't do this. You know he adores you. You know he'd do anything for you. And if anyone finds out, think of what people would say. I know you don't care, but think of HIM."_

_"That didn't stop you and Izuna."_ I remarked, stopping his virtuosity speech.

He did not agree with me. He kept trying to justify that what he had with Izuna was not a sexual relationship, but a healing of the soul through sex. And I never doubted that they had very good reasons for it, but so did I.

* * *

What Sasuke doesn't understand and Madara does is that at times, being wanted the wrong way can hurt just as much as being unwanted, if not even more so. Being unwanted is mere rejection. Being wanted the wrong way is dismissal, along with selfishness, misunderstanding, and thoughtlessness. It doesn't hurt the feelings as much as it hurts the soul, by taking it and putting it in positions it's not meant for.

I did not wish for Sasuke to crave for my body. The body is just an extension of my mind and soul. It's not my body who wants him, but my soul. I do not mind giving him my body- and I'm ready to admit that it's my body getting aroused when he's close to me- but only alongside my mind and my entire being.

It's not as if I'm stuck in a rut with "being loved" or "making love, not sex". Far from. For anyone else, it would not matter. But we are not in any way regular, or average. We can only have all or nothing. You don't just  _casually_  sleep with your brother.

_"Itachi, what do you want?"_

_"I want to share myself with you. All of myself."_

_"How do you do that?"_

_"I'd have to look you in the eyes."_

_"What's stopping you?"_

_"I do not want to hurt you."_

And I wake up. The conversation is just a dream.  _A dream..._  Sasuke is still sleeping soundly next to me, our previous conversation forgotten.  _What if..._

_"Aniki, you never look me in the eyes."_

_"I'm not doing it on purpose."_

_"Then why won't you do it now?"_

Sasuke, would you be able to understand all those parts of me that have been so intense that they could kill people?

Sasuke, would you be able to witness the death of our parents without breaking down?

Sasuke, would you be able to see the extent of my love and not be crushed under it?

Would you still love me then?

Desire me?

Accept me as your brother? The sinner who killed? The sinner who wanted your body, soul, and all, so intimately?

Will you still be able to look me in the eye and say you want me, say you're sorry?

It was not rape, because I was atoning through it. Not that you'd know... I started raping you even before that kiss. I'm the one who should apologize. I'm the one who brought you here, because I wanted  _all_  rather than  _nothing_.

"I do not deserve to look you in the eye and hurt you once again."

A small thunder erupts outside, and Sasuke shifts his position under me.

"But you deserve the truth." When he wakes up, the stopwatch will start- and reality will begin.


	10. Eyes On Fire

Itachi never made sense to me and probably never will. When he talked to me about the night we fucked he wasn't making any sense either, although he probably doesn't see it like that. Each and every attempt at explaining something to me backfires, and yet still he never tries to change his tactics.

He's not angry anymore at least, because he invited me to hold on to him at night, since it's already December. I should buy him something later on, if only I knew what he likes aside from reading books and being left alone.

But for today, he's got other plans. He didn't even announce me ahead of time. Some time after I woke up, he kissed me and told me to come with him somewhere. He looked serious, but not particularly insistent. It wasn't the usual Itachi that told me what to do. This time he was  _asking_  me.

I kissed him back, and he almost retreated.

"You can kiss me but I can't kiss you?" I asked.

"You can. But it's probably not good for me to feel accepted."

There he goes again with the abstract talking. Waiting for me to guess what he meant by that, as if we had the same brain.

"Should I slap you the next time you kiss me?"

"You could. Maybe it would sober me up." he pauses and looks at the unmade bed as if reminiscing. "So will you come with me today? You don't have to."

"I can come. Where are we going?"

"Home."

"Home?"

"Yes. Home. We're going to go on a walk around our old home."

"Isn't that someone else's home already?"  _And why would we ever go back there anyway?_

"Technically." Itachi...

"Only technically?" He smiles at me and gets out of bed, planning to leave the room.

"You'll see what I mean. Madara took care of everything."

" _Took care of everything?_ " I follow him out of the room and into Izuna's currently empty room. "Itachi, why are we here? What are you even saying?"

"He cleaned up my messes every time I needed him to. You should probably appreciate him a little more, Sasuke." He glances at Izuna's queen sized bed, untouched for so many years. He stares at it as if he's waiting for something to happen.

"You know I never liked Madara as much as you. I'm thankful that he raised me the best that he could, but I still think he's somehow involved in our parents' death, you know? I don't see how you never questioned his implication in the whole thing..."

"Stop thinking that." His voice is suddenly back to the usual Itachi who demands instead of asking.

"Well, you know, nobody ever bothered to explain to me why they suddenly died like that, so I assumed he poisoned them or something. Since you conveniently moved your ass to Jeju, I had no one to talk to me about it! Madara only gives me answers that are shady as fuck and you avoid the subject like it's the plague, while you both try to convince me that it was  _fucking natural_. I apologize for not believing that people can drop dead like that with no explanation whatsoever!"

It was the first time since the night he returned that I was yelling at him in frustration. Even so, not a single muscle on his face moved while I saying all that- and it only fueled my anger more. Why did he never  _care_?

"Sasuke, stop."

"Maybe you, since you're always so friendly with Madara, would care to explain this STRANGE phenomenon to your  _stupid little brother_  for once, eh?"

"Shut up."

"Oh, I'm done. That's all I had to say."  _This is not going the way I wanted it to..._  "And unless you're ready to accept that HE is at fault for their death, leave me the fuck alone. If I'm always wrong then at least I won't have to see your ugly face and be reminded of it!"  _What am I even saying..._

"Do you ever think before you speak, otouto?"

"Don't  _otouto_  me, Itachi. You're just trying to cover your own ass right now!" This time he starts moving towards me, ready to grab on to me, and I immediately jump to the other side of the room.

"Why are you suddenly being so unreasonable?" he asks patiently, with a hand still extended in my direction. His calmness bothers me. I don't know why, but it does.

"There's nothing sudden about it, dude. It's always been  _right here_  in my head!"

"Sasuke, you're better than this. Don't start acting like a brat. Madara is more patient than me when it comes to being addressed like that."  _Fucking..._

"Well excuse me, Uchiha-san. I let all this justified anger get out of me and I forgot all my royalties. What you gonna do now?"

He appears in front of me apparently out of the blue, grabs me by the shoulder, and suddenly pushes me out the window. For a moment I wanted to yell at him, but I don't even know how I landed on the ground unscathed. Immediately after, he switched to holding onto my wrist and dragging me after him at an insane speed.

I don't think I ever ran that fast in my entire life. I know I kept yelling at him as he was dragging me along.

_"Who ever gave you the right to leave me alone for seven years?"_

_"Where have you always been when I needed you?"_

_"Why do you never talk to me sincerely?"_

_"Why are you doing everything you're doing? Why are we doing this? Why are we like this? Why did you have to come back into my life and immediately turn it upside down? Why, Itachi, why WHY WHY WHY?"_

The whole time he only held onto my hand and kept on running towards our old house. It started raining and thundering outside in the middle of my yelling, but somehow the rain never touched him.

It was as if he had a shield surrounding his body. There was steam instead of sweat coming from his skin. I rubbed my eyes three times and I still couldn't make sense of what I was seeing. I thought I was hallucinating after so much senseless yelling, and yet he gave off this surreal air all the time.

It almost seemed as if we'd never stop running, in that awful thunderstorm. For a little eternity, I watched his ponytail swing in the wind, untouched by the water, as his skin gave off that strange steam. His hand was burning my wrist, and I almost thought that I'd start burning and crumble to ashes by the time we got to the house.

After some time, however, he stopped. We were in front of the house. He looked at it for a second, and then towards me. The rain was definitely not touching him, and the steam surrounding him like a contour was terrifying.

"I know you have questions." He told me, taking deep breaths. The steam was clearing out. "And I know I've always avoided giving you the answers. I actually never wanted to give you an answer. You can see why."

I had lost all my words. I couldn't say anything. I was just staring at him in horror.

"Even if you can't make sense of any of this, you will. You see that thunder? That's  _you_."

What is he saying?

"Sasuke, I've been waiting for so long... I've been waiting so long for you to be strong enough to withstand this truth. Trust me, it's been hard on  _everyone_." Another thunder erupts from behind him.

What is he trying to imply?

"See, I know you're outraged because of that thunder. I always understood your feelings. I didn't ignore you. But I just  _couldn't._  I couldn't hurt you."

"Itachi," my voice is so hoarse from breathing through my mouth that it doesn't even sound like me. "Itachi, what  _are_  you?"

"I will explain in a second. Just look at the house. Madara made sure it would look the same. Until you found out. So you wouldn't feel betrayed." He looked calm, but his voice almost sounded desperate.

"Why would Madara give a shit?"

"Because he suffered more than you and I. You have no idea what that man went through. Sasuke, you should never blame him for anything in regard to our parents. Never."

"Stop." He looks at me and waits. "I've had enough of that, really." He's still waiting. "Your half-assed puzzle statements... enough of that." The rain surrounds him like an aura, but he's nothing like a saint, even if he looks like one. "You dragged me here already. Man up and tell me the truth square in the face."

He looks down, and hair covers his face. When he looks back up, he's staring somewhere to the right of my face. But his eyes are suddenly red, and there are three commas on each iris.  _What on earth..._

"This is the truth you wanted. Do you still want me to look you in the eye?"

I don't know what possessed me. But I couldn't resist.

"Look me in the eyes, Itachi. And explain everything."

He sighed and pressed his lips together. For the first time, he looked like he was in pain. Still, he slowly shifted his gaze until he was looking into my eyes, and I was suddenly engulfed in that infinite red world.

* * *

_"This is the Tsukuyomi. It might hurt your body to be here. But this is the real representation of my mind."_

_The voice talked to me as I saw a red replica of our childhood home. Even the contour of my body was white on red. Everything was so red._

_"I've had it since I was 11. I couldn't really control it back then." I couldn't see his body. Only his eyes were there, in the background, staring at me. Eyes without a face can easily get creepy..._

_"I'm sorry. It was my fault."_

_The eyes on the wall of the house closed, and I saw my parents with a little Itachi. He was dressed the same way he was when they died._

_No._

_That was the day they died, wasn't it?_

_How could he show me that? What on earth does this Tsukuyomi do?_

_'Itachi, you're way too close to Madara. I don't want you becoming like that man.'_

_I feel a sudden hit in the stomach, and I can't figure out where it came from. The only change was that a dark cloud was suddenly surrounding Itachi._

_'Fugaku, don't talk so badly of my brother.'_

_'He's a despicable human being, Mikoto, brother or no brother. I don't want my son anywhere near him, or he'll get those weird ideas that Madara keeps spouting too. Itachi, you're no longer allowed to let Sasuke into your room either. This is getting ridiculous. That kid will never grow up if you're always babying him. You'll understand when you get older.'_

_'What does Sasuke have to do with any of this?' Little Itachi asks as the cloud surrounding him keeps growing. I feel another wave of pain hit me, and I still can't figure out where it's coming from._

_'Because you're getting too close to him and knowing that you're so close to Madara as well doesn't give me a good vibe about it.'_

_'My brother did nothing wrong.'_

_'Nothing wrong except for being completely sick in the head. Why don't you shut up when I'm talking to my son?'_

_'Fugaku, this is not what we agreed upon!'_

_I suddenly see father slapping our mother in front of Little Itachi, and the black cloud envelops me as well. My head hurts so much that it's going to pop. I WANT OUT. I WANT OUT. I CAN'T TAKE THIS PAIN._

_'Stop that! Not in front of Ita-'_

_'Then don't interfere with me. Now, Itachi, I expect you to comply immediately. No more fooling around with your brother. That shit's nasty.'_

_'He gets scared. I have to protect him if he's scared.' Itachi says in the smallest voice possible. It doesn't match the huge cloud of pain surrounding him at all._

_'So what? He'll have to learn to take it like a man. Don't forget I'm the one who decides here. You're dismissed. I have to talk to your mom now.'_

_'You mean yell at her?' Itachi interjects._

_'Don't talk back at me, ITACHI.' The cloud is almost touching our father._

_'WHAT DO YOU KNOW, FATHER? WHAT DO EITHER OF YOU KNOW ABOUT HOW MUCH HE CAN CRY WHEN HE'S IGNORED?' The whole room becomes black. Itachi's eyes suddenly turn red, and I can see our father looking at him shocked, and our mom scared. 'Look me in the eyes! Did you ever pay attention to him? Did you ever notice he existed?' Both mom and dad look Itachi in the eyes, and they suddenly drop to the ground. The black cloud gathers inside them, and the room is red again. Now they're just two black bodies on the ground._

_I see a little version of myself entering the room, and then crying at the sight of the bodies. I see myself holding onto Itachi. I see him holding me as he tries to make sense of what happened. I hear his kid voice telling me to call Madara._

_But the pain is too much to stand. The eyes in the wall open again, and Itachi's adult voice tells me: "_ The pain you feel is the pain I feel every day since that night."

_The eyes on the wall suddenly start to cry._

"Those red eyes only express emotion on the inside. I'm never insensitive. Please believe me."

_The tears fill up the room and now I'm drowning in both water and pain. Stop. Itachi, stop. I don't want all this pain. You said you were protecting me. YOU SAID YOU WERE PROTECTING ME. It hurts too much..._

"I did not tell you because I knew how much it would hurt you."

_PLEASE_

_PLEASE_

_STOP_

_"Itachi, STOP RIGHT NOW."_

I open my eyes and the world looks normal again, but Itachi is no longer in front of me. It's thundering like crazy outside, and my first reaction is to run and find some shelter. But when I try to take a step, I touch something soft with my foot. Looking down I see Itachi, on the ground, with a thunderstruck pattern burnt into his skin. He's not breathing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that was a tour de force. As I promised, it's a longer chapter. Because I got lots of positive reviews, I did my best to write it as fast as possible. So please review with impressions/opinions- the more feedback I get, the clearer the story is in my mind- and thus the faster the updates. Hope you enjoyed~


	11. Paint It Black

 

Sasuke can be a really sneaky little shit, but there are times when you can easily read on his face whether something's wrong or not. Unlike Itachi, who doesn't show his emotions unless he wants to, Sasuke often fails to suppress them. Which is good, because I don't always have the patience to ask him if something's wrong and then try to pick up hints for hours on end until I can finally figure out what happened. No. With Sasuke, it's easy to figure out when he's in shit.

But Sasuke seemed completely fine this morning, while Itachi didn't. And that, right there, was enough to make me worry about what was going to happen once they left the house. I know Itachi didn't want me to interfere, and I respected that. But there's no way he knows what he's doing, since I didn't know either and I'm his only source of information.

Itachi is difficult to talk to. Not in the sense that he doesn't listen, but in the sense that you never know whether your words had an effect on him or not. He never gives the slightest hint as to whether he's been convinced or not. I had told him the story about Izuna many years ago, and yet I only recently found out that he didn't believe a thing. He's so observant, and yet so silent about his observations. He's a great person to know- but a nightmare to parent.

I was waiting for him to call me. Any moment. Tell me what I was afraid to hear. That Sasuke got hurt and he's in a coma. That I have to help him fix the same mistake that I had done. The same mistake that I had been unable to fix, rather. But the call didn't come. And I waited. And I waited. And I waited. Until 2pm.

My phone rang, and I was shocked to see Sasuke's number on the screen. Did Itachi forget his?

I answered and waited to hear a voice. I waited for Itachi's voice to say what I thought it would say. I could almost imagine Itachi's composed mask falling as he told me, _'You were right, Madara'._

_'I know I was right, Itachi. You fucking idiot. Is he alive?'_

But that was not by far what I heard. Instead, Sasuke's sobbing voice came out. I could not understand what he was saying; he yelled, and then he whispered, and then he yelled again. He sounded like he was 8 again, wailing about how he's been abandoned by both his parents and Itachi. Only, he was even more desperate now.

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND! MADARA, what happened? Wha'did I do? Wha'did I do t'him? MADARA I'M A MURDERER. Madara, please save 'im. He said you know 'bout... ABOUT THIS. SAVE 'IM. Please, please save 'im. Wha' do I do? He's dyin', he's dyin' right in fronta my eyes!"

I had never heard Sasuke _sob_ before. Cry, yes. But never sob so desperately. Never speak so fast. It wasn't like him.

"Calm down and tell me what happened, Sasuke."

"YOU KNOW WHA' HAPPENED! I killed 'im! He said I had da powers too. I didn't wanna do it! Just come save him, come right now, no matter what, come right now, to the old house."

He hung up on me before I had the chance to say anything. Itachi... what happened to you?

I picked up the phone again and dialed the only person who could've helped in this situation faster than I could: Hashirama.

_"Senju at your service~"_

"It's me. Are you at the dojo?"

 _"Indeed I am. What's up?"_ His cheerful voice was in complete antithesis with what I was about to tell him.

"I need your help. Sasuke and Itachi must be somewhere in front of the house, and I need you to go check on them before I can get there. Something happened to Itachi, and Sasuke isn't much better himself. Go check on them. Call an ambulance if needed. And if you can, try to calm Sasuke down..."

_"Jesus, Madara, your people are trying to kill each other again?"_

"No time for stupid jokes, Hashi. Just go there and I'll owe you one."

 _"No worries, I'm on my way."_ Once again, I had to try hard to convince myself he was smarter than he sounded. I know he's competent. At times, he's even more competent than I am. Yet... these are Uchiha matters. I can only hope he's versatile enough to handle this. I owe him one again.

* * *

7pm.

5 hours of painful waiting.

5 hours of sitting in the same chair, next to Hashirama, while I try to ignore the sounds coming from the hospital bathroom. The sound of constant gagging and crying. The sound of a person throwing up saliva, because all the food is already gone.

I'm not sure why _he_ didn't leave me too. The good samaritan Senju blood... Or maybe it's just Hashirama.

2 hours ago, we were told that there was no telling what was going to happen.

_Direct strike. Cardiac arrest. Paralysis. Possible brain damage. Artificial breathing. Possible death._

_Don't worry, you know he can survive it. Izuna survived it._

"Madara, stop glaring at the ground. Why don't you go check on Sasuke?" Hashirama whispers next to me, afraid that Sasuke might hear him.

"He's still throwing up in there. What do you want me to do, bring him a hair clip?"

"No, but maybe try to talk to him? This is why you don't have children, you have the emotions of a stone." Says the guy who has no children of his own either. The hypocrisy...

"Sorry, Mr. Dad Role Model. I don't feel like arguing with you on this stupid subject right now. In case you didn't notice, my _other_ nephew could die any moment now. You think you can lecture me a little later?"

"I was _juuust saying_." He looks at me apologetically and then gets up to talk to the nurses again. At least I don't have to do it. Another apologetic head shake. I hate this guy sometimes. I hate how he always saves me in ways that I can't save myself, doing all those embarrassing things like bowing down to people. Now we wait some more.

7:30pm.

Sasuke gets out of the bathroom and collapses into one of the chairs. He wants to see Itachi. I see his pale face and the dark circles under his eyes and I think that's the last thing he should be doing. Looking at his brother again, reliving his mistake. I've been there before, and it didn't help me at all.

He didn't try to discuss what Itachi had told him, nor what actually caused the thunder. It's been obvious to both Itachi and I that he had the sharingan, so it's not a mystery. But why is he not curious about it? Is the shock holding him back?Why would he not want to discuss it, at least so he could understand why he did what he did?

At 8pm, Hashirama leaves.

Sasuke is still in his chair, smelling and looking like death. His lips are dry, and he keeps licking them.

9pm.

10pm.

At almost 11, I try to drag him back home. But just as I was done convincing him, a nurse comes to us and tells us we can go see him. No talking, just to see him. Or what's left of him.

* * *

Itachi looks neither dead nor alive. To me, at least, he looks like a roughed up plastic doll version of himself. His hair had been left untied, and was now resting on his shoulders, partly covering his chest. It was a very unfortunate display, really. Even if the hair still looked shiny and alive, it didn't match his current face at all. If anything, it was just a grim reminder of what his normal self was like- not _this_.

Sasuke sat down on the stool next to the bed without saying a word. It was Itachi who opened his eyes and started talking first.

"How are you, otouto?" he asked while looking in my direction. His voice was faint and had no vitality in it, but how could I really expect vitality from a moribund?

"Better than you." came the answer, and I think Itachi would've smiled at that if he had the power to.

"Where are you?" Itachi asked as he tried to move his head towards the spot where Sasuke's voice came from. Did he think he was looking at Sasuke till now?

"Next to you?" Confusion. Worry. Surprise.

"I don't know if they told you, but I can't see much right now. Only moving shadows."

_Like Izuna..._

"Jeez..." Sasuke grabs Itachi's hand and rests his face against it. He doesn't have any more tears to cry it seems.

"You were right. I messed up." That one was for me, but it didn't make me feel any better. "But at least it was me."

"Don't be a moron. How is _this_ any better?" He just attempted a smile.

I know. I know what he means, and I don't agree. I keep looking at the two of them and I know for sure that if the roles were reversed, I'd be just as shaken up. It's an achievement for him, maybe. Telling the truth without hurting Sasuke physically at least. But it's not for me.

"They say I won't be able to move for a while. And my lungs are compromised." he announces me with that same straight face. "I'm sorry I've become a burden for you."

Sasuke gets up and leaves the room. I hear him gagging on his way out, and I assume he's going to throw up again. That leaves me alone with Itachi. Knowing that he can't see me, I take the liberty to stare at him as much as I please. He still looks awful. He reminds me of Izuna, and that makes it even more painful.

"I'm sorry you have to go through this again."

Everything he told me after that was just a jumble of soft spoken words. Sometimes he was so silent I didn't catch what he was saying. He told me to move some hair out of his face, and I did. He said he went to the old house because he knew Hashirama would be there, at the weapon shop. He was happy.

_He was happy._

"I think it might take me a while to recover." he said, with a sigh. "Sasuke said he doesn't want to see me anymore."

"He was lying. He threw up the entire time while you were unconscious. He's been worried sick too."

"Yes... but he does not wish to see me. I lied to him, and this is my punishment." he was serious. Way too serious for someone who managed to survive. "You know what this means, right?"

"I don't, actually."

"Will you listen to my... last wish?" His eyes opened wider, although I'm not sure if that helped him see anything. Why does it have to be a last wish?

"What is it?"

"I want to go to that place too. The place where you two can forget about me without feeling guilty. If it worked for you, it should work for Sasuke too."

No... _Why?_

"Why on earth do you want to go there? Do you want to live and be treated like a vegetable for the rest of your life?"

A useless vegetable in a hospital that keeps its patients for life... What kind of wish is that?

"Is that not what I am, though?" Itachi sighs again and closes his eyes. "I will continue to atone for my sins in a place where I can't hurt or bother anyone... And besides, I want to meet _him_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the huge delay. To be honest, I was just plain reluctant to write this chapter, because I've been busy writing the NEXT one, which is a personal favorite. It's still under construction though, so please review with reactions/impressions/suggestions so I can make the next one even better. It's always great to see what readers think.


	12. Comfortably Numb

Sasuke never came back to see me at the hospital. Madara claimed that he was acting completely normal otherwise, like he did before I came back to live with them. He told Madara that I was going to die soon and he didn't want to be there to see the last member of his family die. Madara, of course, didn't do anything to change his mind. He tried to change mine multiple times though. He kept saying how I was not a vegetable and I should not act like one. All my problems were reversible. Why bother with a sanatorium? " _Just come home and try to live as long as you can. Try not to drown in your own blood. It can't be that hard._ "

A week later though, he caved in. The hospital bill was going to be too large if he didn't move me. It was too early to return to a normal life though. He said he'd only keep in the sanatorium for a month so I can recover. " _You cannot stay there. Your brain will rot._ "

" _How do you know that? Have you ever gone there?_ "

" _I have. And that's why I decided never to go back._ "

And yet he ended up accepting to let me go there as long as I was going to return after I was "better". I wonder if it will take as long as "recovering after your parents' death". Will I have to beg him to let me come back? Will I have to beg Sasuke for forgiveness? They both seem to detach themselves from the situation as much as possible.

But I ended up where I wanted to, although not everything was what I wanted it to be.

Izuna wasn't in the common room where I was placed. Nurses were swarming around me day and night, making sure that I wasn't dying or experiencing any pain. Looking at all their blisters and shoe sores and large dark circles under their eyes, I sometimes thought that they were in more pain than I was. But nobody cares how much pain you're in unless you're dying or someone's paying them to care.

And Madara doesn't mind paying, as long as he can also buy himself a little peace of mind.

For a week I just stayed in the common salon. I couldn't walk, couldn't see, couldn't sleep because of the constant coughing. The walking is probably the only thing that will completely recover. I've been told that I'll be able to regain my sight, but I'll be limited to 80-year old vision. It's better than none. Lungs, fairly compromised. They could kill me any day. At any given moment I might choke on my own blood and suffocate.

All that, combined with Madara's generous checks to the clinic, insures me 24-hour surveillance. A nurse stands up every time I cough. Two more watch me carefully the entire time. I am by far the attraction of the sanatorium. If I hadn't been used to that sort of treatment already, it would've bothered me.

One day, a nurse strikes me as familiar. I cannot figure out why. But I realize it immediately once my doctor comes in. She was said to never visit patients, because she makes better decisions when she doesn't see them in a miserable state. But something changed her mind, and I'm thinking it was my name, and maybe some curiosity.

"Itachi. Long time no see."

She's of average height, but that's the only average thing about her. The superior and sarcastic smile brings back memories.

"Tsunade. It's unfortunate this is where we meet after all this time."

"Eh? Madara told me it was your own damn fault that you're here. He even told me I should deny your request to come here."

"He is like that. What convinced you otherwise?" She sits down on the stool beside my bed and starts looking through a file with my name on it.

"My uncle did. You know they're very close. Uncle Hashirama always had a mild obsession with making sure _your_ uncle doesn't do stupid shit. You're 18, right?" I nod. "Then you're old enough to know some things. Only Madara, Hashirama, and I know about Madara's brother being here. But even if Madara refuses to say what got his brother in that state, I can see that you've got some very similar symptoms. But he wasn't struck by thunder, I know that for sure. What's happening to you people?"

I already know all that. I know way more than that. I tune out for a moment, and she immediately smacks me with the file she was looking through.

"I know Madara says you're a prodigy child and all, but that ain't worth shit here and it won't help keep you alive. So why don't you listen to what I have to say?" Her oversized boobs are right in front of my face as she's saying all this, and the situation suddenly seems comical to me. I wonder if Sasuke would've grabbed them.

"Where is Madara's brother?" I ask, ignoring all the warnings she's ranting at me.

"He's got his own separate room, and no one is allowed to visit him. So give up on that thought."

"How dull." Madara... protecting yourself any way you can, as always.

* * *

I found Izuna's room, or should I say cell, soon after being told not to bother trying. I found out about it before even leaving my bed. I did not feel like doing the necessary leg work, and people are all too happy to gossip. Old people with nothing better to do than spread rumors, little kids who like to cause trouble by talking too much, they're all quite easy victims. Izuna was in room 301. The last floor, first room on the left.

Izuna was quite the character, and a lot of the recent patients considered him somewhat of a ghost patient, seeing as none of them had ever seen him in person. Only an old man in the room next to mine had seen him personally, 16 years ago. Back when he was still alive and very much outraged at what was happening to him. Izuna had even tried to pluck out his eyes in order to get Madara to come and see him, but his attempt had failed, leaving him simply with completely white eyeballs. For this reason, he became known as the ghost of the sanatorium, despite not being a scary presence at all. For the past 14 years though, he never left his room.

Two days after gathering enough information about his location and reputation in the hospital, I wanted to see him for myself. I was certain that although those people spent more time under the same roof as him, I knew him better. Because I knew what Madara knew about him, and I knew what had happened to him, and the end result was just a question of adding things together.

It was a Tuesday when I went to meet him. I didn't knock on the door, because I wasn't particularly interested in whether he wanted to see me or not. He did not seem startled though. He was facing a window, and didn't look in my direction when I came in. I could only see the back of his head, with a thick ponytail covering his back. There was a small food tray sitting on his bed, behind him. He looked slim. Slimmer than me, and yet not emaciated.

"You can take the tray. I'm not hungry today."

His voice sounds similar to Madara's, although not that thick. He never looks in my direction, so I simply move towards the food tray and look at what he's eaten. A few apple slices.

"If you don't mind, I _am_ hungry. May I help myself to that dango stick?"

This time, he looks back at me. After staring in my direction for a second, he raises an eyebrow and asks me, "And who are you supposed to be?"

"I'm Itachi." No reaction. "Itachi Uchiha. I'm-"

"You're Mikoto's kid?"

"Yes. That's me. You remember."

"Memories is all I got here." He looks out the window, although now I'm sure that he doesn't see anything. "Is this really how it's gonna be..." he almost whispers to himself, and then to me: "What the hell are you doing here? I didn't know Mikoto was aware of my location. Or anyone other than Madara." Quiet indignation, and a bit of anger.

"Madara brought me here. My mother isn't alive anymore."

"What?" We both stayed silent for a while. He never asked about my mother again. "Why did Madara bring you here?"

"Because I killed my parents with the eyes and then triggered my own brother into putting me in a coma with his newly awakened eyes. And I asked nicely to meet you. Madara is too scared to do it himself." Izuna smiled and looked at the door, thinking I was still there.

"The skeletons must stay in the closet... Why did you want to see me?"

"Curiosity."

For the first time, he stands up and walks towards me with great precision. He puts a hand on my shoulder, then raises it to my face.

"I don't remember how old you're supposed to be."

"I'm 18."

"Like Mada was."

"Heh. We made the same mistake at the same age." I had just noticed that though. It is not exactly something to be proud of.

"How much did he tell you about me?"

"Everything."

"I don't believe that."

"I can't do anything about that."

Nothing more was said after that. Izuna was an interesting man with very interesting reactions. After 16 years of being in room all by himself, blind and unentertained, he wasn't even shocked to meet me. But I wonder, is this because the life he lives here already doesn't make sense to begin with?

I ate a bit of the food on his tray and asked him if I could come the next day to talk to him about Madara and our strange abilities. He said he didn't understand what I was after, trying to talk to a man who had no present and a past I already knew about. But one thing I can't learn from Madara is his side of the story, and what he's been through since then. Because if worse comes to worst, we might just share the same fate, to be buried by the ones who hurt us. In this case though, I deserve it more.

* * *

A month had passed since our conversation. I continued visiting him every day, once I knew there were no nurses around. I asked Tsunade to let me call Madara, but she said I was not allowed to. _Not allowed to_. By whom exactly? It was a disappointing thought to pin it on Madara, but there was hardly anyone else capable of giving that order. While waiting to hear from him, I just talked to people around me, and with Izuna in the evening.

Most of the days, Izuna avoided talking to me too much. When we first talked, he was evasive. That's how most of his answers are, bitter and evasive. But when he feels like talking to me, he does it in the same odd manner in which he does everything. I can read people and I can read what lies beyond some of their words, but I can't figure the man standing in front of me out. Is he detached from reality because he is stuck in the past? Is he bitter because he thinks he had been wronged? Does he loathe the inevitable power that landed him into this sanatorium? I must admit though, these are questions I should be asking myself as well. I condemn him for being so capricious and scarce with his words, but I would be the same if given his position. I'm not sure if I should try to figure him out or conserve my energy and instead use it to figure out how to leave this place as soon as I can. I know Madara. I know Sasuke. They're so similar sometimes. They would both keep me here until I die or lose my memory somehow. Because they feel guilty.

My room's as white as usual. In the morning, the light makes the white of the walls blinding.

"I can only assume that he was afraid, don't you think? But I am still disappointed. How does one explain to oneself the reason for being left behind? How, when the reason is so foolish? I want my youth back, Itachi. Maybe for the mere reason that I could act on my frustration if I were young again."

"If people heard you talk like that, they'd laugh at you. You're still young." Izuna opens his eyes and the corners of his mouth twitch upwards. Madara considered him immature… wasn't it the fear inside him speaking?

"I'm old enough for you to call me an ossan."

"You're not 40 yet."

"What's a couple years here and there? You have a talent of twisting my words."

"So does Sasuke to me." I thought, laughing to myself. Izuna reminded me of Sasuke somewhat, except he was a lot more reasonable. A lot more restrained. Was it age?

"Who's Sasuke?"

"My younger brother. He was born after you were put in here. I think we all twist each other's words in this family."

"I don't know about the family, but it applies to you and Mada. I'm just family waste, I don't fit the pattern because my head is messed up."

"Aren't we all messed up?"

"No. You didn't want to fuck your brother as a coping mechanism. What's worse, I even wanted it after he had hurt me more than anyone. I _am_ messed up, and I'm too old to fight it now. I'm never going to leave this place, so I have accepted that sinful part of me."

_So we are all messed up, because I want the same._

If this were Sasuke, he'd keep arguing. He'd probably make Izuna change his opinion of himself. I can only laugh it off and shrug. I sometimes feel like I'm the only one who could possibly understand Izuna. Other times, I feel like there's no one who can understand him now. Maybe that's why he's here, silently wandering with closed eyes. I can understand why he's given up. I can't understand what drove him to be like this. Madara's Izuna was a buffoon. Madara's Izuna would have gone crazy. This Izuna is too lucid to fit the image Madara has of him.

"I'm glad I met you." He looks at me and laughs at my statement. "I mean it. You didn't disappoint me at all. I don't know what exactly I expected, but I'm not disappointed at all."

"Cocky kid. Mada would be proud of you."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please forgive me for not updating this year so far... School is hectic, I'm getting my degree in a month, so I'm working like a slave. This is a longer chapter, but probably not longer than the next one, since the next one has to do with Sasuke and Madara and they're avoidant little babies. Anyways, please tell me how you like this chapter, reviews are all that motivate me to write even when life is trying to fuck me.
> 
> -Ioio


	13. Irresponsible Hate

If I happen to leave Sasuke out of my sight, he'll find a way to disappear. He's developed an aversion for the house, and especially for the ground floor of it. It doesn't help that we share that aversion, and I cannot yell at him for something I do myself. I would do it-but I'm afraid Itachi will never fail to remind me of my hypocrisy if he happens to find out. Every single word he's said to me already haunts me at night, and I'm not a masochist. I find it incredible, however, how his presence can be so strong in this house. Despite the fact he didn't spend a lot of time here, and despite the fact he may never return. Itachi is the elephant in the room, and I can feel his burning, reproaching eyes on me even now.

Times like these make me realize that I am not a good parent. I was never meant to be one, but it was thrust upon me. I had to be a parent for Izu, Itachi, and Sasuke, and I messed up each and every single time. My best intentions and hardest efforts end up being my biggest failures. And yet, Mikoto, with an abusive husband and a doormat personality, managed to raise her boys to love each other. She raised two prodigies. Our parents, despite all the terror and the insecurities, managed to raise Izu and I to take fate into our own hands. But when I was responsible for them, I damaged them all beyond repair. Only Sasuke is left, and he is not exactly eager to talk to me.

No, he even trashed my old room, because he was angry, and he's a baby, and he doesn't know how to control any of his strong emotions. Hell, this kid never even had strong emotions ever since my sister's death. What would he know, compared to Itachi… He blames Itachi and I for everything, maybe rightfully so. But who suffered more? Is it not possible for the aggressor to resent their crime and their very being more than the victim? Do parents not hate themselves for not doing the best for their children, even if the children themselves do not see all the opportunities they've been deprived of?

I have a feeling that only Itachi could handle Sasuke at this point. He is all that Sasuke has left after all, and Sasuke already threw caution to the wind and gave in to his desires. He looked at Itachi the way Izu looked at me, waiting for salvation. _And getting hell in return._

_Itachi…_

But Sasuke doesn't even want to hear his name, so what's the point of trying to bring it up.

No, it doesn't make any sense that he should stay there too. I do not want to keep him there, and yet I see no other solution.

But what good could my stream of consciousness do to him? If he doesn't want to force anything to happen? Force Sasuke to accept him and this truth about us?

Every now and then I will try to talk to Sasuke, but I cannot convince him to stop hating me and listen to what I have to say. He will explode in my face and accuse me of things that were beyond my control just because I handled the things that _were_ in my control wrong. But until Sasuke is able to talk to me without throwing his overgeneralizations at me, I am not willing to bring Itachi back just to see our relationships deteriorate further.

* * *

Having said that, I do not know how long I should wait. A month passed and I managed to get Sasuke to look me in the eye (with hatred, but still). Every week he seems to open up more, but all he's spouting is anger. He went from refusing to eat my food to throwing it in the trash to eating half and spitting on the rest. He has gotten more and more childish, although I sometimes see him thinking more deeply than usual. I'm not sure what to make of his behavior.

_There is never a good time for anything..._

It's been over two months since Itachi's been hospitalized. His wounds healed but Sasuke's seem to show no signs of healing. Today in particular, he seems to be more argumentative than ever. It is Mikoto's birthday, and yet he'll ignore anything I say about her. He refused to join me for a cemetery visit. But the way he exploded in my face was so typical that it's starting to hurt.

_And there is never anything I can do for the ones I hurt..._

"Do you want to leave a message to Mikoto for you?"

"What fucking difference would it make"

"Well, excuse me. Would you like to come with me and tell her directly then?"

"..." All I heard was a mutter, probably a combination between 'no' and 'fuck'

"What _would_ you like then?"

"WHAT I WANT IS FOR YOU TO GO TO HELL. GO TO FUCKING HELL, MADARA!"

And there we go again...

"What is your _problem_ , Sasuke? Calm down and let's talk like adults, since you'll yell at me even more if I say that you're acting like a baby."

He didn't answer. He stomped his feet and tried to leave the kitchen. I posted myself in the doorway. He can't keep doing this forever.

"If only you'd listen to me, I think we'd get along a lot better. How about being reasonable for once? You should take your brother's example every now and then. He rarely agrees with me but he's mature enough to listen."

"I don't need to listen to any of your shit! You're the one who ruined everything for all of us! You're the one who started putting ideas in Itachi's brain that he can kill people and all! Just like you probably killed your brother, since it's such a TABOO subject around here. Is that right? He's dead in that sanatorium isn't that right? Is that-"

_Where did that even come from?_

"Sasuke, leave my brother out of-"

"No, YOU DID IT. You killed him and it wasn't enough. You told Itachi to do the same, right? You wanted to not be alone in your sins. You thought Itachi was better than you and you wanted him to guide you to the solution, you fucking moron. You're always thinking only of yourself and your mistakes!"

He threw his ipod on the kitchen table and took two deep breaths, attempting to calm himself down. The kitchen lights were out. The bulb exploded the moment he said I did it.

"No. NO. Why do I have to calm down? Why do I have to accept this? Why the hell do we all suffer just to make _you_ feel better, Madara? Why does your brother have to suffer because you're a coward? Why do Itachi and I have to suffer because you couldn't tell the truth 7 years ago and now it grew so big that it exploded in our faces?

I can't be like Itachi! I'm not a smooth talker. I know you hate me for it and I hate that I give a shit about your hurt feelings but _WHY do you have to be such a DICK if you can't even grow the BALLS to face your mistakes?_ "

"Despite your crude sexual innuendos brought forth by your own frustrations, I think even _you_ know that things are not that simple. It's not that I'm a coward, even though it might as well be true. But have you thought of what would happen if I wasn't?"

"The fuck do you mean?" His defiant gaze was burning holes in my head.

I sigh. I don't want to tell him about Izuna and I. I do not want to have him force my hand in such delicate matters.

"What if they were both back? How do you think that would play out?" I do not want to imagine it. I do not think Sasuke can even begin to imagine it.

"Your brother would be happy and Itachi and I would try to talk it out maybe."

"Talk it out? You throw a hissy fit when I merely mention his name. You snapped at him daily while he was here. Are you that oblivious to your incompatibilities?"

"That's not YOUR problem. I just need time to get used to it."

"And here's where you're wrong. I thought I needed time too. I was going to wait until we were both ready. And that time never came. There is never a good time for anything. Not a good time for Itachi to come back, and not a good time for me to reconcile with my brother."

"I'm not a coward like you so it won't take me forever." His confidence may be endearing, but the contempt in his voice is not. Sasuke's concept of human emotions seems to come down to whether one has the courage to act on their feelings or not.

"You think I would've been able to cover up for Itachi and raise you two if I was just a spineless coward?" I know I'm asking a question he can not understand. I know I should be more mature, but at the same time I feel like being condescending back will not advance our situation at all.

"Why not? Nobody says only good parents can raise children. Hell, most of them suck."

The last remark stings more than any of his accuses. You'd think that if you survive hell parents, you'll know not to be like them.

"Here's the deal. I do not want Itachi to be like me. I know he is better, and I want him to have the possibility to explain himself to you. But he's not coming back here until you learn to stop projecting your anger on me and you prove to me that you are more than an impulsive _child_. You're the one who hurt Itachi more than I ever could, and I care too much about both of you to let you destroy each other in the throes of passion just because you live under the impression you're so much more mature than everyone else."

"Fuck you and your deals. Was that the deal with Itachi too? He was stupid to trust you, I swear."

I wish this was not my daily reality. I wish I didn't have to see Sasuke cry out of frustration, too scared to accept his brother and too scared to seek comfort in me either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I know it's been a year. I felt guilty for not having time to update every time I saw a new review or follow, but I guess in the end they motivated me to do this. There will be another chapter following soon (I wrote 3/4 of it, so I can guarantee that much), but aside from that...I'll have to see how many people are still interested in this. Next chapter is Itachi's POV again and a lot more action, things moving towards a resolution, etc. This chapter is just to showcase that Sasuke and Madara are not just selfish cowards, and they're dealing with their own demons. Thank you for reading and being so kind in your reviews.
> 
> -Ioio


	14. Freak on a Leash

-Itachi-

Over the following weeks, I kept discussing with Izuna about our potential return. He was as evasive and reluctant to discuss the subject as he was when I first told him who I was. He tried to explain to me that his ambivalence towards Madara would only bring more misery. On the one hand, he hated Madara for being unfair. On the other hand, he was afraid that he never got over his love for him either. What if the resulting passion would hurt them both?

What if Izuna ended up wanting Madara back, but his resentment made him want to hurt his brother? What if the resulting sadomasochism was psychologically destructive for both? And between a man who managed to reconstruct his life by turning his emotions off and a man who only had his memories and pitch darkness for the past decade and a half of his life, was it not obvious who would suffer more?

He asked me numerous times why I was so interested in making him meet Madara again after so many years, but I avoided answering so he wouldn't feel like I was patronizing him. Although in my mind it was clear that the consequences were not worth dwelling over, I knew I was the only one who saw things that way.

I alone spent 7 years of my life thinking of how to get back. Izuna's isolation was not his own decision, so for him the betrayal hurt more than the loneliness. For Madara and Sasuke, misery had company and they feel less of that pain because they had each other to make fun of. But I have always been alone in my guilt and repenting, and despite the pain that came from facing Sasuke again, I felt alive again.

I want Izuna to feel alive again. Live humans get hurt again and again, and that's probably why he's afraid of having to live again. But even in my mind, I sound patronizing and condescending if I try to explain his feelings in such simple terms.

I do not want him to resent me too. So when he repeatedly told me that I wouldn't understand his relationship with Madara, I eventually couldn't keep silent anymore.

"I do actually know what you mean. I've felt the same desire, although mine came from longing, not as a coping mechanism."

When I said that, he stared in my direction with wide eyes. It was strange to look at a blind man opening his eyes in surprise. He was as confused by me as I was confused by him.

"What do you mean you know? You've wanted your brother _intimately?"_

"I have. I let him fuck me in the past against my will because of it too."

"Against your will? Itachi, you're in denial then."

I have wondered about that myself, but it doesn't seem right. No, not quite. I'm not denying, I'm just saddened that my wish came true.

"I desire him, but I did not want him to feel the same thing I did. I let him do it because I thought it was the only way to atone for all the time I was gone and secretly lusting after him."

"Atonement, huh."

That moment, Izuna actually slipped a tear- a thing I never thought I'd see him do. He took his hair tie off and covered his face behind the hair. His shoulders were hunched over and despite all the covering, I could still see his eyes closed, with tears flowing out of them. I didn't want to ask him why he was crying, because he might have wanted to keep that to himself. No matter what it was exactly, he was not obligated to share it with me, a ghost nephew he had nothing to do with. Still, I wanted to know, because I felt like admitting it to himself and then to me was a step forward to healing.

I had been through a lot of pain during and after my parents' death, and yet I was sure it could not compare to the amount of pain Izuna had gone through when he was abused by his parents and after seeing them dead. Eventually, though, he talked.

"I never asked him… Do you think that's why I'm here, Itachi? I'm selfish and I used my pain to make him love me and fuck me and I never once asked him if that was what he wanted, even if I loved him more than anything… Do you think he hates me because I hurt him?" The last part was whispered, and I had to get closer to him to hear it. "I'm not OLD. Goddamnit I'm not OLD. I didn't live enough to make me old. I don't have anything. I'm a newborn of a human, and I still want him so much. Even if I got out of here, I'd just live in his shadow and love him for the rest of my life. Why do I have to be so old?..."

"I'm sure Madara would not see you as old. You're still younger than him, and always will be." Not that it could make you feel any better…

Izuna gives me a sad laugh and keeps clenching his hair in his fists.

* * *

One thing I did notice from our conversations was how much Izuna would say my name. Even when he didn't want anything, he'd say my name and repeat it until I answered him. When I asked him why he liked saying my name so much, he snickered at me and thought for a second.

"I don't know what Mikoto was thinking when naming you weasel, but I'm simply saying it because I haven't called someone by their name in 16 years. It feels comforting to know that if I call your name, you're going to answer me."

"Unlike Madara."

"Itachi…"

"I apologize. Should I call you by your name too?"

"Don't call me Izuna." His face is suddenly a lot more dejected and serious. "I can't say I was ever given a reason to like my own name."

I want to raise my eyebrows, but then I realize he couldn't see me, so I asked "Why is that?"

"Most people who called me that made my life hell. Mikoto used to call me that too, but that was back when I didn't have a reason to hate it yet."

"Do you want me to keep calling you 'you'?"

Izuna sighs and tilts his head back until it hits the wall behind him. "Call me Zu, if you don't mind it too much. Please."

_He would always say please even when it wasn't needed, even when he was the one in pain, even when doing me a favor._

"You said please." This time, it was him who raised his eyebrow at me. "It's nothing. I just found it strange, for such a small request. Of course I don't mind."

"It's strange? I suppose it's a habit. Please forgive me."

_He would always say please, even when he was the one in pain…_

"Did Madara call you Zu?"

"When we were children. When we grew up he called me Izu. But every now and then it would slip and it always made me laugh. Even hearing you say it is funny to me. It's a privilege I didn't think I'd have again."

And indeed, he was laughing at me.

"Wouldn't you like to hear him say it again?" I prodded.

"Itachi... I am not welcome in his life. I am not worth even a letter. I will not allow myself to long for his terms of endearment when I know fully well what he's done."

"I think he would very much like to see you. He has told me that himself. If I bring you back, he would welcome you. Even if the shame and regret would kill him."

"I do not want to run away from here and seek shelter with Madara like a dog. Pride is all I have left in my life, aside from memories."

"We wouldn't be running. We'd be walking out the front door. I'm not a criminal to be running away."

In all honesty, running was never a plan of mine. There would be no need for it. Of course, Tsunade would have to be persuaded. But considering how curious she was as to why we are both here, I believe I know what her price would be. My thoughts were interrupted by a surprising remark from Izuna.

"How do you know Madara is willing to face me, Itachi?" His tone was careful and inquisitive.

"When I asked him to be put in here, he asked me if I was ever going to come back. I told him that I would only come back if you came with me, and he said I might be here forever then. But he also said he wanted me to return, without arguing about my request." Izuna laughed at my last sentence.

" _Fine words and an insinuating appearance are seldom associated with true virtue_ , said The Master. I do not have faith in Madara's carefully crafted words. I'm also wretched, childish, and full of shit- but I'm honest about it. And that's why I hate him. Not because he intentionally forgot about me."

"What do you mean?"

"He is childish. He is a liar. If he wanted me back he wouldn't have waited 16 years. He wouldn't have waited for you to come and save me. You're not my messiah, you were just fooled. I haven't talked to him in 16 years but I refuse to believe he was waiting for so many years for a child to solve his personal problems. If he ever loved me, that is."

* * *

When I felt like Izuna was getting too depressed from our conversations, I'd ask him about other things. I suppose I was curious to see whether he was a full adult or just an overgrown child who's had a lot of time to ponder over his emotions. For someone who complained about having had his life stolen away, he was surprisingly knowledgeable about many subjects. Given his blindness and therefore inability to read, I can't help but wonder where it all came from.

Izuna's knowledge of politics was at once fascinatingly deep, and other times surprisingly clueless. He had no idea who was president, nor did he care. He did not care what Madara had taught us and how I planned to get us out of the sanatiorium. He was certain that everything was pointless, even if it did end up going our way.

"I don't know for sure about now, but back when I lived in the real world out there, there was no such thing as freedom anyway. Our owners are just getting less and less obvious. You can't point your finger at the guy in power though. He's powerless too. He's just a puppet for our real owners. But maybe I'm just an old lunatic and the world really is getting better, not that it makes any difference to me."

Izuna was always certain that he was just a freak on a leash, and he was scared that if he ever broke free, he'd either realize just how dysfunctional the world was, or he'd realize that he broke out of the leash just to find himself in a cage.

I spent another full month trying to talk him into joining me to the outside world, without much success. He would almost seem convinced, and then the next day he'd be stubborn again. He'd have long monologues about how he needs the safety of not having a future because he never had the chance to develop any life skills.

He'd spend hours explaining to me that he is mentally weak and has no way of fighting his weakness. He'd tell me he lives a worthless existence and cannot bring happiness into anyone's life because he hardly even represents anything anymore.

He'd spend hours trying to get me to leave him alone but he was happy when I came the next day.

I think he spent many more hours by himself, trying to prepare himself mentally for what he knew was inevitable. A change. Any change.

I do not have any proof that Izuna ever trusted me on what I told him about Madara. I do not have any proof that any of it touched him.

The only proof I have of his struggles is a letter I now hold in my hand. Once he gets and answer from Madara, he said, he would decide whether he wants to meet his brother at all and in what conditions.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: As I promised, here is the chapter. I hope this reveals some more stuff about how Itachi and Izuna think-they are very different people. Sasuke, Madara, and Izuna are a lot more alike in their fearfulness and inability to love selflessly, while Itachi is more daring (or shall I say desperate for love) and selfless. Izuna's quote is from the Analects of Confucius, for those who wonder who The Master is. I felt like it was a very fitting way to capture Izuna's impression of his brother and his general fear of being lied to again. As always, I hope you enjoyed it, and if you're so nice, please leave your comments below so I can know if I still have an audience or not.
> 
> -Ioio


	15. Forgive Me This Childish Whim

Time always passes, whether it heals wounds or not. I would like to think of it that way all the time, but it's not always so easy, especially as a parent. When time passes without healing any wounds, the silence just grows deeper and deeper to the point of estrangement. Sasuke and I barely talk to each other anymore. It is as if all ties have been severed among us Uchihas, either by death or by hurt feelings.

I was driving Sasuke to school the other day when I realized that he actually managed to activate his Sharingan again. One of my car lights would not turn on anymore, and he glared at it until it started flickering again. For a moment I wanted to congratulate him, but his face was expressionless. Just like Itachi, his emotions were now locked in a different dimension-one that I was not welcome to join.

I have never outright dreaded this power, although I have no way to explain what it is or why we have it. Mikoto has never told me anything about her having it, so I wonder if it's only passed on to the males. My father did not seem to exhibit it either though. Only Itachi and I had it, and it felt like a genetic farce that did not need more explaining. Itachi and I could both control heat and fire somewhat, and Itachi could make water bubbles float. They seemed like harmless powers. It kept us warm in winter and it looked entertaining to mold water and fire. But ultimately they had no real utility.

 The eyes, however, I have always hated. Maybe I cannot forgive myself for the harm they've caused, or cannot find a reason for why this power exists to begin with. It does not keep us warm or provide any form of entertainment. It does not benefit us in any way, yet it hurts us in more ways than one. It locks away our emotions and makes their physical expression lethal.

 The first time I realized I had this power I had accidentally killed my cousin. We were talking next to a lake, and I decided to confess to him what was really happening to Izuna and I after our father's remarriage. I found it hard to express myself, so I thought that looking him in the eyes might help. I did not know what happened at first when he dropped dead in front of me. I was scared, and I pushed him into the lake. As I watched him sink to the bottom, I noticed blood tears trickling from my eyes. I was not sure what this even meant, but given that I could control fire, maybe this was just another weird power.

 The following day on the news, the police announced that my cousin had had a heart attack while walking around the lake, and the stroke caused him to fall in. That's when I realized that such a death could not be attributed to me. I realized I could save Izuna from our step-mother. I could just get rid of the pain forever, and we never had to go back or face those people ever again.

 I killed the woman instantly, without thinking. My rage towards her was immense. Had I not had to worry about the police, I would have strangled her with my own hands, just to feel her pain even better. But with our step father, I first showed him what I did to his wife. I wanted to see if I had the power to actually show people things. I believe he saw everything I showed him, because blood was pouring out of his eyes too, and yet he was not dead yet. I decided to kill him after making him apologize for what he'd done to Izuna.

 I wish he had died as soon as I showed him everything… I was so stupid. When Izuna wanted to see how I had done it all, I thought he would be okay as long as I just showed him my visions. That worm didn't die when I showed him how I killed his wife after all. But I did not expect to hurt Izuna so badly. I did not expect him to go blind, or have a stroke. I did not expect him to become a vegetable. I felt as if I had saved him just to kill him with my own hands.

 I do not know why Itachi was so certain that Sasuke could withstand the visions. Being able to safely exchange them with me might have been the reason why. And yet, he could not withstand the damage himself.

 Mentally, I think Sasuke is scarred too. He wants his brother back but he is not yet ready to make a step towards making that a reality. Or maybe he's acting like he doesn't care just to spite me. When I suggested that he could write to Itachi, he laughed in my face. He said there was no point in writing a letter to a man who could not read anymore. He knows fully well that Itachi is not completely blind, but he seems to have given up hope. Even since our last argument, he seems to be losing hope more and more. I do not know if he expects to see Itachi again anymore at this point.

* * *

I had worked from home almost the entire time after Sasuke came to live with me. Once Itachi came too, I had not even stepped foot in my office. The business could basically conduct itself without me micromanaging it. But after Sasuke decided to stop talking to me, I started going to work more. It feels bad, because I know I'm doing it out of resignation. But there is nothing else I could do with my time. Driving Sasuke to school is all I ever do. He refuses to eat my cooking, and prefers to make his own sandwiches and omelets and other simple foods that don't require much skill (let's face it, he doesn't have any).

 Hashirama is happy to see me come to work again, but other than that nothing has changed. He has his own family and is no longer available to listen to my every complaint. I am isolated, through and through. 9 to 5, rinse and repeat. I used to do it when I was much younger too, but it has never felt this empty and pointless.

 On some rare days, like today, Sasuke will honor me with his presence at the dinner table, even though he won't even throw me a glance. I feel stupid for waiting for time to heal him, but I know that I can't. Powerlessness is not something I'm used to feeling and I sure don't like it one bit. I know something will eventually change, but it's taking forever to happen.

 How many more nights of staring at Sasuke fail at cooking will I have? How many more nights will I spend glancing at our old room, imagining us as two old men waiting for death to get us together? How many more times will I second guess myself and remind myself that I must respect everyone's wishes?

 Sasuke is fiddling with his iPod while poking his overcooked eggs with the fork. I know he hates them, but he's too proud to eat what I make. He's lost weight, but not to the extent that I have to force feed him yet. He has no issues using my money though- every now and then he'll bring in the mail. At first I thought he was trying to be useful, but I soon found out he'd only bring the mail in when he was expecting something too. Like brand new headphones. Only the 5th pair.

 Today too he brought the mail in, carefully extracting an envelope with a wristband inside from the pile. Absentmindedly, he stared at the other envelopes before throwing them in the middle of the table. I was just about to grab the envelopes when he suddenly screamed at me not to touch them.

 "That's Itachi's handwriting! It's for me!" He ripped one of the envelopes from my hands and forced it open with a nervous curiosity before letting it fall in disappointment. "He wrote it to you probably. He knows I can't read kanji."

 Indeed, it was addressed to me. For a second, I felt so incredibly relieved. I thought this was the sign I had been waiting for all along. But the fact that Itachi wrote to me and not to Sasuke for some reason made me dread the message. It may be good news, but it worries me nonetheless.

 "I'll read it to you if it's anything relevant." I reassured Sasuke, and for once he listened to me. He was looking at me with wide eyes, in anticipation. For the first time in a very long time, he wasn't looking at me with hatred. I could not help it. I grabbed his hand and gave it a good squeeze before reading out loud.

* * *

 

_Madara,_

_I predict that you will be reading this to Sasuke too, so I will try to be as delicate as possible. I have been here long enough, and my health is not getting much better. Tsunade appears to me as stubborn and insufferable in her desire to keep me here on medical grounds. I would appreciate it if you talked to your friend about this, as we are not all pleased with the idea of dying in a sterile place as opposed to dying close to our family._

_Now on to the purpose of this letter. I did come into contact with Izuna…_

 I could not help but stop reading at that point, yet Sasuke did nothing to urge me to go on. I tried to scan the paper and somehow figure out everything before I read it aloud, but I could not. I had to go on.

_I did come into contact with Izuna, and we have become quite close. I think the isolation has made him feel hopeless and cynical, but it has not changed his feelings for you it seems. I hope you will perceive this information as a guide, and not as ammunition against him._

_As for myself, I wish to return home, as it was always my intention. After long conversations, I have convinced Izuna to at least consider coming back to see you. While the progress I have made is not immense, he did consent to my writing you a letter informing you of his willingness to consider returning, as long as he hears from your own mouth that you want him back at all._

_I hope you can write back as soon as possible. Please give Sasuke the last page while you are at it._

 The last page was written exclusively in hiragana, the only Japanese alphabet Sasuke could read. I was still trying to process what he had said when Sasuke took the last page from my hands and started reading aloud.

  _Otouto, I am sorry for dragging you into this mess. I do not expect your forgiveness, but I wanted you to know the truth. I also want you to know that Madara went through the same pain as us when he was younger, and is the only one remotely capable of understanding your emotions. I do not ask you to see him as a parent-I only ask you to acknowledge his pain and not dismiss the fact that had he not listened to my pathetic cries when I was a child, we would have been orphans._

_In case we do not end up seeing each other soon enough…remember that I love you._

 Sasuke scoffs at his letter for a moment. "The fuck. It's all about you."

 He sits back in his chair and shoves the burnt eggs in his mouth as a tear slips down his cheek. I keep rereading my part of the letter in between glances. I'm subconsciously waiting for him to say something first just so I won't say the wrong thing. I feel both weak and relieved when he does speak again.

 "This is so awkward. I hate how he jus knows I'll listen. Damn Itachi."

 "I wouldn't say he knows. He's probably just hoping you will, since you're so unpredictable." Sasuke rolls his eyes at me and pushes his plate away. He remembers the tears and wipes those away too.

 "Make me dinner. I'm starving. Are you ever gonna tell me what's the deal with you and Izuna? Maybe I should know since he's apparently coming back and stuff."

 I throw his burnt eggs in the trash and heat up some leftover stew. Even if it's not fresh, it's still probably much better than anything he's eaten in the past month. As soon as I put the plate in front of him, he starts gulping it down while staring at me. He's waiting for a response.

 "Izuna and I grew up with our mother. Once she died, we were left with only our step father to provide for us. The man eventually remarried, and that's where hell started for Izuna. His woman had a sadistic streak and a thing for children. I was too old to pose any interest, but Izuna was just right. He was forced into many sexual activities. At first by himself, with the woman watching him, but then with her touching him too. Our step father did not seem to care how she entertained herself.

 Out of desperation and trauma, Izuna turned to me. He asked me to be his lover, because he wanted to know what real love felt like for once. I refused him at first. But seeing his mental health deteriorating made me cave in. We started having sex. We were in love, probably because we were both so damaged.

 When I realized that I had the power to kill with my eyes, I killed both of them. I was 18, I could take Izuna with me. I had this house. We were happy for a very short amount of time. He wanted to know how I did it. I wanted to make him happy and show him so he could feel the satisfaction too. But I did to him what you did to Itachi. Izuna became blind and was partially paralyzed. I brought him to the best sanatorium I knew of, owned by my best friend's niece.

 We had a fight right before that and he was angry at me… I've been waiting this whole time for him to tell me something. Anything. I wrote letters, but never got an answer. I was afraid to go there uninvited. I felt like it would be disregarding his wishes. I miss him but I will not force him to forgive me for crippling him for life. I suppose that's all."

 Sasuke did not interrupt me at all as I was talking. It was easier to tell him than I thought it would be. Maybe it's because I know he can't judge me for my relationship with Izuna after having done the same thing with Itachi. Our sins are too similar. He looks surprisingly serious, however.

 "I'm sorry. That sounds like going through hell and back."

 "I'm not sure I'm back yet even," I tried laughing, but it came out more bitter. "Are you back?"

 "I dunno. It'll take me some time. I can't just immediately switch to being your best friend. Like, I understand, but I need to think it over. I just need Itachi back though, that's for sure. And I wanna meet my other uncle too. Guess you two are the only family we have, right?"

 I nod.

 "Thought so. We're all freaks huh. Great stew though, I missed it."

 He gets up to leave and puts his plate in the sink on his way out. "No goodnight?" I ask.

 "Oh, shut up. Answer the damn letter tomorrow."

* * *

A/N: I apologize for the break in updates. I WILL finish this, no worries. Another chapter will be coming soon, it's already half written. I function in big spurts of energy so that's why my updating schedule will never be truly regular. The title is an approximate translation of the French song "Pardonne Moi Pour Ce Caprice D'enfant" by Mireille Mathiew, which is largely about lost and (re?)found love and how the folly of youth can lead us to pushing away the people we truly love. Give it a listen, and please leave a review too. (PS: yes, Itachi's letter is intentionally pompous and condescending. Our baby ain't perfect.)

 


	16. Face Down in the Dirt

(Itachi POV)

I find that lately my vision has improved somewhat, although after a few hours I seem to lose it again. Trying to use my powers to make myself warm seems to influence my eyes too, although I do not understand myself how they are related. I am also strangely preoccupied with my body. More precisely, my body gives me a sense of dread that I did not have before. Being physically sick is an inconvenience, naturally, but it also gives me a mental block. _What if I actually die?_

Only a week passed before I got a response from Madara. The words themselves did not surprise me at all, but perhaps the fact that it all went according to plan unsettles me in a very unpleasant way. There were never any happy endings in my life, so the prospect of having one right now seems impossible. Will I die on my way to meeting Sasuke again, or how will fate play me this time? I cannot help but wonder…

I waited another day to tell Izuna, just so I could give him more time to figure out what response he really wants. Madara had written that he finds it " _hard to believe that Izuna would want to return home, but if he does, his bedroom has been waiting for hi untouched for the past 16 years."_ I sense that Madara finds this happy ending just as unlikely as I do. I try to imagine what he's feeling, but I feel guilty. I cannot imagine his feelings when I'm too preoccupied with my own. After so many years of denying myself, I feel the tension. I think Sasuke does too, which is why I struggle not to think about it. As the adult, I have to at least try not to give in to animalistic urges, because I know that he would willingly throw reason to the wind.

I gathered my few clothes in a small plastic bag, and discussed with Tsunade about my release. She was angry that I sent a letter behind her back and thus did not need to give her any information in exchange for my freedom. I told her what she wanted to know anyway, and was surprised to see her looking very guilty afterwards. She asked me to apologize to Madara, although she did not clarify why.

Today, Izuna was taking a bath. He rarely takes baths because he thinks it messes up his hair, despite the fact that he cannot see his hair. He mentioned wanting to wash away the "nasty hospital smell" and the "decaying old man _fragrance_ ". I suspect that he is getting himself ready mentally too. It's what I would do if I knew my long lost brother whom I used to love so passionately would be coming to pick me up in a few hours.  Madara told Tsunade that he would come to get us today, although he did not specify a time.

My skin was burning in anticipation, which means that I could hardly even open my eyes. I had not been here for too long, especially compared to how long Izuna was here. And yet, I could not help but want to scream my lungs out at the thought of waiting another few hours. Given the state of my lungs however, that might actually put me in a coma. I eventually decided to join Izuna in the bath, regardless of what rules there are against that.

* * *

The water in the big tub was scalding hot, but there was no fog in the air because of it. Izuna's hair did indeed look limp as he was resting against the edge of the tub. He flinched for a second when I put my first leg into the tub, but seemed to quickly realize that it could only be me. He looked calm, but not necessarily serene.

"You appear very peaceful. Are you not afraid anymore?" I ask him with genuine curiosity.

"No. It's strange to me too, but maybe it just hasn't registered as real to me yet. It's been so long, I don't know how I should feel."

"Your hair looks almost like mine when it's limp like that," I remarked.

"Ha. Maybe you inherited Mikoto's hair then. Madara and I have crazy hair. I know I won't be able to see it so it should not matter, but does he still have long hair?" Izuna's voice is restrained and guttural, almost as if he is admitting a mistake. He's running his fingers through his hair, trying to pat it down even more.

"It's still long and crazy, yes. My brother Sasuke has crazy hair too, I am the only one who's different."

"You're always the special one, Itachi. I hate you for that. I hope you suffer for that!" he chuckles at me in an excessively fake way, to which I respond with a smile that he cannot see.

"Why do you try to pretend to be calm?"

"I'm not pretending exactly." For the first time, he extends his arm, trying to grab me. He manages to get hold of my forearm after patting my shoulder shortly. "I am just unable to process what's happening to me. You're old enough to know this stuff. There are times when you have to pinch yourself to make sure you feel something. Last night I was so scared that I tried to remember the good times. Back when Mada was close to me. But thinking about that spiraled out of control and I felt like a damn child, wanting sex again as a way to escape my anxieties. I learned _nothing_. I'll go back there, fall into his arms, suck his dick, and then feel like a cadaver again? Is that it? I have the same body impulses as when I was younger, same memories, same traumas, _more_ traumas, I don't even know what I want. All I feel is dread and confusion because I still do not understand what I wasted 16 years of my life for, atoning for my sins but then I'm ready to repeat all my mistakes like a -- like a moron, Itachi."

His voice was devoid of emotion, but his words described similar emotions to what I had experienced up to that point.

"If it makes you feel better, I am also a moron who will probably repeat his mistakes. But we are humans, not saints. We do not need to atone forever. We were born to be imperfect men, with desires we cannot restrain forever. God knows I tried and I can feel myself ready to fail if Sasuke says as much as 'please' to me."

"Itachi… Don't try to give hope to this hopeless idiot." He brings his head underwater after saying those words to me, and just as I want to lift him up, I feel his hand on my leg, moving from my foot towards my body. I pull his head out of water and try hard to look him in the eyes, despite the fact that my own eyes hurt so much to open.

"You feel safe with me, but what if I did this to you? Wouldn't you be disgusted, just like Mada was for so many years as he was putting up with my selfish desires?"

"No, Zu, I am not disgusted. You are so afraid that you even forgot your anger."

"I did not forget it. I am just forced to remember a part of myself that I was trying to bury. The part of myself that wants to touch other people despite being a filthy human being."

My eyes keep burning into my skull as he speaks to me, and the water in the tub turned ice cold in comparison. I reach out to brush the hair out of his blind eyes, and pull his head closer to mine until I can feel his lips against mines and he starts kissing me without any other words being spoken. Slowly he slips more and more into the water, pulling me on top of him in the process. He's holding on to me tightly and will not even stop to breathe. For a moment I thought he wanted to drown himself, but when I moved my hand under his armpit to hold him above the water, he pushed me under the water too before I could react. He was still holding his breath, holding me on top of him as we were both underwater and kissing me almost as if he was trying to breathe through my mouth. 

I have to force my way out of the water after a few seconds, as my lungs simply will not allow me to hold my breath for long under water. He does not come after me, choosing to stay at the bottom of the bathtub, not breathing, not moving, just sitting motionless like a corpse.

"Izuna!" I yell at him, but he does not respond. "Izuna, stop fucking with me! You're not taking advantage of me as if I am a child and then killing yourself out of fear for it! Snap out of it!" He does not answer still, so I forcefully pull him out of the water and shake him until I can hear his rugged breath again. "Fake assaulting me won't make me see you as a predator, and Madara never saw you as one either. You're not atoning for anything, you're just remembering your traumas!" I keep yelling at him, but he won't even acknowledge me. He's just latched onto me, naked, shivering from the cold water of the tub and with hair covering his whole face.

"Izuna… Zu, you're not old. You're not dead. You can still start over and be happy." He shakes his head at me incredulously.

"I do not remember how that feels. How being alive feels."

He repeats his line a few times, until I agree to go back under water with him. Under water, where all thoughts and feelings are muffled and forgotten and he starts kissing me again as I struggle to force my lungs to do as I say. 

* * *

At eight at night, Tsunade comes to Izuna's room to announce Madara's arrival. He was much later than I expected, but I do not doubt that he was afraid. Sasuke was not with him. I could not clearly see his face, but I was trying to conserve my vision for when I'd really need it. I can feel Madara's hand on my back as he says something to me, but I can't really hear me because of all the water in my ears. He looks only at me, not at Izuna.

Izuna was dressed in all black, because he was wearing my clothes. He is shorter, but skinny enough to not look awkward in my clothes. He had not worn (or had) real clothes for the past 15 years.

"Are you okay?" Madara speaks to me louder when he sees he's not getting a response. I see Izuna raising his head at that too, although he cannot see where Madara is exactly.

"Why, I thought you'd be asking ME that, Aniki." Izuna remarks. Madara does not answer him at first, still looking at me for an answer.

"I believe we have too much to talk about to start here. Can you wait until we are home?"

 "Of course I can wait. It's what I've been doing these past 16 years after all."

 "Let's just go, Madara." He nods at me, and I hold Izuna's hand as we both follow him to the car. My eyes are burning and my lungs feel like two dried raisins, prompting Madara to keep an eye on me on the entire way back home. He keeps a perfect poker face, and so does Izuna, despite what happened between us just earlier that day.

 But the house is only one hour away, and we can only stay quiet for so long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A/N): I BET YA THOUGHT IT WAS OVER. I don't blame you, I'm a mess with this. I have literally 4 chapters left of this to write (at least if it all goes according to keikaku - for those of you familiar with tumblr memes) but knowing me it might just take 10 years. Just kidding. I'll try my best, and I'll finish this story even if it kills me. The plot is so clear in my mind that I can't just drop it. Anyhoo, please not the PTSD coming from Izuna this chapter and maybe think about how hard it must have been to be alone with those thoughts for so many years. It will be revealed in later chapters what happened between him and Itachi after the last bathtub sequence - I chose to cut it off there because their sexual encounter is not meant to be "sexy", but it's supposed to show some feelings they both have and how much it hurts to suppress them but also how much it hurts to release them. I hope that's alright with everyone. If you still give a damn about the story, please shoot a review - I'd like to know how other people perceive the story, since lately I've been putting too much time and thought into motifs and the psychology of it and not enough time into actual writing!
> 
> As always, thank you. -Ioio


	17. Through a Glass Darkly

(Sasuke POV)

Madara of course took his sweet ass time answering that letter, writing and rewriting, not letting me read it or contribute to it with a sigle word. I hadn't seen him so anxious probably ever, and had it not been about Itachi too, I'd probably laugh at him.

It's hard for me to talk to him since I now know his story with his brother and I'm forced to come to terms with the fact that he didn't contribute to mom and dad's death after all. I want to hate the asshole but I feel bad for him too. And he also cooks damn good. Can't believe I lost almost 10 pounds for nothing… He's totally a pussy for not talking to Izuna for so long but I can't really bring that up without him reminding me that I avoided Itachi too, as if it's the same thing. A few weeks =/= 16 years, Madara. And you call yourself an adult, too.

But today "after work" he's bringing Itachi home at least. He thinks I don't know that he's not working, but he's forgetting that I can track his location on my phone. How does he think I managed to avoid him so perfectly all this time? He's probably still scared that Itachi will yell at him for not bringing him back earlier against his will (I mean, really, Itachi was probably just waiting for us to miss him). Neither Itachi nor Madara ever told me anything about uncle Izuna though, and the only pictures I saw of him were from back when he was MY age. And we all know we don't need another me in the house.

Why do I keep rambling and muttering to myself as I walk around in circles in Izuna's room? I still can't believe Madara wouldn't let me touch it in all those years. I surely thought he was dead and poor  _uncle Mada_  couldn't move on. He sure moved on from Mom's death like it was nothing though. That's rude, if I may say so myself. I mean I know he didn't care about her much and hated Fugaku's guts as much as Itachi did, but come on. I know he can fake it better than that. Fuck, the nervousness is killing me.

Did Itachi ask to go away only to bring Izuna back with him then? I kinda wanna beat him up a little if that's the case. Why not just force Madara to go and face his brother and avoid all this bullshit? It would do the old man wonders if he could find his balls again after all those years. He's so deep in denial thinking that he's doing the right thing that he doesn't even realize how avoidant he really is. Damn good cook, though. I wish he could cook all day to forget his troubles instead of working. But then I couldn't mooch off of him and that would be boring. I know for sure that he must've thought I was crazy or trying to strangle myself with headphone cords when I ordered five pairs last week, haha. What the hell does he do for work again? He could be shooting porn in the basement for all I know, he's ridiculously secretive.

Oh wait, Itachi mentioned he inherited the company. Okay, maybe not secretive then. Just awfully quiet about it. Not that I would listen to him. Or have him come home and greet him like a housewife, " _Uncle, welcome home! How was work today? Would you like a massage with that blowjob?"_ Ew, gross.

Come back home faster, you moron. Before I actually start imagining myself as a housewife. If Itachi ever asks me to do all that for him I'll knock him out.

Wait. Garage light went on.

It's fucking 9pm and Madara is finally pulling up, doing a goddamn awful parking job which is unusual for him. Did they argue on the way here or what?

He left me careful instructions for a brisket that apparently takes 12 hours to smoke, as if I have nothing better to do than sit outside in cold ass weather and stare at a grill and open it every hour to check the meat. I'd rather check out my own meat, thank you very much. Blow off some steam, make sure I don't look too desperate when Itachi returns, the usual.

Okay, I know he's nervous and I'm being an ass. It's because I'm nervous too. Need some comic relief so we don't all go insane. Maybe Izuna hasn't laughed in a long time, I'll be the saviour of the night. Oh boy, they're coming out. They're out. Itachi and Madara are out. Where's our boy wonder though? Oh, Itachi is going to the other side of the car. Was he blind again or is he just almost blind like Itachi? Well he needs to be guided so he's probably blind. That's no fun, now he can't love me for my beauty. Clearly he won't love me for my personality after all.

Why is Itachi so goddamn close to him? You're MY brother, not his. He can lean on Madara if he needs to! Or maybe they're still pissed at each other. Madara did say something about Izuna never wanting to write back to him. That was a bit mean, if Madara left me blind I'd just wait 5 years and then kick him in the balls I think.

Brisket, check. Table set, check. Wiped off all furniture, check. Put on good clothes, check. Unlocked the door and… Be serious, Sasuke, this is serious. This is serious. Don't be an obnoxious asshole just yet, there's time for that later. Here we go.

* * *

Curiously enough, Izuna is the first to enter the house, followed by Itachi who is STILL holding his hand and Madara at the end, who locks the door behind him. Itachi looks calm and composed as he enters, even giving me a small smile once he raises his head and sees me. He seems unchanged. A lot slimmer, with darker circles under his eyes, but with the same cold kindness in his eyes. Why does his appearance make me feel so guilty all of a sudden? I made fun of him once for looking too feminine, but seeing him right now makes me wish I had never said any of that to him. He's a goddamn dragon under that harmless looking exterior. Why did I avoid him all those months again?

Izuna has his eyes open, but is looking into the void since he can't see a thing. He's turning his head to the side when he hears Itachi shift around, but otherwise he's stuck in place. Only Madara is moving around busily, avoiding looking at them and staring at me in a very 'did you do all I told you to do?' way. Yes, asshole, I did it all. Tch.

I think Izuna is wearing Itachi's clothes, because his pants are too long and he looks awkward in them. Although he's blind so maybe he just has no sense of fashion and can't tell that they don't fit. His hair is long like Itachi's but crazy like Madara's. I've never seen this man in person in my life, but he looks so much like us that I can't see him like a stranger at all. He looks so much like Madara and I in particular. Itachi has always looked a bit different, a bit too much like Mom. Izuna's eyes and hair are black, and his skin is sheet-white like Itachi's. I call it the hospital tan, and it looks terrible.

"Sasuke. Come closer." Itachi speaks in a very quiet but clear tone. I do as he says, although I'm unsure of whether I should even try to act friendly with Izuna or not. "This is my brother, Sasuke. Don't mind what he says too much," he adds with a soft chuckle.

"I remember what you told me about him, no worries. I am Izuna. Please don't call me uncle, I still feel like I'm 16 years old at times so I don't relate to that title." Well it's not like I call Madara uncle either. Izuna lifts his hand up in the air and I'm not sure if he's going for a handshake or he wants to touch my face so I just shake his hand quickly and awkwardly and then place it on my shoulder because honestly I don't want to have my face touched but I know he might want to know what I look like.

"Don't worry, I won't touch your face. Itachi described what you look like to me." he adds with a polite smile. This makes me wonder what the bastard said about my personality. They're laughing at each other over that like it's some inside joke I'm not allowed into.

"Let's have some real food, shall we?" Madara yells out from the kitchen although it sounds more like a plea. God, he's acting weird. The almighty Madara is  _asking_  us to come join him? Oh boy.

"Madara is actually a very good cook, so he's an A+ brother, eh?" I try to joke with Izuna but he's not laughing at all so I guess that was a bad idea. Maybe I'll just shut up from now on. Maybe. "Okay, nevermind, he's an asshole. Itachi, save me please."

"You can leave the awkward host role to Madara." Itachi whispers in my ear just like he did when we first reunited. God I hate when he does that, it sends bad shivers down my spine. Or maybe I just hate it because it turns me on at inappropriate times.

"Izuna, can you eat?" Itachi asks him a bit louder, to which Izuna nods his head slowly but not very convincingly. Itachi holds his shoulder as we all step into the kitchen, where Madara already served the food.

I must admit, I'm shocked that nobody's really talking. I haven't heard Madara and Izuna say a single word to each other the whole night. Why did Izuna even come here if he's not gonna talk? We all ate in silence, but the awkwardness of it all is giving me a stomach ache. Will I get the shits and miss all the fun conversations? I sure hope not. I'm gonna shit my pants if I have to, but I'm not missing a word they say. Something feels seriously wrong in this whole interaction.

"So… how've you been, brother dearest? Should we at least make some small talk before I lose my mind?" I whisper towards Itachi, although I'm sure everyone heard it. I know it's a bad idea to interrupt the uncomfortable silence, but if I'm not gonna do it, who will? Itachi loves silence, Izuna is the guest so he won't start anything, and Madara is still searching for his lost balls so I doubt he'd make the first step.

"I am a little weak still, I'm afraid. My lungs feel like two raisins, to be perfectly honest." He sounds amused, although his tone is pretty flat. Madara looks like he wants to laugh but won't do it.

"Well that's better than being dead! Can you see me?" I ask him in an attempted cheery tone. Fake it till you make it, that's my motto.

"I can. But my vision can get worse at times, unfortunately. Madara, thank you for the food by the way. I would like to ask you something, however."

Madara flinches when he's addressed, but keeps a straight face somehow.

"You are welcome. What is it?" I feel bad for being amused at Madara's awkwardness but I'm also thankful I'm not in his position, honestly.

"I think it's time we talked about the elephant in the room, don't you?" Itachi raises his eyebrow in that elegant and reproaching way of his. I feel bad for anyone who falls victim to Itachi's eyebrow raise. Madara stays silent however, unphazed by  _the_  eyebrow raise. "I would like to mention that I believe there has been a huge misunderstanding here, although I cannot be sure until you two," he says gesturing towards Izuna as well, "actually talk to each other and realize where your stories differ. Maybe we should start with your thoughts, Izuna." Itachi prompts him.

"Itachi, I would not call 16 years of silence a misunderstanding. I would call it neglect, although I know I'm not a child so maybe it's more accurate to say willful ignorance." Izuna's words seem merciless although his face betrays no ill emotions. He has the same poker face on that Madara has, not that Izuna can see his face.

" _Neglect_?" Madara interjects in a hurt voice. "All I did was to respect your wishes, as much as they hurt me. I did not have it in me to force you to interact with me if you did not wish to do so. I thought you would appreciate this for what it was, not blame me for not being more forceful."

"I was not aware that I was expected to reach out to you when you were the one to put me in that place. Should I have pleaded my cause to you like a convict or what did you expect me to do?" I can feel the hostility in the air...

Itachi was the only one still eating at the table, almost as if he did not mind one bit what was going on around him. Was he that hungry or was he just genuinely capable of ignoring this incredible tension?

"I never expected you to reach out, I made the first step years ago. But you never answered me so can you blame me for assuming that you wanted nothing to do with me? I tried more than once to reach you and I eventually gave up because you just wouldn't talk to me!" Madara's face is finally showing some mild exasperation. What the hell did Itachi mean with the misunderstanding?

"First step as in waiting for me? Because I'm not sure what you're referring to at all. You yelled at me 16 years ago and I haven't heard a word from you since then." Izuna sounds more and more pissed off too now.

"I know I messed up many times but don't accuse me of never reaching out when you didn't even bother to read my letters. I wrote to you four separate times and I never heard a word back. Was I supposed to barge in and force you to see my face if you didn't want that?"

"Madara, I'm fucking blind! What letters are you even talking about? Nobody ever told me I received anything, and if by any chance they're in my  _hospital mailbox_ , I cannot see them! Have you heard of a telephone? An oral message? A blind-bat friendly option?"

"How was I supposed to know you never got them? I asked Tsunade to deliver them to you and so I expected that they had reached you. She knows you're blind, I'm sure she wouldn't just leave them in your "hospital mailbox" and call it a day! Come on, Zu, you  _know_  why I wanted to be delicate about this," Madara fights back in a pleading tone. ... _Zu?_

"Tch. Blaming others. That's so you, Mada, isn't it? Is it my fault that I'm blind too since we're at it?" ... _Mada?_

"I'm glad we got to the point this fast. Perhaps I should explain what I believe happened here." Itachi interrupts their diplomatic quarrel just as it was getting more emotional. He puts his fork down and does  _the_  eyebrow raise at Madara again, who this time acknowledges it with a scowl.

"Please enlighten me, Itachi." Madara sighs, defeated.

"As you might already suspect by this point, Tsunade never gave him the letters. I know because I saw them in her office, unopened. But before we place all blame on you, as Izuna feels rightfully inclined to do, I should probably mention that Tsunade lied to you about delivering them, and apologized to me about it today. So no, Izuna, he was told that you did indeed receive them."

"Why would she do that though? I've known her for a long time, it's not like she's a stranger!" For the first time, Madara raised his voice significantly. Izuna's face stayed blank, but he looked less angry now.

"You would have to ask her. However, I suspect that she was curious what was going on and she wanted to keep Izuna in for the money that you were giving the hospital. She is a good doctor, but not a very honest one. She lied to me too, which is why I sent you my letter through another patient, just to make sure it arrived."

"You never told me you saw any letters for me." Izuna said, looking at Itachi. "Did you think it was better to go into this discussion without telling me that?"

"I did not tell you or Madara anything about those letters because if you knew, you wouldn't be talking to each other right now. If you knew, you'd feel guilty for not receiving them. If Madara knew, he'd still be scared to come talk to you in person for reasons that he can tell you again if you don't already know." Itachi's calm voice felt so inappropriate for this moment, but perhaps that was all that was keeping the Madara and Izuna from getting at each other's throats.

"Is that why you went to the hospital?" Madara asks, looking once again defeated.

"Of course not. I only saw the letters once I was there. I wanted to go so I could meet Izuna and know his side of the story. When the stories did not add up, I went to talk to Tsunade, who was unwilling to cooperate, which naturally made me suspicious."

"I cud sue her for that though. That's not something doctors can do. She could have ruined our lives forever if you hadn't gone there. Itachi, this can't be it." Madara is already fumbling with his phone, going through his contacts.

"You can't sue her, and she knows it. Hashirama would plead with you until you dropped it. He's your closest friend, but he's a family man first. Similarly, though, you could have come in and handed your letter to Izuna himself, without saying who you are. As you remember, he  _can't_  see your face."

"Itachi, that's enough." Shockingly, that came from Izuna. "I think we need some time to reassess this situation before we get too angry again. Or at least I do, because right now all I can think about is whom should I kill first: myself, Madara, or Tsunade."

"I'll clean up if we're all done here." Madara offered, abandoning his contact search.

"I assume my room isn't off limits for me too, or is it?" Izuna asked him sternly as he got out of his chair.

"No. It is not."

* * *

Itachi showed Izuna to his room, although Izuna seemed to know where it was instinctively. I guess it was his house, but he had not been in here in 16 years. I don't know if I should even be following them, but I don't want to be with Madara either so here I am.

Izuna sat on the bed with his eyes closed, not saying a word for a good few minutes. Suddenly, he asked Itachi to come closer to him and spoke to him quietly, but not quite whispering.

"Madara is such a child… I thought he was a coward but now I see that he was just so terrified of being rejected. He thought I refused to answer his letters, and thus refused to ever communicate with him again. Itachi, I'm so angry at him. I'm so angry at myself. I thought I was such a martyr, suffering at the indifference of my brother. The brother who tried so hard to save me, and who was waiting for me to forgive him the entire time. I have so much anger in me…I feel like I could kill Tsunade with it."

"I think you're misjudging him. I do not think he was afraid of rejection. I think he loved you too much to hurt you again," Itachi explains calmly.

"It's not that I don't  _understand_ his feelings. I'm just angry. I'm angry that I can't blame him for anything anymore. I cannot blame myself either. We effectively wasted 16 years by accident. Who would not be angry? It's like being put in jail for life for a crime you didn't commit. We both did things wrong. Of course I could have yelled at Tsunade until she let me call him. Of course he could have come to see me. Of course she could have just NOT been a cunt and read the letters to me. But none of that happened, Itachi. If things can go wrong, they will. Every single time."

"Not every time. I could have never been sick and never met you." Itachi tries to cheer him up with a chuckle.

"I'm glad I helped you both by almost killing Itachi," I added like a moron. I don't know why I said that.

"I'm glad it makes you feel less guilty, little brother. Not that I expected you to wait for me 16 years too, I know you're too impatient for that." You know he's being sarcastic when he calls me little brother. He smiled at me as if he made a damn good argument though.

"I can see what you meant when you said Sasuke has little regard for other people's feelings. I can't hope but wish Madara could be more like that too right now though."

"You can't blame him. He had too much responsibility put on his shoulders from a young age." Itachi added.

"You can't blame me either, I had too much fucking abuse put on my shoulders from a young age! I did not know how to deal with it then and I don't know how to deal with this now! I wish I were less damaged so I could at least talk to him but I AM damaged and I can't talk to him. It's been 16 years and right now I have no idea what I could possibly say to him." He suddenly looks a lot more emotional than he did during the dinner. He's not a blank slate like Itachi and Madara, who hardly show any emotion even when they're trying to show it.

"Well when I don't know what to say to Itachi, I generally insult him. That's always an option with people who refuse to show emotion around you. Cuz then they get sarcastic with you and you can pout and then they think you're endearing and suddenly you're all good again." Nobody asked, I know. But as a younger brother to another, I know how it feels!

"I'm glad you have an intricate strategy like that, Sasuke." Itachi interjects.

"Oh shut it. You can't maintain a relationship if both people are all diplomatic and refuse to call things for what they are. That's why you love me, not Madara. Win-win."

Izuna actually laughs at me after I say that. "If I were still 16, Sasuke, I'm sure I would do just as you say. But right now I would like to talk to Itachi alone, if you would please." Never mind, he didn't understand a thing.

"Fine. But you're never going to make up if you both talk politely to each other. You're not two strangers, it'll never be satisfying to either of you. I'm just saying."

I got up from the bed and closed the door behind me. As I exited, however, I saw Madara stuck to the wall right next to the door, with his eyes closed and a grim expression on his face. He didn't even acknowledge my presence. You can't hear anything through that thick wall though, so I'm not sure what he's doing here, creeping like that.

"You alright, old man?" I ask him just to fill in the silence.

"It's not the right time to be sarcastic with me, Sasuke."

"I wasn't sarcastic. But if you want to know what's going on in there, then let me fill you in. I think your brother wants you to man up and stop considering everyone's feelings. I swear, he said it with his own mouth."

"I don't doubt that he did. But he's an abuse victim, I don't trust his pleas to be manhandled to be genuine. That's just how he avoids his anxieties, but asking to be abused more. I refuse to do that to him anymore, even if that's what he says he wants." he sighs at me as if I don't understand what he's saying.

"Well, feel free to do whatever. But do it quick, because I don't want him hogging MY brother the whole time just because you're too much of a chicken to talk to him without walking on eggshells." He mutters something about putting myself in his shoes, but I don't bother to listen any more. Ain't like he's gonna consider anything I say with his head so far up his ass, so whatever.

* * *

I went to Madara's old room and waited for Itachi in there, since I assume he'd be sleeping there as he did before the hospital ordeal. I just stripped down to underwear and went to sleep, since I'm sure I'll wake up when he returns. No point in staying awake till god knows when he'll be done talking to Izuna.

He's a strange man, but I like him more than I like Madara. At least based on first impressions, I hated Madara when I first saw him, whereas I simply pity Izuna. I mean, he's more like me in that he shows his emotions, but he's like Madara too in that he sure as hell won't admit them to whom it matters most. He does look younger though, which I guess he is. He's so small in a way, even though he's a bit taller than me. He's skinny like Itachi but gangly like me, which makes for a very non-threatening presence. I hope Itachi doesn't like him  _like that_  though. He's nothing like me in personality, so it's unlikely. Itachi loves being abused, I know it. Only I can do that with him.

I think I did end up dosing off, because the clock showed 1AM when Itachi came into the room. He did not look surprised to see me there. He slowly took his shirt and jeans off and undid his ponytail. God he looked skinny now. Should I force feed him?

"You're not sleeping?" he asks me.

"I was. I just woke up. My Itachi radar went off," I try to laugh it off so it doesn't sound needy.

"I may be wrong, but I feel like you won't let me sleep too easily." Don't smirk at me like you know what I'm gonna do, bastard.

"So what if you're right? I said it earlier too, it can't work if both people are all polite. I'm fine with being the pushy one here. Why are you so skinny?"

"If you say, little brother. I'm afraid it is hard to gain weight when you're eating porridge every other day and coughing up blood regularly." he said, and he sounded very tired. Maybe I'll let him off tonight. "I might have also lost weight from missing you though." Wait what?

"Who are you and what did you do to my big brother? I thought hell would freeze over twice before you admit that you give the slightest shit about me in such a straightforward way."

"I don't want to worry you, but my health is not at its best. I want to be able to say it before it's too late and I'm in a grave." His face looks way too serious for my liking.

"Don't fucking talk like that. You're not back here just so you can die on me right away." I pull him next to me in bed and pull off his underwear, which looks really big on him right now.

"I should probably warn you again that I'm very sick still. I don't know if my body is going to work the way it should. I haven't tried, either." He looks at me almost amused now, as if he's daring me to make it work.

"What's with you today? You're turning witty on me now? I guess I can wait a day or two." He laughs at me again and whispers in my ear that I'm impatient. Yeah, well, it's been a few months. What do you expect?

"I don't know if I'll be cured of all my ailments in two days, Sasuke. I'm sorry." He pulls me closer though and hugs me to his chest, giving off that weird heat again. "I won't refuse you anything, though. I am afraid to wait, to be honest." Jesus, why do you have to say it like that?

"I don't want to hurt you though if you're so sick. I'm pushy but I'm not an insensitive jerk, Itachi."

"You sure about that, little brother?" He smiles at me in that semi-condescending way, but I know he doesn't mean it quite like that. He rubs my back with his bony fingers and I'm pretty damn sure that he didn't miss the fact that my dick is digging into his stomach because I swear he rubbed his stomach muscles right against it.

"I think I can still do something about that," he whispers in my ear. The shiver from that made me twitch involuntarily. Is he saying he'll suck me off? I won't say no to that.

"Well, I won't say no. Just as long as you don't die on me, you know."

He moves his head down under the covers, but I grab them and push them to the side. I wanna see this, goddamn it. I never thought I'd live the day when he does this for me so I sure as hell won't let him hide away as he's doing it.

He grabs my balls with one hand and massages them as he slowly licks the head, which kinda tickles but I don't have the heart to tell him what to do because what if he gets offended and stops altogether?

"Itachi, I don't know if… how do I say it… I guess you wouldn't know the difference but…" he looks up at me and waits for me to continue before doing anything else. "I'm gay, right?" he nods at me. "And so that means I like men, right. So could you, like, suck me off like a man and not like a geisha? I might just go crazy otherwise because you're so goddamn elegant with this."

Itachi. Fucking. Laughed. At me. He fucking. Laughed. He…

_Deepthroated it._

Oh god. How does he fucking change gears like that. He's doing it on purpose, isn't he? He's using that goddamn heat on my dick. How does this feel so warm, I don't know. But it's warm and it's slippery and I feel like my soul is leaving my body slowly because I can't believe what I'm seeing right now.

_How does he know how to do this even?_

His left hand is roaming everywhere around my ass, which is nerve wracking a little because he makes me want him to finger me and that's a little embarrassing because I can see him smirking at me as if he's daring me to ask him. But if he puts his fingers in I'll finish too fast and that's embarrassing too.  _He's the fucking devil_.

"Just do it!" I yell at him.

"Do what?" He looks at me innocently as if he doesn't know, the bastard.

"Put them in, I have no dignity left anyway." Who am I trying to kid here.

"I love you, Sasuke."  _Can you NOT say that as you're licking your fingers please…_

But as soon as he puts two in I forget his fucking smirk because I can't keep my eyes open anymore. Guess I asked to be manhandled, so he didn't even bother to only put one finger in at a time. I can't really complain because…

"Ngh, that feels great. Just keep going…"

He thankfully does just that. And lord does it feel good. I didn't even know he was capable of being rough but this is what I asked for and Itachi is a pleaser so what did I expect. I can feel his eyes looking at me although I'm too enthralled in this to open my own and check if I'm right. I reach out to touch his hair and he doesn't seem to mind because his goddamn perfect rhythm is uninterrupted. Why do I feel the need to touch his hair right now?

When he sees that I'm not moving my hand, he actually goes slower on me. I have no clue why but I'm glad he did that because now I'm afraid to finish. I don't want it to end. I want to feel his lips on me for a fucking hour if possible. I can hardly keep it in anymore but I just refuse to finish so quick.

I try to touch his cheek and bring his face back up, so I can kiss him. He tastes salty, probably from all my leaking precum. He's so incredibly warm as he slowly slips his tongue into my mouth, so unrestrained compared to the first time we did this. He scares me sometimes with how intense he is.

He still has a hand on my dick though, almost as if he doesn't want me to forget what he's doing. I know he said he's sick, but I can't help it. I want to bite into him like I did before, leave my mark on him so he doesn't forget that we've done this together. I hear him wince a little when I bite into his nipple a little too hard, but that doesn't stop me, because I can see that he's hard too despite saying that he might not be able to do it. Maybe it hurts you, Itachi, but you like it. Oh, you like it. And you're going to like this even more.

I just climb on top of him and lower myself on his dick, which feels like heaven even though it hurts like a bitch at first. He's so warm  _everywhere_  and for once he's not resisting me at all. He's even pulling me closer and moving his hips up, in the same slow rhythm as he started teasing me at first. I can't tell him not to do that this time, though, because it feels too good. It feels just like Itachi, slow, soft, but so intense that I can feel my whole body burning up like a campfire. He's not even touching my dick anymore but I feel like I'm going to burst just from feeling him inside, pushing his way deeper into me with every move.

I don't even remember how long it lasted, because I was so out of it, hypnotized by that weird rhythm of his. All I remember is him kissing my forehead slowly and pulling out, wiping his stomach and my ass with the sheets and then throwing them to the ground. I think he told me that he'd keep me warm all night even with no sheets, but then again I might have dreamed that part.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This one is a bit longer, and while I tried to make it obvious that the Izuna-Madara relationship is incredibly awkward and strained, take it with a grain of salt as it's told from Sasuke's perspective. The next chapter will be almost exclusively focused on Madara and Izuna sorting their relationship out so we'll see more of their real feelings towards each other then. It might seem like Itachi did a 360 with how he handles his relationship with Sasuke, but it's really not the case. I see it as Itachi caving in because of his declining health and his fear that he'd never hear the end of it from Sasuke otherwise. Three chapters left to go now - please tell me what you'd like to see in the future chapters that hasn't already been revealed yet, because I have a feeling that I'll be powering through this fic within a month so now's the time to be honest. Like/confused/excited? Please review.
> 
> Thank you, as always. -Ioio.


	18. Persona

(Madara POV)

It is 8pm and I am driving Itachi and my brother back home from the sanatorium. It is completely quiet in the car except for the radio in the background, playing classical music on low volume. Loud enough that the silence is not deafening, but quiet enough that it does not feel like a barrier against speech. Every now and then I look at the car mirror and catch a glimpse of Itachi, who's sitting behind the passenger seat. He looks slimmer and older somehow, perhaps because of his sickness. It doesn't feel like we've only been apart for a couple months; it feels like much, much longer.

I drive slowly, and I try not to look back. Sasuke is spamming me with text messages asking where I am and why I'm not home yet. The whole time, however, I'm thinking of Itachi's letter from last week and how this kid is so much like me in so many ways. The only reason why Izuna was at all willing to talk to me was probably because of Itachi. I doubt anyone else would have had a single chance of even capturing his interest. Zu was always a pretentious bratty kid before he got abused, and I'm sure that side of him is still there, somewhere. The innocent child who considered almost everyone inferior, but would open up with people he looked up to. Almost like Sasuke in a way, but in reverse. Sasuke used to be a sweet child but turned into a brat after the trauma of seeing his parents die. Or perhaps the bigger trauma was seeing Itachi leave.

But I shouldn't be thinking about Sasuke or how Izuna was in the past. I am scared, after all. Maybe now I'm not at all someone to be admired by him anymore. Maybe he's not the pretentious kid he used to be, and I'll handle him the wrong way. Relationships are much more fragile when we become men, because men have too much pride while boys have too much curiosity.

After years of silence between us, even this reunion feels as if we have not made a step towards each other yet. The worries of childhood and the worries of adulthood have little in common after all. Right now, all I can think of is how pointless everything I did was. Pride or no pride, it was all utterly pointless and left us both hurting. I should have gone to see him in person. I should have, even if he did not want me to.

This silence… I deserve the silence of God but it burns me now with the same intensity as it did when we first parted ways, Zu.

* * *

When we got back home, Sasuke was surprisingly on his best behavior, which is still terrible by Japanese standards. For a moment I was ashamed that Itachi had to warn my brother about him, because it is my fault I raised him this way. He was only 8 years old when I took him in. From a quiet mopey child he turned into an extreme brat, despite being smart. He's nothing like Itachi, who had been raised under Fugaku's critical gaze just long enough that it would stick with him. No matter how much Itachi, Izuna, and I looked down on our parents, we were still permanently influenced by the way they raised us, for better and for worse.

Itachi is not hiding his excitement to be back this time, unlike me. I can feel all their gazes on me, expecting me to moderate the interactions. I know Izuna cannot see, and yet I still avoid looking at him, as if he'd be able to sense me staring.

The brisket I told Sasuke to prepare looked alright, and I served the food right away to avoid the pressing silence. Itachi, or maybe Sasuke, will surely talk sooner than I'd want them to anyway.

"Let's have some real food, shall we?" I say from the kitchen. I can hear Sasuke commenting on my cooking to Izuna, in a really awkward attempt at conversation. I don't know if Sasuke ever talked to someone raised the old stern Japanese way before aside from maybe Itachi and I. It's almost endearing how confused he is about Izuna, as if he's some wild animal that's quiet and dangerous.  _I am not one to talk…_

"Izuna, can you eat?" Itachi asks my brother, holding his shoulder and he guides him to the kitchen. I can see him nodding from the corner of my eye. It's in my nature to keep calm, but not even my nature can keep this nervousness at bay. Silence returns as we are all eating our food, with only the sound of silverware hitting porcelain in the air.

"So… how've you been, brother dearest? Should we at least make some small talk before I lose my mind?" Sasuke appears intent on reverting to his old ways, and this whole conversation almost makes this seem like a normal day with the boys.

"I am a little weak still, I'm afraid. My lungs feel like two raisins, to be perfectly honest." Itachi answers him in a perfectly calm voice. I hate it but I missed this kid and his dry humor.

"Well that's better than being dead! Can you see me?"

"I can. But my vision can get worse at times, unfortunately. Madara, thank you for the food by the way. I would like to ask you something, however." Ah, it was coming.

"You are welcome. What is it?" I do not need to ask to know what he wants. Itachi is, after all, still young too. He is impatient and fearless, especially with other people's problems.

"I think it's time we talked about the elephant in the room, don't you?" He raises his eyebrow at me like he's done many times before, and I know I  _have_  to give it to him. I held my ground with him before but I cannot hold that same position in front of my brother too. I cannot say in front of him that 'no, there's nothing wrong' or 'the problem does not exist' or 'eat your goddamn food'.

"Itachi, I would not call 16 years of silence a misunderstanding. I would call it neglect, although I know I'm not a child so maybe it's more accurate to say willful ignorance." The fact that I did not expect him to answer only made his words sting more. Some of the first words I hear him say, and they're already directed at me negatively. Fucking hell.

" _Neglect_? All I did was to respect your wishes, as much as they hurt me. I did not have it in me to force you to interact with me if you did not wish to do so. I thought you would appreciate this for what it was, not blame me for not being more forceful."

I did not plan to sound accusing, but it just came out of me. As if I blamed it all on him. I regretted it as soon as it came out of my mouth, even if it was true. It was not the right place or time to be brutally honest. With Zu, there's always rarely been a time and place to be honest, and yet I went and said it without thinking.

"I was not aware that I was expected to reach out to you when you were the one to put me in that place. Should I have pleaded my cause to you like a convict or what did you expect me to do?" He looks in my general direction and his face shows nothing but a blank stare, unlike his words that are clearly hostile.  _As they should be… I have to be self aware. Be self aware. Be self aware and stop being honest, Madara._

"I never expected you to reach out, I made the first step years ago. But you never answered me so can you blame me for assuming that you wanted nothing to do with me? I tried more than once to reach you and I eventually gave up because you just wouldn't talk to me!"

The words are coming out of me without my control anymore. How I hate talking about this… I have thought about this conversation happening so many times, and thought of so many ways I could be phrasing my arguments, but right now the words seem to be losing their value as soon as they exit my mouth. Those arguments I had so carefully constructed sound meaningless now. What is it with words always sounding so much more shallow when we say them out loud as opposed to when we are thinking them?

"First step as in waiting for me? Because I'm not sure what you're referring to at all. You yelled at me 16 years ago and I haven't heard a word from you since then." Haven't heard a word? What the hell does he mean, not a word? Were all those letters not a word?

At that moment I see Itachi staring at me and next thing I know, the world is red. I can see the dinner table from a bird view, but everything is red and black and white.  _I'm in Itachi's mind._

_"I figured the rest of the conversation may be too much right now, so I paused it. Of course, in reality it is still happening. I'm using your thoughts to continue your conversation with Izuna while we're here." Itachi says in his usual, alarmingly calm way as he looks at the same image of the dinner table as I am._

_"What are we here for?" I am angry that the pause in my consciousness relieved me for a second. I am angry that I did not give myself a time out before Itachi did, because once again he could read the atmosphere better than me._

_"I should probably explain it to you first, before I tell everyone. I cannot side with you once we're back out there, but you deserve to know what happened and why I'm going to lie over there," he says pointing to the red image of the dinner table. The words are muffled, so I don't even know what's being said anymore. "Don't worry, you'll know what I told them too."_

_"What are you even talking about, Itachi?" This is irritating. So irritating. I could break out of Itachi's mind, but something's telling me to wait. What is he saying to me, and why does my head feel like it's in the middle of a fish tank?_

_"I have talked to Tsunade a few times about Izuna, and the letters that you sent him. When you sent the first one, an assistant went to read it to Izuna. But Izuna did not react to the letter very well. You might remember that you wrote in it how much you regretted your last fight and how you did not want him to stay away forever. You told him about your nightmares of when you showed him what happened and then saw blood pouring out of his eyes. The assistant told Tsunade that Izuna did not say a word as she was reading your letter, but throughout the next month, Izuna tried to kill himself four times. Every night he was waking up drenched in cold sweat and with bloodshot eyes."_

_How… did I not know about this? When did this all happen?_

_"But Tsunade didn't say a word…"_

_"She did not. She consulted with her uncle, Hashirama, who told her to keep him alive no matter what. But once he tried to gouge his eyes out a week later, Tsunade decided not to tell you anything. She electroshocked his brain, and it erased his memory of everything that had happened since he arrived at the hospice. They even had to tell him you admitted him in, because he only remembered his past up to the moment of your argument in the hospital."_

_Why…?_

_"Izuna does not know you sent him any letters, and they never read any of the subsequent ones you wrote. Tsunade was scared to tell you what had happened, because she saw it as a failure on her part to keep him safe. She was very hostile towards me at first because she was scared I would interact with Izuna and tell him something he's not supposed to know and cause him to want to kill himself again. When she talked to him 16 years ago after his first suicide attempt, he said he would rather die than be a burden on you anymore. Because he was hurting the only person who ever protected him. You see that now, he thinks you have forgotten about him. But this spite is what kept him alive, because the guilt of you thinking about him every single day would have killed him. You cannot tell him what was in those letters. You cannot tell him what I have just told you."_

_Even if I wanted to speak, I could not do it right now. My heart is pounding out of my chest and my thoughts of what's happening in reality and what is happening here are getting jumbled to the point of excruciating pain. Nothing makes sense._

_"Itachi, was I wrong?" I do not even know what I want him to answer. I do not even know what I mean myself._

_"Izuna was a lot more traumatized than you thought, because you were the only thing holding him together somewhat. If you show any weakness because of him, his whole world crumbles. It is not your fault."_

_Not my fault, he says? How? Just earlier, I said it myself. There rarely is a time and place to be honest with Izuna. If I've always known it, then why did I keep trying to show him my heart and my true intentions? A man should never let his heart cloud his judgment. Why was I so stupid and careless? Why was I so blind at 18 when Itachi at the same age is as calculated as an old man? Is his heart beating in that chest anymore, or does he have a brain for a heart too?_

_"There was no other way but to let time pass and let him get stronger mentally just to spite you. Just like Sasuke had to become a brat to forget what I'd done. I can hear your thoughts, you know? The only reason I am here now is because you showed me what happened to you. I learned from your mistakes before I even made my own mistakes. I am not heartless, and I am not cold and calculating like you think. It's because I am a man too that I always understood you, Madara. And I wanted you to face your fears instead of always doing the right thing."_

_I have never seen Itachi smile at me before in a non-malicious way. He almost looks peaceful now, his image blurring right in front of my eyes but that smile still distinguishable on his face. By doing the right thing, did he mean telling the truth to Izuna or keeping my distance? I wish I could understand better, but my head is spinning so fast that I cannot focus. Is Itachi doing this on purpose to torture me?_

_"You allowed me to find happiness doing the wrong thing. I'm just paying you back." Or maybe he wants to end my torture as fast as possible, even if it means nothing makes sense right now._

_The colors of his red mind place are starting to warp into a spiral, spinning faster and faster until they go back to what they are supposed to be. As soon as I open my eyes and see the dinner table again, it's all over._

"Itachi, that's enough. I think we need some time to reassess this situation before we get too angry again. Or at least I do, because right now all I can think about is whom should I kill first: myself, Madara, or Tsunade."

I can hear Izuna's low and angry voice, but I'm still relieved. Anger. Anger is better than despair, because it makes us want to keep living and set the record straight. As long as Izuna blames Tsunade and not himself, he will want to stay alive. I hope he will want to stay alive and try again.

"I'll clean up if we're all done here." I offer, trying to maintain a grave expression. This is no time to be happy. Not yet.

"I assume my room isn't off limits for me too, or is it?" Izuna asks, looking at nobody in particular, and not waiting for the answer before getting up and heading towards his room.

"No. It is not." He might have not heard me, but Itachi did. And the devil smiled at me again, offering me the forbidden fruit.

* * *

Once I finished washing the dishes, I headed to Itachi's room. I had a lot to say to him and ask him, and 10 minutes of mind numbing Tsukuyomi are not the best environment for such discussions. But he was not there, and Sasuke was out of sight too. To be precise, I could not see Sasuke, but I could hear his voice, because he's always louder than he has to be. I leaned against the wall for a second, trying to clear my thoughts. I could hear whispers from Izuna's room, and it felt so strange. For so many years it stayed silent and uninhabited, like a relic from the past.

When Sasuke was younger, he used to bug me about that room a lot. He really wanted to move his bedroom in there, because it was "farther away from me" apparently. I suspect he wanted a queen sized bed for himself, but that's not important. Izuna had only lived in this house for six months… I bought it with the inheritance money after I killed the two bastards, and six months later he had finally convinced me to show him what happened.

It had been so difficult to buy this house and have Izuna live with me… I had to contact Mikoto just to have an "older adult" guarantee that we'd be fine on our own even though I had just turned 18. I started rebuilding my mother's firm that lay abandoned by our step-father, and I added a floor to the house. It all happened so quick. One day we were living happily in this house, trying to forget our past and create a better future for ourselves, and the next day it had all crumbled down.

I probably would have never added a floor to this house had it not been for what happened to Izuna. I was trying so hard to keep myself busy, and physical work was the only way that worked. Itachi was only 3 years old when I was working on this house, but he was fascinated with the blueprints. He asked me to please add two rooms for him and his baby brother, although Mikoto was still pregnant at the time. He just knew for sure it was going to be a boy, and he wanted a room for him too.

At first I really intended for the rooms to be for Itachi and Sasuke, so I made them identical. But with each passing day, I found that I could not sleep downstairs anymore. I had a room of my own next to Izuna's, but I never actually slept in it while he was here. We always slept in his big queen bed, and my room was more of an office. But once I finished building the second floor, I felt that I needed to move there myself, just so I wouldn't be so close to our old room anymore. Maybe I was running away, but it helped me sleep at night better. The whole time I stayed in my room downstairs, I would get two hours of sleep a night at best, because I was plagued by nightmares and insomnia.

Sasuke for some reason never liked my old room, and he said it looked too cold and lifeless. I offered it to him, but he refused. He wanted either Izuna's room or the second bedroom upstairs. I had almost caved in, but in the end I could not bring myself to get rid of anything in Izuna's room. I couldn't let Sasuke throw it all away and destroy the only place we ever lived in happily, for however short it was.

"You alright, old man?" Sasuke's voice startled me. He had come out of Izuna's bedroom and was now looking at me as if I was a lunatic.

"It's not the right time to be sarcastic with me, Sasuke." I am truly not in the mood for this.

"I wasn't sarcastic. But if you want to know what's going on in there, then let me fill you in. I think your brother wants you to man up and stop considering everyone's feelings. I swear, he said it with his own mouth." Itachi says this cocky attitude helped him get stronger, but I honestly wish he could go back to the cute weeping kid he used to be. There's none of that left now.

"I don't doubt that he did. But he's an abuse victim, I don't trust his pleas to be manhandled to be genuine. That's just how he avoids his anxieties, but asking to be abused more. I refuse to do that to him anymore, even if that's what he says he wants." I need to right my wrongs, but I cannot give in to either our desires just yet. I cannot tell him the truth but I cannot allow him to disconnect by taking full control again either. There must be some other way.

"Well, feel free to do whatever. But do it quick, because I don't want him hogging MY brother the whole time just because you're too much of a chicken to talk to him without walking on eggshells."

"Oh, Sasuke. If only we could erase your memories too and make you a sweet kid again…" I mutter it low enough that he doesn't hear me, so he leaves right after throwing me one last stank look, as if to say he's back to looking down on me. Can't let it go to my head that he held my hand for five seconds while I was reading Itachi's letter to him.

I decided to go to sleep too, though. Maybe I need to clear my head before talking to anyone else again. After waiting 16 years, I'm sure we can wait one more day.

* * *

Izuna did not want to talk to me the day after, however. Or the day after that. For a long time, actually. He would sometimes talk to Itachi or laugh at Sasuke's many inappropriate jokes, but he would never talk to me. He acknowledged my presence, ate my food, but he otherwise avoided being around me at all. Sometimes, Itachi would tell me what they were talking about when he was not around to hear. Almost every day, Sasuke would make snide remarks about how even when my brother is served to me on my silver platter, I still refuse to take any action. Itachi seems to want to keep Sasuke in the dark too, which is a pretty wise choice. Had Sasuke known the truth, he'd probably stop being such a brat to me, but he'd also let it slip to Izuna too more than likely.

We had fallen into a routine pretty fast. Every morning, I drove Sasuke to school while Itachi had breakfast with Izuna. I would stay at work a few hours and then return around 2PM to start making dinner. Itachi enjoyed walking to the high school to pick Sasuke up, and for once Sasuke stopped bugging him about what other people would think of his appearance. I heard that one time, Izuna walked with Itachi to and from the high school too. He seemed to have enjoyed the loud bickering of the teenagers around him, although Sasuke told him not to come so close again, because one of his friends might see him and make fun of him and his horrible sense of style.

Izuna insisted on wearing a simple pale blue yukata everywhere he went, which stood out like a sore thumb but fitted his overall image. He looked almost bohemian, walking slowly with his long wild hair in a ponytail and his eyes closed. Itachi liked wearing yukatas too, but had given up on them after moving back in with us. Now he'd simply wear all black, because he couldn't be bothered with matching clothes together. I honestly cannot imagine him wearing anything else though, not even a yukata like he used to.

We eat dinner together every day, and I usually wash the dishes by myself as Sasuke drags Itachi away with him and Izuna wanders around the house touching every wall and every picture frame. One day he was tinkering with the remote control, trying to memorize which button did what. I asked him if he needed help, but he never answered me. I had to remind myself daily that I deserved that silence. Before, the silence was not a choice. At least now I know he's being silent because he wants to be.

I take advantage of the fact he cannot see a lot, however. I sometimes move things just to see him look confused, because he smiles every time he finds something on his own. I know he cannot read braille so he does not have much entertainment every day except for exploring the house and talking to Itachi. I saw him sharpening a pencil with a knife once, and I remembered just how much things have changed in 16 years. Izuna always hated regular sharpeners because they were too dull, so he would sharpen his pencils with a knife. Now we have electric sharpeners, but I don't want to take this away from him. It's probably one of the few things he can still do despite being blind. It scared Sasuke at first, but now he's learned how to do it too.

I slowly got used to having Izuna be in the house. I'd stare at him a lot still while I was cooking or cleaning around the house, but I was getting accustomed to seeing him around. I even got used to never talking to him, although I sometimes still talked  _at_  him, not waiting for a response. When I wanted to know something, I'd have Itachi ask him instead. What would you like to eat? When do you want me to change your sheets? How often should I do laundry? Do you want me to buy you any clothes? Do you want to learn to read?

He wouldn't always answer even if it was Itachi asking him and not me. He would put his clothes in the washing machine and leave them there for me, never announcing it. I found a post-it in the fridge once that had an awful scribble on it, followed by a very neat kanji of Okonomiyaki, which was Itachi's handwriting. Izuna was trying to be as independent as he could, and I suppose both Itachi and I tried to let him do that although it would be much easier if he just told us what he wanted.

Itachi was still coughing up blood regularly, although his face looked less pale now. I would regularly ask him how he was feeling, but he'd usually be evasive. I knew more about his health from Sasuke, in fact, from his multiple complaints of how Itachi is sometimes too sick to sleep with him and how that is bullshit because he should've healed by now. I was actually very worried about Itachi, but because Izuna was here too I let it slide and decided to trust Itachi to take care of himself. But even with Izuna as a constant distraction, seeing a now-19-year-old coughing up blood like it was nothing was disturbing to me, and it gave me a bad feeling.

I talked to Tsunade a few times about what could possibly help Itachi, but she always gave him more pills and told me that the best we can do is hope that his body can still repair itself. There is no such thing as a lung transplant, but he has to keep breathing somehow. His eyes were improving, though. If only he could breathe through his eyes and see through his lungs, maybe he'd be in less pain.

With so many problems looming over my head, I still think we are getting better every day. Sasuke is too preoccupied with Itachi to be a dick to me constantly, Itachi and I are butting heads a lot less often, and Izuna is slowly moving around more, although he won't talk to me.

* * *

But one day, Izuna decided to talk. No warning, no cajoling, and seemingly with no purpose. I was making him lunch while Itachi was still out to get Sasuke, and he was sitting at the kitchen table. Lately, he'd sit in the same room as me for longer than before, staring into the void usually.

Today he called my name though, and it startled me. At first I thought that would be it and he'd slowly start saying more and more as days went by, but he continued as soon as I responded to him. He talked for a very long time, and I listened to it all, without interrupting. He was very solemn as he was speaking, making short pauses to collect his thoughts. I had the urge to answer to him during those pauses, by I stopped myself. I had not listened to him properly in so many years that I was obligated to let him lead the conversation.

He started talking in a small, cautious voice, looking in my direction and probably hoping that I was looking at him too.

"I think I had a hard time functioning in this house because you are not the same man I've been hating and pining over all those years." he started. "It's the same house, we're the same people, but nothing is the same anymore, Mada. I find it hard to even call you that, but it also gives me comfort that you respond when I do." He pauses, and seems to be searching for words to continue.

"The Madara I remember was a crazy teenager. Do you remember how Tobirama used to be scared of you so badly when you'd go visit? Aside from Hashirama and I, everyone was scared of you. But when you were practicing martial arts with Hashi, you were like a fierce lion cub in my eyes." He laughs at the memory, and I do too.

"I mean, you were definitely a full fledged lion in front of others. But with your best friend you were just smiling all the time. And with me you were even gentle, as if I wouldn't be able to handle if you acted tough. Remember how many times your teachers asked to see your parents because you were standing out too much and that was against Japanese culture? But our family life was also messed up so naturally you were strong as a reaction to that. And now when I see you as an adult, I can't believe it almost. From that fierce teenager that freaked out my friends and even scared off our step father, you became a grounded adult. You have your dark side under control. I think Itachi is grounded too, but he was not like you when he was younger. He was always calm and collected, from what he told me. You were crazy, Mada. And I was crazy about you, because you had power that I could only dream of having.

"How can I talk to you the same way as I did 16 years ago? You're not the unstable lion who would kill two people just to protect his brother. You may have more power, but it's not unstable like it used to be. So how can I yell at you about abandoning me? As much as I hate you for it, I know I'm the weak one. You had every reason to wait for me and not to push me. I'm the one who should have admitted that I pushed you too far. I pushed you until you thought I didn't want you anymore. And yet I was waiting for you to apologize to me. I am a weak man, just like I was a weak kid. It doesn't matter that I can physically fight if my mind is frail."

His words hurt to listen to, but I know what Itachi said is right. I cannot tell him that I never abandoned him for a second. I cannot tell him that he did push me too far, farther than he actually thinks. He may be weak, but he is my weakness. Any man is only as strong as his biggest weakness, which makes me a weak man too.

"Hashi used to think I was as strong as you, remember?" His voice interrupts my thoughts again. "And yet he'd always win if he fought me and he'd usually lose if he fought you. It's all because my mind was never as strong as my body, like yours was. He could outsmart me because I was scared of losing while you were not.

"I've been thinking a lot since Itachi came to see me. I was trying to think of what I'll do when I finally meet you again, although I ended up saying none of what I had planned. I ended up fighting with you instead, because I was bitter. When I finally had to prove that I was the better man and you were the one in the wrong, I chose to fight like a damn child and blame everything on being sick. Itachi is sick too, and yet that kid is still doing what he knows needs to be done. You know, I had a panic attack the day you were coming for us. I was so scared I thought that maybe if I get close to him, I'll feel alive again. And that kid let me hold him underwater ; he let me kiss him even though he did not want to. He let me almost drown him just to prove a point, despite the state of his lungs. He's sicker than me, and yet he's ready to risk it all, just like you used to be. I have no excuse, Mada. I really don't. I'm sorry I was so weak and I made you suffer because of it too. Had I resisted that woman, had I said something to you earlier, had I not asked you to show it to me all, we could have been happy now. I know you don't blame me because you're too fair to do that, but please forgive me. I am ready to face the truth now, and I promise not to ever talk about my sanatorium days again. All I'm asking for is that we try to re-live those years that I lost, because I'm not ready to be old yet. I did not live enough to be old. And frankly, I do not  _want_  to try to be strong anymore."

He moves in to embrace me, and I let him do it. I want to tell him what I think, but I know it's not the right thing. If he thinks he made me suffer without even remembering what I told him in that letter years ago, I know he would not be able to start over if I told him the truth. I am not the man he describes at all, but I have to be strong enough to hold him together once again.

I haven't touched him in so many years and yet his embrace feels so familiar. Almost as if he'd never left me. Perhaps I can tell him just a little bit, after all. I can tell him the truth about the past and after the letters.

"I'm sorry too, Zu. I have changed, as you said. When I had you and Hashirama, I did not care that our mother was ill. I did not care that our step parents were assholes until I heard what they were doing to you. But then I killed them, and I hurt you. After a while, I lost Hashirama too because he married and got a family of his own to take care of. I reunited with Mikoto and I saw how her husband was being just as restrictive with Itachi as our step father had been with us, which made me realize that I could still have purpose in life. I had to prevent my nephew from living the life of misery that we lived. I got closer to Itachi, and he saw me as a father. But when he killed them, I panicked. I did not want him to ever show Sasuke, and he agreed with me. I was living vicariously through Itachi at that point, trying to right my wrongs by helping him not make the same mistakes as I did. I got to love him as a son too, although he reminded me too much of myself with how he defied me fearlessly and only cared about his younger brother.

"I did not become a grounded adult naturally. I had to be a parent for those kids. When Itachi was here, he'd remind me of how weak I was and I hated him for it. I still feel responsible because I might have been the one to push him to 'do better than me'. And because he  _is_  fearless, he did just that. And he did do better than me. He even brought you back here. Do you even understand how weak I felt when reading his letter? When I saw him almost dead on that hospital bed, and yet his willpower was still so great? Maybe it is because we are both men and we are both dominant, but seeing him be better than me makes me both proud and incredibly pissed off. See, I am a child too. We all are, on the inside. Children with urges we learn to control."

He laughs at me and nods. "I knew you'd feel threatened by Itachi! But he's an omega, not an alpha like you."

"You know, that pisses me off even more. Because I see him as competition and he sees me as an old man who should know better than compare himself to a teenager. And he's right about that too, goddamnit."

At that point, we were both laughing at our common envy and admiration for Itachi. Unbeknownst to my brother, however, my feelings towards Itachi were vastly more complicated than that. This whole time I had tried to be a good father figure to him, but he already had a father. He did not need me to fill the spot. Rather, he needed me to listen to him without trying to be a parent, stubbornly showing him the right path. Maybe from now on he can go back to being my friend and confidant instead, and not a prodigal son I have to compare myself with.

Maybe now that Izuna is back, we can all try to stop pretending to be a normal family, because none of us have ever been the slightest bit normal. We've always had this fire in our eyes that burned all our bridges and forced us to get stronger and survive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back with another chapter! Sorry if it took longer than the last one...To be honest, I loved writing the last chapter but I hardly got any response to it, which made me a bit sad and unenthusiastic about continuing. But I still want to finish this for myself, because this story is my child haha. Like last chapter, this one is also the title of a film by Ingmar Bergman, which is all about silence and the "silence of God", the immorality of nature, and lack of purpose in life. I think it fits the situation between Madara and Izuna perfectly, and there is a somewhat happy ending to it too. But there are two chapters left, so sadly it doesn't all end well. Please leave a review to tell me what you thought!
> 
> -Ioio


	19. Cries and Whispers

\- Itachi -

_We all hope time will help us heal, but healing does not always happen the way we might expect it to. We might heal and remain with vulnerable spots, or we might heal and grow calluses. Perhaps we might not heal at all, or not as fast as we need to._

Sasuke is considerably more calm now than when we first met. He is a lot more independent in a way, spending a lot of time studying and meeting up with his friends when he knows I am busy with Izuna, whether it's bringing him places or merely keeping him company. When we are together, though, he is still his old self. He wants to be spoiled and expects my full attention, which I've always given to him. He wants to know what his eyes can do and whether he can learn to control his powers like I could.

He gets a kick out of turning lights on and off with just a glare, but cannot stand it that he has no power over water like I do. But then again, I have no power over electricity and lightning either. As far as I know, only Madara can control all four elements. Maybe he even forgot how to, though, because he never uses them. He uses his eyes a lot with me, when he doesn't want Sasuke overhearing us, but almost never his other powers.

He does use fire in his cooking a lot, but everything else he calls "useless unless I'm trying to fight someone". But he's never fighting anyone nowadays, because nobody poses a challenge. Izuna told me he used to have friendly fights with Hashirama all the time, which is why they opened a dojo together in my parents' old house. But Hashirama got married and Madara soon became too busy trying to keep Sasuke in check, so he rarely ever went there anymore. When I was a child, he used to talk about Hashirama all the time, but lately he seems to have resigned himself. He does not want to bother a man who grew up to be a husband and father with his daily trivialities.

Had this been an ideal world, I think Madara would have never willingly taken care of a child, let alone two. When I was younger and our parents were still alive, Madara used to fight Fugaku a lot over how he spent "excessive amounts of time" with me. Regardless of how many times my mother explained to him that Madara used to be a very competitive and active man, Fugaku was convinced that he had unclean intentions with me. Perhaps trying to make me rebel against my parents or even the good old "my uncle touched me down there!" situation. But in truth Madara just seemed to be afraid for me, from the moment he saw me activate those red eyes when he told me about why he had built a second floor to his house. I was 11 when he finally told me, and I seemed to be growing way too fast and way too different.

He didn't hold much interest in Sasuke at first because he was too young and Madara did not like children. He was also not particularly loving with me, although he seemed to detest the fact that I was growing older. The more I learned from him and the more time I spent with him and with Sasuke, the more I followed his path, he said. And maybe he was right, but there was no other path to take once we made the same mistake.

I know he felt close to my mother and the reason why he panicked at first was not because of how their death would affect Sasuke and I, but because of how it would affect Izuna. They had not talked in almost 10 years, but Madara still remembered how Izuna saw his older sister as a mother and a reminder of a time when things were still alright. Even if they both preferred each other and disapproved of most of my mother's life choices, she was still their older sister and they respected her. And I, too, respected her.

Fugaku's death leaves a bitter taste in my mouth because he was my father, but my mother I was actually close with. She took care of Sasuke and shielded him from Fugaku's criticism. Even if I was too old for her to protect me anymore, I loved her for loving Sasuke as much as I did. Killing Fugaku was an accident, but it was a ticking bomb nevertheless. Killing my mother however was one thing I'll never be able to forgive myself for, and it's the reason why I am responsible for Sasuke's happiness, no matter the cost to me. She would have wanted me to take care of him. As for our relationship beyond that, it is just another sin that I'm paying for with my health and life right now.

It does not matter if I die, however. Just so long as I can make sure that Sasuke will be alright once I am gone. And if he seems like he won't be, then I must make this body last just a little while longer, no matter what it takes.

Nowadays Sasuke spends a lot of time looking at Izuna, although he doesn't try to talk much. Ever since the first day when Izuna pushed him away unintentionally, he's been afraid to talk to him again, which is uncharacteristic of him. Sasuke does not care much how other people feel unless he feels close to them, but I am not sure if that is the case here.

Nevertheless, I often point it out to him that he's changed. I see it as my older brother duty to help him grow as a person, especially after being absent for so long. But without stepping on his toes too much, the best I can do is push him to acknowledge the motivation behind his sudden change in temperament.

"I think you know that I'm not just a brat by now, Itachi. I don't do it to be disingenuous, but after all this time of being kept in the dark about literally each and every one of you, the best I can do to retaliate is to piss you off until you tell me what's going on." Sasuke's face was resting in my lap peacefully until then, but he has now shifted his gaze towards me, asking for my full attention. I am sure he must have wanted it for a long time.

"There were easier ways to get acknowledged than to act out around Madara," I tell him, knowing that it will do nothing to change his mind. Sasuke has always been a stubborn kid. He may be insecure and easily swayed by strong emotions, but at his core he is a really stubborn kid.

"Easy for you to say. You're older and you're strong. I may be smart but after you left I had no motivation to impress anyone anymore. I don't owe Madara anything, and the only one I could possibly desire to impress is you. But you loved me even when I was at my most pathetic before so clearly that's not a pressing issue. When you came back, I felt a pang of competitiveness but after a while I realized the gap between us exists there for a reason, you know?"

"And what would that be?" I see him smirking at me, and I smile back in anticipation. I know.

"It exists so I can take advantage of you being the older and stronger one. And so you can pretend to let me win when in fact you planned everything 20 years ago, right?"

"I was not alive 20 years ago, Sasuke." I try to match the devious look in his eyes, but I know it won't fool him.

"Exactly. I'm sure you planned your own birth too just like you planned on seducing me!"

We both laugh shortly at his comment, but in reality it does feel oddly pleasant. Of all people to see through me, it makes sense that Sasuke would be the one. He is the one I kept in the dark the most, but because of that he was always watching me intently, trying to figure it all out. I think, perhaps, that he does not  _know_  what I've been thinking and feeling the whole time as much as he can feel it, because we are so close.

Sasuke is young and inexperienced, and he knows I took advantage of that. Even if he does not know what I'm thinking, he knows that I know what  _he_  is thinking.

He knows there was no way he could have overpowered me the first night we had sex if I had really resisted, and he knows I purposefully tempted him just to reprimand him later for trying to dominate me.

I did it because it was the only way I could get him to feel the exact same feelings I had without putting him through a Tsukuyomi just yet. When someone tempts you just by existing, and acting on your desires is wrong. When that someone is such an easy and willing prey, that you cannot help yourself. But you  _have_  to stop yourself or else you won't be able to live with the guilt of being the one responsible for such a sinful act.

It was  _funny_  to let Sasuke be on top, as much as it felt unnatural. It only made it more amusing how the experience made him submit immediately after. Had our lives been normal, life would have just been happily ever after once that happened.

"I did not plan on getting thunderstruck to near-death, though. You  _could_  say my plan ended up being poorly thought out because of that, ne?" Sasuke gives me a stern look and then scowls. He still feels some of the guilt, just like he still feels guilty for our first night.

"You knew I don't have bland reactions like you do, so I'm sure you had at least planned for a short coma, right?"

"A 20-minute coma and an understanding little brother who would nurse me back to health, to be precise."

"Oh, shut up." he tells me, but he is laughing and I am too. There comes a time when even the tragedies we go through make for fun stories, as long as it doesn't all end too badly.

But he doesn't laugh for long. In fact, he falls into a fairly long silence, during which he looks like he's thinking about something carefully. Trying to explain, perhaps.

"Seeing Izuna just  _scared_  me. I think that's why I can't hold up a bratty front anymore. I'm scared that if I do, I will end up all alone like him for years. If I messed up just a little more, you wouldn't be here now. I hate you for lying to me all those years and hiding the truth about our parents. I even hate you for being less than perfect and killing them accidentally. But while you were on that hospital bed nearly dead, I felt more terrified than when they died. So I can't pretend to hate you or be an asshole to you. It sounds stupid but I don't know how to live without you. I stayed sane all those years just because I knew you were there somewhere and one day you'd return."

_He's so much more honest than I ever was with him. But he's still so very young. So young to be so scared._

"Is that why you avoid talking to Izuna?" I ask him, out of genuine curiosity.

"Well, not really. He's a stranger to me, too. I guess I feel like I'm just not mature enough to talk to him without sounding stupid? I'm not saying I'm stupid or immature, but I don't think my two-month experience with feeling all alone and scared can compare to 16 years, you know? I feel like I'll accidentally say something dumb like 'get over it' or 'talk it out, just yell at Madara a little and he'll feel guilty enough to treat you like royalty!'. I like Izuna so far, I don't want to shit on him like that."

The way Sasuke ends his explanations with a question mark makes me want to smile. He's too proud to say he's inexperienced and sheltered. He wants me to read between the lines and confirm his thoughts.

"You have no issue shitting on Madara though, to use the same expression." I almost reproached him for cursing, trying to sound like a parent. But I have a feeling that's not the kind of authority Sasuke respects.

"Madara is different. He can take it. It pisses me off when someone as old and strong as him acts like a pansy just because he doesn't want to hurt others. You gotta break some eggs to make an omelet, right? Do the right thing no matter what? I think we could have been just fine living together, and I hated him for separating us. It did us no good whatsoever. I was so alone that I had to pretend to like people. And what did he do? He told me it was better that way. Better my ass. With Izuna too. It was just "better" not to pressure him. I'm willing to bet they would've ended up 'happily ever after' if he just went there and brought his brother back regardless of his tantrum and told him to cut the crap. You asked to see the whole thing. I saved you from the devil parents torturing you. I gave you a new life. Is life really too good that you're complaining and questioning my authority? What the hell could Izuna say back? And there, problem solved."

He's not wrong, but he's not right either. People can do foolish things if they think it's going to help protect the ones they love. Maybe I was foolish too, and Sasuke would have understood everything much earlier than I anticipated. Or maybe I could have actually kept my hands off him easier if I was younger, because I clearly failed as an adult.

"I think Izuna might have indeed obeyed Madara if he said that to him. But as an older brother, I understand why Madara did not say that to him. We are supposed to protect, not hurt. We may be the elders and have the power, but we're not heartless and we're not drill sergeants. Should I have told you to cut the crap too when you refused to see me or talk to me while I was in the hospital?"

He seems to be thinking deeply, a big frown on his face. He's not a bad kid. He's abrasive and needy, he thinks he has it all figured out even if he lacks self confidence, but he's still a good kid. He might have not been such a good kid if Fugaku raised him and made him feel small and powerless.

"You're not like Madara though. You don't take my shit like he does. And even that one time when you supposedly let me do my worst, it made me feel so shitty afterwards that I couldn't do it again. I know it's not my place to be bossing you around. But Madara just lets me do whatever I please. And it pisses me off because I know he has the power to stop me but he doesn't. That's why I provoke him. If he was a weakling I'd just completely ignore his existence like I ignore mostly everyone around me."

"Madara was just supposed to protect you while I couldn't. If I had told him to keep you in check, he would have done it easily. But I told him to care for you like a parent. He just picked a more motherly way because that's what he was deprived of as a child."  _And if he had tried to keep you in check, I would have given him hell. There was enough of that with Fugaku and his militaristic parenting._

"Whatever you say. I still prefer you. Life is easier somehow when you have some clear cut boundaries to operate within. I'm fine being the younger brother. Being a brat was exhausting at times. I bought 5 pairs of headphones last month by the way. Want one?"

Oh, Sasuke. He never fails to make me smile, even if it's on the inside.

* * *

Madara still looks very troubled every day, although I can see him visibly suppressing it around Izuna. He probably only shows his full range of emotions around me, because I am neither as dependent on him as Sasuke or as emotionally fragile as Izuna. He has told me a while ago that he will not try to be a parent to me anymore. Somehow, that made him get closer to me. I wonder if Izuna's return makes him feel better or worse, because he finds it hard to lie to his brother just to keep him happy.

I found it hard to lie to Sasuke too, but I had faith he would understand. I knew he would not forgive me, but I did not want to be forgiven. I just wanted my brother back, and I wanted him to make his own decisions for once.

No matter what Madara used to say, Sasuke is not like Izuna. They were not raised the same way and they have not experienced the same traumas. Sasuke grew up with me and Madara, sheltered from the tough ways of our father and the possible calamity that might have happened had I not left.

_What if I stayed after that night? What if we grew up together?_

Madara wants me to be more involved with Sasuke just so I can relieve him of his duties. He'd like to go back to being sassy with Sasuke, but he can't do it because of his own turmoil with Izuna. And Sasuke seems to notice it, but he keeps provoking Madara nonetheless. He is a handful, but he's daring us to do better. His personality is only a reaction to our own.

_You would have ended up hating me if I spent every day rejecting you, otouto. I could only keep you safe by keeping my distance._

I like to help Madara prepare meals because it's one of the few occasions we are alone. Izuna never had an interest in food making and now he would not be able to see what he is doing anyway, while Sasuke simply seems to have two lefts hands in this regard. I may not be a master myself, but Madara's precise instructions are enough to get me to the right result.

I was cutting up some chicken today, because Izuna wanted skewers. Madara was busy making a marinade and sharpening the knives for me, checking the blade carefully and looking proud of himself.  _Madara always liked knives._

"Itachi," he calls my name and looks at me with a serious look on his face. "Are your lungs any better?"

_Oh, the lungs. He asks me every day, without mistake._

"They feel about the same. I've learned to take very small breaths to make it hurt less."

To be honest, they feel like they are drying up somehow. If I keep coughing up blood every day, I wonder if it has time to replenish. I could try to breathe deeply, but I do not want to know how bad the situation really is, because I know there is no cure for this.

"Are you taking the medicine?" he probes me further.

"I am. But I don't feel a difference. Maybe no change is the best we can hope for." Tsunade did warn me that it is very unlikely I would get better. I could only pray that I manage to maintain this fragile balance for as long as I can.  _And never try to drown myself again, or I might actually die._

Madara frowns, like he does every day when he asks me that question.

"How are things going with your brother?" He tries to change the subject, but he looks lost in thought again.

"Sasuke is alright. He's less stuck to me, at least during the day. But I should be asking  _you_  that. I know Izuna is talking to you again."

"He is… But I don't know how to talk to him back." He sighs, and I see that he is tired. He may joke with Sasuke here and there and ask me questions daily, but he looks truly tired.

"Izuna told me he wants to live as if he had never been stuck in that sanatorium for 16 years. I was delighted at first. All this time, I was dreaming of starting over with him. Now that I have it, though, it's exhausting. It makes me angry. I don't know how to explain it."

He comes over to my side of the counter and pours the marinade over the cut chicken, then seals the container with a lid. He's doing it mechanically, without thinking.

"Why are you angry?" I ask him. While I can feel his frustration, even I can't pinpoint what exactly it is causing it. There are so many possibilities and it feels wrong to try to predict his thoughts this time.

"I know you don't feel the same, so it's hard to verbalize it. Itachi, we are both the elders. But somehow, you have a freedom that I never had. Not since my teenage years. When you messed up back then, you still had your brother and I to help you keep going. You still had a purpose, to keep Sasuke safe from yourself and his own powers. When you told him the truth, you demanded that he understood your reasoning. When you met Izuna, you demanded that he listen to you and even talked him into returning. But even if you failed, Sasuke and I would've still been there waiting for you. You always act on your own and don't ask for help, but you have help waiting for you anyway."

_I know we are not the same, Madara. I never judged you as if you had lived the same life as I._

"I don't have that. Ever since my mother died and Mikoto married, I was all alone. I used to be close to Hashirama, but the situation at home did not allow me to pursue that further. He had a happy life and I did not want to taint it with my misery. He's still a dear friend, but he does not know the truth about Izuna and I. I had to singlehandedly take out that man and his wife to save Izuna from them. Once Izuna was gone though, I was alone again. I got close to Mikoto again, but Fugaku wanted me far away from his family. I was in my prime and I was 'free', but every day I overworked myself and thought of how to persuade Izuna to come back. I failed at that and there was nobody to help me with it. I took care of Sasuke as you asked me to, but nobody helped me with it. I paid for everything you two did and for Izuna's hospitalization.

"What I'm saying is, I was always alone in each and every single task that was thrown at me. And Izuna and Hashirama say I'm strong for managing it all, while Sasuke scoffs at me and says I should be a tough ass on him. Or at least dominate him like you do. But nobody asked me if I  _wanted_  to take care of a kid or if I  _wanted_  to kill two people or if I  _wanted_  to become intimate with my brother. I was always just 'the strong one' that you all defaulted to. And now you're old and strong enough to not need me anymore, Itachi, and you think you can help me fix my life somehow. Put a bandaid on it. Bring Izuna back. It won't work like that. I know I'm the only one who could possibly manage this situation and take care of all of you, but nobody even stops to ask me if I want to do all this. And I can't even tell Izuna all this because I don't want to hurt him again. And I can't tell Sasuke because he's too young and lacks the ability to sympathize. And when I tell you, I get angry. You  _understand_ , Itachi, but you also don't mind accepting all the glory in the end. After all, I'm just a coward with no life and you're the young savior, right? That's what Izuna and Sasuke think, even though they're living in my house and I was taking care of them while you were gone and building all those walls around yourself."

Madara rarely rants. Sasuke rants, and Izuna rants. I do it in my mind sometimes. But Madara always kept his lines to a minimum, whether he was being sincere or not. Of course, he was right. And I did indeed understand the difference between us, as well as the fact there was little I could do to change it.

"We each have our own burden to bear. The fact that I get more recognition than you do does not ease my burden actually. Whether Sasuke and Izuna look up to me or not will not make me any less sick. And whether Sasuke and Izuna take you for granted doesn't make you any less competent to deal with them."

"Just what I expected. It's alright, Itachi. I'm glad you value your own freedom so little. God knows I've been trying to do that myself for the longest time."

"You could be free again, nii-san. I did not come back here to hold you in shackles. And Itachi can take care of Sasuke now and relieve you of your duty, ne?"

Izuna had just walked by the kitchen at that moment, unsuspecting of the context of our conversation. Perhaps we should be more careful where we talk in the future.

"You're right, Zu. I could be free, but I'm too old for it. Guess I shot myself in the leg again, eh?" Madara laughs sarcastically, and Izuna does not seem to think much of it. He looks confused at the tone, but doesn't question it.  _He doesn't have to know. For Madara's sake, he doesn't have to know_.

Just as I was thinking about whether there was a way around lying to Izuna, I could feel my lungs constricting again, and I had the urge to cough. It's not something I can suppress, but I wish I could. I did not want Izuna knowing the extent of my condition.

I have no choice but to cough in my hand, covering it in warm blood and phlegm, which I am glad Izuna is blind to see.

Madara, however, can see it plain and clear, and he doesn't like it. I hear him muttering under his breath and looking at me in the same conflicted way he always does. He does not know what to do to help me. I don't know what to do to help myself. Doctors don't know, even.

"Is that you, Itachi? Are your lungs bothering you again?" Izuna asks, probably thinking I was getting better just because I avoided coughing around him, generally. Even Madara did not fully know the extent of it however. Only Sasuke did, because I could not hide from him. He has grown to be a very observant kid.

"I'm alright. Maybe." Sometimes, coughing blood makes me lightheaded or dizzy. Other times, I can feel the blood draining from my face almost. I'm not used to being aware of every little change in my body, especially when the change is a negative one.

"Go lie down, Itachi. We're done for now."  _I'll be free when I die_ , I hear him whispering. I know Madara does not truly want to die, or abandon us all. For better or for worse, we can make him feel less alone, even if we may abuse his help at times. Even if we blame him and he lets us.

It's easy to say you'll rest when you die when you're not actually dying with every breath, Madara. I feel no peace or relief at the thought of dying. I'd give you my body if you wanted it, to grant your wish.

* * *

In my bedroom, however, Sasuke was playing games on my bed. He seemed undisturbed by my appearance, and simply moved closer towards one side of the bed rather than remaining in the middle of it.

"Oi, Itachi, I just remembered something. Watch this!" he suddenly yells, blowing steam out of his mouth. "I can do the heat thing like you. You think I can use this to make Madara think I have a fever?"

"I doubt he would be fooled, since Madara can do it too."

"Wait, really? He can do everything you can do? Can Izuna do it too?"

"He can probably do more than us. Izuna can't."  _That's why he almost died, after all._

"Oh, too bad. Train me to do more heat things some time. It's entertaining."

I sat down, trying to look at the ceiling and take small breaths but it doesn't seem to be helping much. I can feel blood bubbling in my throat as I try to breathe, almost suffocating me. If I try to swallow it down, it'll only make me cough. If I spit it up, Sasuke will see it and start feeling bad again. All I can do is try my best not to drown in it, not just yet. I can't put one more problem on Madara's back. There are still things I need to do.

Even if I say all that, I can't will my body to fix itself. I start coughing, and it doesn't seem to stop. I see Sasuke jumping out of bed and coming to my side, asking me if I'm going to be alright.

How should I know? Each time I feel like drowning, and whenever I stop for a second I feel like my head is being pushed underwater again.

I can't catch my breath for long enough to answer him, and he doesn't seem to wait for me for long. I assume he went to get Madara, by the panicked look on his face.

_You were right, we all run to you when we have a problem. Especially Sasuke, no matter what he says._

_I'm sorry, Madara. I wished I would not have to be a burden to you again. I wish I had come back sooner and learned more from you. But it seems like I'll only be bothering you one more time._

_This is the last time._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: One more chapter to go. I would like to know whose POV you'd like the last chapter to be from (aside from Itachi) depending on whose thoughts and feelings you consider would be most interesting to see in this situation (or shall I say crisis). As always, thank you so much for reading and please tell me what you thought in a review.

**Author's Note:**

> I've decided to publish this story on AO3 after having started it on Fanfiction.net three years ago, abandoned it, and then restarted it. I'm on here a lot more than I am on Fanfiction.net so I thought why not. I don't promise anything, but I might be reviving this story. It is madness, considering my private life right now, but I need the distraction and I had already inked out a lot of chapters back three years ago. Therefore, I'll be editing and posting more of them. Please review with impressions/ideas/criticism/whatever the fuck you want to say. It's nice to read them. And there's kudos here too~ Love me please.


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